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> Celestial Spectator (MORE TWEAKING Sep 1st), Wizard Award ~ sonnet
Eisa
post Mar 20 06, 19:22
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I've done some tweaking here, but as with any changes wonder if they are for the better. oops.gif


Celestial Spectator (tweaked again - Sept 1st)

Intent, I witness you, amassed to pay
your last respects, reciting snips of script
like actors from an ill-remembered play
performed in yesteryear. I listen, gripped
as timbres swell from favoured hymns I sang
before my mind declined as I grew old.
I weigh each wilted friendship with a pang
of sadness. When I longed to feel consoled
by company, I watched you pass my door
to pray for me in church and ached to hear
your voices, laughter lifting me once more.
I was imprisoned; life became austere.
Habitually you mouthed my name in prayer
it’s now too late to demonstrate your care.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Celestial Spectator

Intent, I witness you amassed to pay
your last respects, reciting snips of script
like actors from an ill-remembered play
performed in yesteryear. I listen, gripped
as timbres swell from anthems that I sang,
before my mind declined as I grew old.
I ponder our long friendships with a pang
of sadness. When I longed to feel consoled
by company, I watched you pass my door
to pray for me in church and ached to hear
your voices, laughter lifting me once more.
I felt imprisoned; life became austere.
Religiously you mouthed my name in prayer;
you’ve left it late to show how much you care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Latest revision & possible title change

Celestial Spectator

Intent, I witness you amassed to pay
your last respects, reciting snips of script
like actors from an ill-remembered play,
performed in yesteryear. I listen, gripped  
as timbres swell from anthems I once sang,
before my mind declined and lost control.
I ponder our long friendship with a pang
of sadness. When I longed to feel consoled
by company, I watched you pass my door
to pray for me in church and ached to hear  
your voices and your laughter near once more.
Alone, I felt at sea, submerged in fear.
Religiously you mouthed my name in prayer;
you've left it late to show how much you care.  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REVISION 1


Amazed, I gaze as you amass to pay
your last respects; reciting snips of script,
like actors from a half-remembered play,
performed in bygone days. I listen, gripped  
as timbres swell from anthems I once sang,
before my mind declined while growing old.
I ponder on our fellowship with pangs
of poignancy, my need to be consoled
in anxious times. I watched you pass my door
to visit church and pray for me. To calm  
me with your solace would sustain me more,
for laughter brings relief like healing balm.
I know you all remembered me in prayer;
your presence would allay my stark despair.  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Funeral Witness

Amazed, I gaze as friends amass to pay
their last respects; reciting snips of script,
like actors from a half-remembered play,
performed in bygone days. I listen, gripped  
as timbres swell from anthems I once sang,
before my mind declined while growing old.
I ponder on past fellowships with pangs
of poignancy, desires to be consoled
in anxious times. I watched them pass my door
to visit church and pray for me. To calm  
my inner turmoil would sustain me more;
anoint my core with laughter’s healing balm.
A member of this Church for fifty years;
their prayers could not alleviate my tears.



<!--EDIT|Eisa
Reason for Edit: None given| -->


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Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
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Guest_carrion_*
post Mar 20 06, 20:27
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QUOTE(Eisa @ Mar. 20 2006, 19:22)

This was really sad. :(

I thought this whole part was gorgeous.

I ponder on past fellowships with pangs
of poignancy, desires to be consoled
in anxious times. I watched them pass my door
to visit church and pray for me. To calm  
my inner turmoil would sustain me more;
anoint my core with laughter’s healing balm.


A lot of good imagery, very good job. I have no crits on this one.
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Mar 21 06, 00:37
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Hi Snow

A very poignant, heartfelt poem.  I hope writing things down helped you a little to deal with your loss.  Laughter is a good tonic.  I hope you find some and the pain becomes easier with time.

Just one query

I ponder on past fellowships with pangs
of poignancy, desires to be consoled
in anxious times. I watched them pass my door


should it be "desire" in the singular

Nina
 
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Guest_Cathy_*
post Mar 22 06, 00:35
Post #4





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Hi Snow,

I like the revision, you've done a good job.  I do hope you find some comfort in writing about it.  A little relief from the pain ...

Amazed, I gaze as you amass to pay
your last respects; reciting snips of script,
like actors from a half-remembered play{,} That is my only suggestion...
performed in bygone days. I listen, gripped  
as timbres swell from anthems I once sang,
before my mind declined while growing old.
I ponder on our fellowship with pangs
of poignancy, my need to be consoled
in anxious times. I watched you pass my door
to visit church and pray for me. To calm  
me with your solace would sustain me more,
for laughter brings relief like healing balm.
I know you all remembered me in prayer;
your presence would allay my stark despair.  

It's a beautiful piece~

Cathy
 
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Guest_Don_*
post Mar 24 06, 11:10
Post #5





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I enjoyed the smooth delivery.

Don
 
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Eisa
post Mar 25 06, 14:35
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QUOTE(carrion @ Mar. 20 2006, 20:27)
QUOTE(Eisa @ Mar. 20 2006, 19:22)

This was really sad. :(

I thought this whole part was gorgeous.

I ponder on past fellowships with pangs
of poignancy, desires to be consoled
in anxious times. I watched them pass my door
to visit church and pray for me. To calm  
my inner turmoil would sustain me more;
anoint my core with laughter’s healing balm.


A lot of good imagery, very good job. I have no crits on this one.

Thanks Carrion  :cloud9:

Snow lovie.gif  :sun:  :cloud9:


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Mar 25 06, 14:37
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QUOTE(Nina @ Mar. 21 2006, 00:37)
Hi Snow

A very poignant, heartfelt poem.  I hope writing things down helped you a little to deal with your loss.  Laughter is a good tonic.  I hope you find some and the pain becomes easier with time.

Just one query

I ponder on past fellowships with pangs
of poignancy, desires to be consoled
in anxious times. I watched them pass my door


should it be "desire" in the singular

Nina

Thanks Nina  :cloud9:  Writing this has helped. Your suggestion was 'spot on' but now I have revised this again so it isn't appropriate. Thanks anyway. :pharoah2

Snow lovie.gif  :sun:


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Mar 25 06, 14:39
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Thanks Cathy, it has been therapeutic writing this. cloud9.gif  Your suggestion has been taken on board.  :pharoah2

Snow lovie.gif  :cheer:


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Mar 25 06, 14:40
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QUOTE(Don @ Mar. 24 2006, 11:10)
I enjoyed the smooth delivery.

Don

Thanks Don  :cloud9:

Snow lovie.gif  :sun:  :cheer:


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Guest_poeticpiers_*
post Apr 12 06, 15:07
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How starkly true people do find it easier tp pray than visit and cope with the remants left behind by dementia.  I worked as a social worker specialising in th elederly and was surprised at times by short periods of lucidity even in those badly affected. WE do not actually know what goes on in those clouded minds.
 
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Eisa
post Apr 17 06, 18:12
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QUOTE(poeticpiers @ April 12 2006, 16:07)
How starkly true people do find it easier tp pray than visit and cope with the remants left behind by dementia.  I worked as a social worker specialising in th elederly and was surprised at times by short periods of lucidity even in those badly affected. WE do not actually know what goes on in those clouded minds.

I often wondered what did go on in my mother's mind ~ a lot more than I realised I think  :sun:

Thanks for reading and commenting

Snow cheer.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post May 2 06, 07:24
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Another revision

Snow


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Aug 23 06, 15:43
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Hi everyone

I've done some more tweaking on this one but am not sure if they improve it or not. I'd appreciate your opinion.

Snow


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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JustDaniel
post Aug 23 06, 16:15
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Hey, Snow...

I know I've been in this procession before somewhere, but I'll pay my last respects anyhow...

QUOTE(Eisa @ Mar 20 06, 20:22 ) [snapback]71881[/snapback]
Celestial Spectator

Intent, I witness you[,] amassed to pay
your last respects, reciting snips of script
like actors from an ill-remembered play
performed in yesteryear. I listen, gripped
as timbres swell from anthems that [-] hymns I sang(,)
before my mind declined as I grew old.
I ponder our each long friendship(s) with a pang
of sadness. When I'd longed to feel consoled
by company, I watched you pass my door
to pray for me in church[...] and ached to hear
your voices[--](,) laughter lifting me once more.
I'd felt imprisoned; life became austere.
Religiously you mouthed my name in prayer( ; )
you’ve and left[...] it 'til late[,] to show how much you care.

hopin' ya ain't a-gonna snuff out ere I gets back here, Daniel wave.gif


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Slow down; things will go faster!

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AMETHYST
post Aug 24 06, 09:03
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Hey Snow,

This is quite powerful. The idea of imagining the thoughts of a loved one, while watching the mourning of those gathered to give tribute and respect to a loved one passed on. After I read this, I imagined my mothers thoughts and figured she would be saying something very close to your narrator.

She'd be thinking, why hadn't any of you visited me when I was alive, rather than to go through the motions of grieving when I am gone.

This took a personal residence in my heart and I felt you painted the view quite well. Your emjambments are smooth and uninterruptive, the end rhymes come off the tongue unnoticed, smooth, as if blending in a natural conversational tone and the turn allows the reader to feel the sense of regret of others choices, and Your ending lines, offer a strong confirmation, sometimes, it can be too late.



Some thoughts to follow, I hope I might add something. This is a very, very good Sonnet.

Hugs, Liz ...



QUOTE
Celestial Spectator

Intent, I witness you amassed to pay

I agree with Daniels suggestion of comma after you...as when I read it I naturually put a pause there as well.

your last respects, reciting snips of script
like actors from an ill-remembered play
performed in yesteryear. I listen, gripped
as timbres swell from anthems that I sang,

I like the alliteration of snips/script, but also like the association in the suggestion Daniel has made with 'hymns' and anthems. I think your perference should determine any change as they both work very well for various reasons.

before my mind declined as I grew old.
I ponder our long friendships with a pang

The word ponder fits with meaning, but I think it is personal perference, it seems a weak word in the context of the line. Ponder seems so 'mind' thinking, and the intent I get from the text is that the narrator contemplated the relationships with these mourners, some of which might possibly be more a stranger to her/him than their display of grieving would let others believe. I see the narrator pondering with both heart and mind...

Perhaps... perpending, or 'weighed' Perhaps even ...

I weighed our wilted friendships with a pang ...
or
I weighed our waning friendships ...
Weighing our waning friendships ...


of sadness. When I longed to feel consoled
by company, I watched you pass my door
to pray for me in church and ached to hear
your voices, laughter lifting me once more.

Excellent. Powerful and emotionally triggering. I found stark truth of this passage to be very profound.

I felt imprisoned; life became austere.
Religiously you mouthed my name in prayer;
you’ve left it late to show how much you care.

Perhaps I was imprisoned;

The word Religiously to my mind didn't feel like quite the right word that fit my interpretation here.

I am reading it like, these old friends, who hadn't visited while the narrator was home bound and ill, had past her home to go to church to say their prayers ... I keep getting the vision that these people often do this because this is what is expected. Sort of like going through the motions for the sake of others and what they think. Perhaps, after breaking it down, regiliously fits ... however, other alternatives to consider might be...

Mechanically you mouthed my name in prayer;
Responsibly you mouthed my name in prayer;

The final line, I believe you are saying ... you have left this show of concern for me to late to make a difference.

Perhaps...

and yet, it's much too late to show you care.

Then again, you might not want to sound so angry or harsh with the final line,

perhaps..

You've come a little late to show you care.

or maybe a slight very minor change as


you’ve left it late; this show of all your care.


I know, I know... get my critiques straight running.gif

Love ya, and think this is a powerful great poem... Very emotional for me.

Hugs, Liz


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Eisa
post Aug 25 06, 15:36
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Hi Daniel

You have certainly been in this procession before -- and I'm glad you came to pay your last respects as I feel I am near the final polish with this now.

Always good to have your ideas.

Snow


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Aug 25 06, 15:39
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Hi Liz

It's good to have you here as I know you understand where I am coming from with this one.

Your suggestions have given me some fresh thoughts to polish this as I feel it is near what it could be. Thank you for your time and care.

Hugs Snow cloud9.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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duetsdove
post Aug 25 06, 22:19
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Hi Snow. . .very beautiful. . .and close to where I've been spending time the last 8+ months.

While caring for my friend (one of my many soul mates) suffering from pancreatic cancer since last November. . .I came to understand both sides. . .for the most part. . .and, yet, with much more sympathy for the dying. . .wishing the living would overcome the fear of confrontation with death. . .and spend more time bedside.

She opted to have no funeral. . .no memorial. . .nothing following her death with the exception of her children, their significant others. . .a niece. . .an "adopted" son. . .and me present for her ash spreading.

Her reasoning. . .if they know there will be no funeral. . .perhaps they will come see me now. . .alive rather than only coming to pray for me post death.

She did receive countless visitors. . .and for that I know she was grateful. ..and so am I. ..yet. . .without a memorial/funeral so many of her friends are without closure. . .

Anyway. . .I can offer nothing in the way of crit. . .too close to the situation. . .and it reads heartfelt and lovely to me. . .just wanted to leave my calling card.

May your grief be assuaged by Love.

~Ren~


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Merlin
post Aug 25 06, 23:50
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Hello Eisa,

Sonnetry can be a hurdle to conquer if one wishes to follow their parameters.

I'd like to point out only 1 spot that needs minor correction, rather than go into much detail on this particular piece. There's a spot where the verb tenses are out of kilter, and I do believe there is an extra comma where it shouldn't be. Here >>

I listen, gripped
as timbres swell from anthems that I sang,
before my mind declined as I grew old.


If one removes the clause, leaving I listen, before my mind declined as I grew old., everything needs to be in past tense as in I listened..., or present as in declines as I grow... However, I think what you're saying is this -
I listen, gripped
as timbres swell from anthems that I sang
before my mind declined as I grew old.
without a comma after 'sang'.

There tis.

Merlin


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Eisa
post Aug 27 06, 17:30
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QUOTE(duetsdove @ Aug 26 06, 04:19 ) [snapback]81880[/snapback]
Hi Snow. . .very beautiful. . .and close to where I've been spending time the last 8+ months.

While caring for my friend (one of my many soul mates) suffering from pancreatic cancer since last November. . .I came to understand both sides. . .for the most part. . .and, yet, with much more sympathy for the dying. . .wishing the living would overcome the fear of confrontation with death. . .and spend more time bedside.

She opted to have no funeral. . .no memorial. . .nothing following her death with the exception of her children, their significant others. . .a niece. . .an "adopted" son. . .and me present for her ash spreading.

Her reasoning. . .if they know there will be no funeral. . .perhaps they will come see me now. . .alive rather than only coming to pray for me post death.

She did receive countless visitors. . .and for that I know she was grateful. ..and so am I. ..yet. . .without a memorial/funeral so many of her friends are without closure. . .

Anyway. . .I can offer nothing in the way of crit. . .too close to the situation. . .and it reads heartfelt and lovely to me. . .just wanted to leave my calling card.

May your grief be assuaged by Love.

~Ren~




Hi Ren ~ this has made me feel so sad. it is so important to have that closure on someone's life, but then it was her wish.

My mother's story is different. She was an active member of the Church for fifty years, helping fundraising, adding folk to her prayer list ... yet when she stopped going to church because of her Alzheimer's (she was at this point capable of holding a conversation) only one friend visited her regularly. She couldn't understand why they didn't come. She had messages saying they were praying for her ... even the pastor stopped calling.
I knew everyone would turn up to her funeral, I just wish they had remembered her when she was alive. I wrote this poem for her -- and felt she was helping me with every line.

Snow cloud9.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 29th March 2024 - 01:38




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