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Afloat (was Night of Insomnia) Revision, huitain |
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Jun 5 13, 17:37
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Eira Needham
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In revision I have changed the title to something less obvious. Also changed to luminescent caves (thank you Maureen) Also felt I needed a more unusual ending so brought in Butterfly fish who swim together to whisper. I have had a suggestion that the name of butterfly fish -Chaetodontidae sounds quite lyrical so I've tried it out and it has grown on me. It does fit the meter - CHAE-to-DON-ti-DAE
Afloat
Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave, my irksome daytime chores - ignored.
Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to drift in luminescent caves of dreams, where sanity's restored.
Then Chaetodontidae's faint tune sweeps me away to sleep's lagoon.
----------------------------------------- St was:
Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my irksome chores, ignored.
first revision of ending: Sea butterflies susurrant tune transports me into sleep's lagoon
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Night of Insomnia
Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my daytime chores, ignored.
Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to drift into a slumberous cave of dreams, where sanity's restored.
A distant sea-nymph's soothing croon envelops me in sleep's cocoon.
-----------------------------------------
St2 L2 was: to dive into deep ocean caves
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Jun 6 13, 01:01
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Ornate Oracle
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Referred By:David Ting
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What a delicate, lovely piece, Eisa! I have only one suggestion to ToT. QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 5 13, 20:37 ) Night of Insomnia
Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my daytime chores, ignored.
Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to dive into deep ocean caves <<<<< float instead of dive? And perhaps another word for 'deep'? To make one think more of a place to slumber. ToT!! of dreams, where sanity's restored.
A distant sea-nymph's soothing croon envelops me in sleep's cocoon.
Beautiful finale!!
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Jun 8 13, 07:24
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Syl I am so pleased you like this one - the first I've written this year! Your suggestion of float is much nearer to what I wanted in that line - thanks! Let's hope my muse is returning. Snow
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Jun 8 13, 20:56
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Referred By:arnfinn
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This is beautiful work Eisa - it paints a delightful picture
Totally agree with changing dive to float - far more restful. I did wonder if luminescent caves would work for you as I believe many of these underwater caves/caverns share this feature.
Thanks for the read. Very much enjoyed
Cheers
Maureen
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Jun 14 13, 07:27
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (Maureen @ Jun 9 13, 02:56 ) This is beautiful work Eisa - it paints a delightful picture
Totally agree with changing dive to float - far more restful. I did wonder if luminescent caves would work for you as I believe many of these underwater caves/caverns share this feature.
Thanks for the read. Very much enjoyed
Cheers
Maureen Thanks so much for your suggestion of luminescent for the caves - I like it and have used it in revision! I felt it would relate quite well to dreams. Cheers Snow
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Jun 14 13, 07:30
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Mosaic Master
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Thanks John - it's always good to hear from you. I made a few more changes - hope they work for you. Snow
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Jul 3 13, 16:38
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Mosaic Master
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Another revision of ending! Snow
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Jul 14 13, 17:46
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Snow, What a lovely Huitain! I definitely favor your new title and revision but do have a few suggestions for you to ponder as you wish. Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my irksome chores, ignored.I feel a slight bump with 'about my'. It's slight, but makes me think how much I like both images of 'daytime' and 'irksome' so offer this alternative: those irksome daytime chores. . . ignored. (or maybe an em dash instead of ellipse)Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to drift in luminescent caves of dreams, where sanity's restored.Beautiful! Then Chaetodontidae's faint tune sweeps me away to sleep's lagoon.Here: I like the image of a sea-nymph too and prefer 'envelops' over 'sweeps'. As always, lovely to read your poetry! Cheers, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 17 13, 14:51
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 14 13, 23:46 ) Hi Snow, Hi Lori - It's great to see you in this thread What a lovely Huitain! I definitely favor your new title and revision but do have a few suggestions for you to ponder as you wish. Good - I like having something to chew over Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my irksome chores, ignored.I feel a slight bump with 'about my'. It's slight, but makes me think how much I like both images of 'daytime' and 'irksome' so offer this alternative: those irksome daytime chores. . . ignored. (or maybe an em dash instead of ellipse)Yes! I have to say that bit has bothered me too (about is a bit of a filler?) I like your suggestion and will change it now.Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to drift in luminescent caves of dreams, where sanity's restored.Beautiful! Thanks!
Then Chaetodontidae's faint tune sweeps me away to sleep's lagoon.Here: I like the image of a sea-nymph too and prefer 'envelops' over 'sweeps'. I am still not completely happy with any of my endings (and I have some not shown here ) I have kind of left it on the back burner. I still find chaetodontidae a bit of a mouthful! I initially changed envelops as I felt it was too similar to cocoon, but as I've changed cocoon I might reconsider.
Thanks Lori - you've been a big help! HugsSnow As always, lovely to read your poetry! Cheers, ~Cleo
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Jul 17 13, 20:56
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Mosaic Master
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Glad to be of some help, Snow - always!
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 19 13, 21:13
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Ornate Oracle
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Hi Snow!
I think I like all your versions...LOL...
Just popped in to tell you. I hope you're feeling better. You have such loads of stuff to do. Take care!!
Hugs, Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Jul 30 13, 17:51
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Eira Needham
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QUOTE (Psyche @ Jul 20 13, 03:13 ) Hi Snow!
I think I like all your versions...LOL...
Just popped in to tell you. I hope you're feeling better. You have such loads of stuff to do. Take care!!
Hugs, Syl***
Hi Syl - I have such a lot of catching up to do! I am feeling a lot better, but I'm just very busy at the moment. I think the trouble with the poem is - I like all the revisions too! LOL! Perhaps I'll stick with the last one. Nice to hear from you. Hugs Snow
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