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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Sojourn ~ Quatrain Refrain

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 14 10, 00:20

Another older Poem for last minute revisions -

********Revision 1 *****TY SUE AND SNOW ******

A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting travelers passing by
a welcome refuge from the chill,
and still no one has come inside.

At dusk, her kindled hearth is bright,
a coffee pot is freshly filled
and flakey biscuits served up right;
a candle quivers on the sill.

She sits and stares, as shadows dance
into the ebon evening sky,
in hopes her candle will entrance;
inviting travellers passing by.

It feels like winter never ends
for Beauty Belle has fallen ill,
and yet, she waits to offer friends
a welcome refuge from the chill.

Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body's calm; Belle died.
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
and still no one has come inside.

Sojourn--Quatrain Refrain

A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting all who happen by.
Although so many pass at will,
the doorknob still has not been tried.

At dusk, the hearth is kindled bright,
a pot of coffee freshly filled,
and biscuits baked. Her wick ignites;
a candle quivers on the sill.

She sits and stares, as shadows dance
into the black of midnight sky,
in hopes her flicker will entrance;
inviting all who happen by.

The winter's wind has been no friend
to Beauty Belle, who's fallen ill.
She waits alone till evening's end,
although so many pass at will.

Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body calm; Belle died.
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
the doorknob still has not been tried.

Posted by: Eisa Sep 14 10, 09:30

Hi Liz

Every time I come into Herme's I realise there are so many forms I haven't tried! You are so versatile in your writing, Liz.

I can't say I would drfinitely change anything here - but I'll offer a few suggestions.

Sojourn--Quatrain Refrain

A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting all who happen by.
Although so many pass at will,
the doorknob still has not been tried.

L2 - perhaps a description of how they happen by might 'show' more

eg:

inviting all who saunter by

L4 - perhaps

the doorknob still remains untried

At dusk, the hearth is kindled bright,
a pot of coffee freshly filled,
and biscuits baked. Her wick ignites;
a candle quivers on the sill.

I don't think the comma is needed at end of L2

She sits and stares, as shadows dance
into the black of midnight sky,
in hopes her flicker will entrance;
inviting all who happen by.

L2 - perhaps
into the blackened midnight sky

The winter's wind has been no friend
to Beauty Belle, who's fallen ill.
She waits alone till evening's end,
although so many pass at will.

Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body calm; Belle died.
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
the doorknob still has not been tried.

I hope something here might help - take or toss!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 14 10, 11:39

Hey Snow,

Before I go any further, let me post this link - it is my original http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?s=&showtopic=6555&view=findpost&p=63538

After almost 5 years what sounded best then, still sounds best now. I came across this one in Karnak, and must not have revised it there. But I will be making those changes you've suggested. Ironically, they were what we decided on back then.

YIPPPPEEEEE!

Big Hugs, Liz

Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 14 10, 15:42

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Sep 14 10, 05:20 )

Another older Poem for last minute revisions -
you capture the sadness of her lonely life, still hoping till the end for someone to stop and visit. I'm gathering since she's inviting 'all who happen by' that it must be a small inn.
Perhaps it's her way of meeting people? I read once that back when there were few inns for travelers, individual home owners would light a candle in the window so travelers would know they would be welcome to stay.
If that's the intent here, maybe relay that in L2 rather than the generic 'all'

Sojourn--Quatrain Refrain

A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting all who happen by.

Although so many pass at will,... I think 'pass at will' is a bit vague.
the doorknob still has not been tried... here the inner rhyme 'still' is one too many in a short space.
Here's an example of what I'm trying to relay:
"A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting travelers passing by
a welcome refuge from the chill.
no one has stopped or come inside."

At dusk, the hearth is kindled bright, "kindled bright is a bit inverted, doesn't seem a natural way to say there's a fire going. Maybe "the fire burns warm and bright"
a pot of coffee freshly filled,.. this is a bit inverted too. just a small switch to fix. "A coffee pot is freshly filled."

and biscuits baked. Her wick ignites; "biscuits baked is awkward without a verb. "Her wick ignites" I know what you mean, but it sounds like it's she's the wick that ignites. I don't think you even need to mention lighting the candle, when the lit candle appears in the next line.
How about extending the biscuit line: something like, and flaky biscuits baked just right"

a candle quivers on the sill.

She sits and stares, as shadows dance

into the black of midnight sky,.. Unless she's way up some place in the far north, black is not necessary for describing the midnight sky... how about 'starry'?
in hopes her flicker will entrance; this makes it seem as if she is the one flickering. maybe jus 'candle'

inviting all who happen by.

The winter's wind has been no friend ... inner rhyme of wind with friend is too much rhyme. maybe just 'cold'
to Beauty Belle, who's fallen ill.
She waits alone till evening's end,
although so many pass at will.
Now I see I remember why I found these so difficult. There's the 'pass at will' line again and my suggestion from S1 won't fit here unless you juggle friend and end.
Maybe:
It feels like winter never ends
and Beauty Belle has fallen ill,
and yet, she waits to offer friends
a welcome respite from the chill.

Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body calm; Belle died. you can fix the lack of verb by saying 'body's calm'
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
the doorknob still has not been tried.

Sorry, I do seem to have gotten carried away.
As ever, take or toss anything or everything.

Posted by: Eisa Sep 14 10, 18:00

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Sep 14 10, 17:39 )

Hi Liz

Would you believe it!!!!! You were on the right track way back then.

I also like some other revisions you have at the link eg:

She sits and stares as shadow's dance
into the ebon evening sky.

I see that Sue has also given you some excellent suggestions to work on.

This will be great Liz!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 15 10, 09:05

Hi Sue,

Thank you so much for the depth and suggestions. I love the changes to the first stanza, that will effect each stanza to follow. I especially love the suggestions for L2/L3 ... I thnk L4 still needs some reworking but the meaning and flow of the stanza now holds a little more power because of the personal detail that has been added.

It isn't an inn, just an elderly woman who, once had many, many visitors and has not been alone for so long. Years ago, not only inns, but homes use to put a candle in their window to invite strangers and friends in for a warm place to stop, some food to eat and some times a place to sleep. In her loneliness, she wanted anyone to come visit her.

I love the use of travellers and will be making my next revsion with the use of much of what you've offered. I wish I could borrow your mind for a day or two, revise my poetry, and perhaps write some magnificent works of art and then I would give it back to you ... 'maybe' ... HAHAHA

Love you so much, thank you for the excellent feedback and platforms for me to start working through -

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 15 10, 09:09

Hey Snow,

Yes, after you made the suggestion for L4, I couldn't remember if that was what I originally started with or if I had revised it to... I like it as well. Sue left much for me to thinkabout and use- I also love those revised lines -

She sits and stares as shadow's dance
into the ebon evening sky.

And just might incorporate it in ... I will be working on the revision sometmie tonight or over the weekend. Lauren's birthday is tomorrow and her birthday party will be on Saturday, so I've got much to do before then ...

I love this poem and want it to find its true potential. I think I have so much wonderful ideas from you both to really find the wonder in it.

Thank you,

Big Hugs and all my love, Liz

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 17 10, 00:14

Dear Sue,

Thank you for your help on this one - I hope you don't mind that I used most of your suggestions; they worked for my intentions perfectly. And I am so embarrassed that I for some reason, hadn't been able to see those little fumbles; such as " in hopes her flicker will entrance' it wasn't until you pointed it out that I had seen the twist of meaning.

I am so grateful you stopped by!

Big Hugs, Liz

Dearest Sue,

Thank you as well for your excellent suggestions, which I have also made use of and find the read is soooooo smooth and easily understandable. Please of course I am open to some feedback on the revision. Hoping it is working as wonderful as I am reading it! LOL

Love you both, LIz