My LoveLoves Me Not (after Herrick) Options

[RC James]

Keeps happening with my stuff, no idea why. Here, hopefully, is the full poem:


Fate Resigns, Re-designs Us



I could not through any form of tyranny
wound you as you sit ensconced in quiet thought,
though my sad heart is burdened with memory
of you when you were all I clumsily sought.

Yes, another suitor with true intentions,
let him take straight away from my love the breath
your beauty so instilled in my inventions,
vanquished soundly now, as firmly as grey death.

[AMETHYST]

Hello RC,

I am Liz. I am glad to meet you. Especially that I read this a few times and each time found nuggets of enjoyable word-smithing. For now, the only thing that feels awkward to me is L3 whereas, 'symmetry of your face...' reads smooth. The rough or crass feel I get from 'in your face' gives a sound of force or distaste from the narrator - However, that may be what you are going for, in which case it works well. Perhaps that double edge of love/hate -

Anyway, I will look in again tomorrow evening with fresh eyes.

Best Wishes, Amethyst