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Posted by: greenwich Jul 2 17, 15:16

The wayfarer finds himself in the Autumn room
The din of outside leaves invites the tremble of truth
The man's heart sinks, for he has no tidings
Many dark paths has he evaded
but the silence
of this room is like no other

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 2 17, 16:28

Greetings, Anthony!

Here I am again on the free verse side, since the other side has been so quiet... though I see there is a new piece there, and I'm anticipating posting there myself before the day's over.

What I do when I visit here sometimes is take a writer's piece and play with it, if for nothing else than practice for the potential of my own free verse.

I really don't know what the 'rules' are, since there don't seem to be many.

Please forgive any departure from your intentions, since I'm NOT TELLING YOU HOW YOUR PIECE SHOULD BE. I'm merely trying to develop MY OWN PERSPECTIVE on your poem.

My only specific 'correction' is the grammatical mistake in the last line, which could either be:
of this room is LIKE no other... or
of this room is unlike ANY other

Here is my playing with your words:

The wayfarer finds himself in the Autumn room
where the din of outside leaves invites the tremble of truth;
his heart sinks, for he has no tidings.
He has evaded many dark paths
but the silence
of this room is like no other.

As always, take or toss anything that is either within or is divergent from your own perspective.

deLightingly, Daniel

P.S. I almost forgot. You left the 'n' off of Autumn in the Title posted for this piece.

Posted by: Eisa Jul 3 17, 16:48

Hi Antony,

It's good to see you back posting. I like this one, but feel that you have used too many the's in the first few lines. (5 in 3 lines) but this is easily amended.

The wayfarer finds himself in the Autumn room
The din of outside leaves invites the tremble of truth
The man's heart sinks, for he has no tidings

There are many different ways of rewriting these 3 lines, this is just one - I'm sure you'll find your own

The wayfarer finds himself in Autumn's room
where a din of outside leaves invites truth to tremble.
His heart sinks, for he has no tidings


Many dark paths has he evaded

He has evaded many dark paths - might be smoother

but the silence
of this room is unlike no other. (comma to finish)

Hope something helps
Eira

Posted by: greenwich Jul 4 17, 10:54

Thank you Eira for your help. Yes there are too many thes in my poem. They slow the pace of the read.

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 4 17, 11:11

Does that mean I'm excess fat to be cut off and thrown away, Anthony? I'm shocked by the rudeness of your totally ignoring, though I'm glad to see that you corrected the "Autumn" typo.

sLightly put off, Daniel

Posted by: greenwich Jul 4 17, 12:15

Hi Just Daniel. I additionally followed your advice and changed unlike to like no other. I apologise for not commenting on your advice.

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 4 17, 12:27

Thank you very much, Anthony. I'm glad that I could be some small help in this free field, where I struggle. One day I'll get up the courage to post another free verse piece. LOL

... and please forgive my appearing to be angry. I really was not... merely hurt a bit.

deLighting in your participation here. Looking forward to more of it; respectfully, Daniel

Posted by: Ali zonak Jul 4 17, 12:34

Two things: Greenwich, at times several "The's" to introduce sentences are quite appropriate and do not at all slow the pace. My opinion. Ali.

Daniel, I have come to recognize you as a courteous and helpful man who deserves a 'thank you' for your always helpful critiques. Without you, my own writings would be wasted efforts. Thank you for your steadfast comments. Ali

Posted by: Psyche Jul 25 17, 00:02

Hi Antony,
I see you've had plenty of good suggestions already. I only think that L4 sounds a little old-fashioned.
The other point I observe is the use of "din" for outside leaves. I can't imagine leaves making a din.
And maybe it's just me, but in L5 you say the room is silent, so it appears contradictory, unless it's in some way metaphorical.
I'll return for another read.
Enjoyed your poem despite these small nits.
Best, Syl***

Posted by: greenwich Jul 29 17, 14:03

Thank you for the comments All gratefully received . I wanted to make the readers feel the room was hermetically sealed, so to give
an idea of the subjects contrasting surroundings.
Maybe the rustle of leaves rather than din..

Posted by: RC James Sep 26 17, 19:03

This is haunting and evocative of the season. Enjoyed - RC