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Posted by: JustDaniel Jun 22 13, 06:10

In case you're curious, Sylvia suggested that I post this here from the challenges:

REVISION #1 ... Thanks, Larry and Lori!



A Door to Curiosity

Walking the halls of his high school last week,
suddenly his curiosity peaked.
something made his curiosity peak.
Daybreak now peeked from a place that he swore
Daybreak peeked in from a place where he swore
he'd never noticed a door there before!
he'd never noticed a doorway before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist
seeping out underneath... and it is locked.
seeping out under the door... which was locked.
Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
Nearly in shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked....
Suddenly out of the space came a clown

mocking the man like Uriah the Heep.
mocking the rube like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, he woke up from sleep.
Thoroughly humbled, I woke from my sleep.

© MLee Dickens'son 2013

from a challenge to use the words: daybreak, song, mist and shock... and the phrase: He'd never noticed a door there before.

Posted by: Larry Jun 23 13, 23:31

Hi Daniel,

Surely "A Door To Curiosity" is a curiosity in itself. I don't know how many Dactylic sonnets are out there but there can't be many. You not only did an excellent job in utilizing the given words and a difficult phrase to form a coherent story but did so with a touch of Copperfield and Heinlein thrown in for good measure (The Door into Summer).

I didn't see any "crit ***" so there are none offered. Just a small comment...

Great job and a very enjoyable story.

Thanks

Larry

Posted by: Merlin Jun 24 13, 17:08

Hi JD,
I wrote one a while back that wasn't in IP also, but since I was in heavy discussion with a colleague at the time, didn't call it a sonnet. HOWEVER, now that I am older and wiser, and since "sonnet" means "little song" in Italian, why not? There are many in middle and older English that are 18 lines, and sonnets.

Good on ya for stretching the boundaries.

I'm curious if there were any curios behind the door?

Back when I was doing monthly generator checks in one building, I noticed an exit sign on the wall, but there were only bricks. Perhaps once there was a door. Caspar had no problem exiting, but I always used the main door.

M

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 24 13, 18:00

Ha ha Daniel!

That was a fun poem to read; glad to see the Pandora challenge sparked this response.

Cheers,
~Cleo

Posted by: Psyche Jun 27 13, 03:19

Hey Merlin!

I've enjoyed this 'different' sonnet so much that I'd like to nominate it for IBPC.

It would be sent for August, too late for July. If you agree?

You have plenty of time to tweak it. Do you wish for any suggestions?

No *** in sight!!

Cheers, Syl***

Posted by: Larry Jun 27 13, 08:45

Hey Sylvia,

I know Merlin posted right before you and your post, giving him credit for "A Door to Curiosity" was just a simple mistake - it's by Daniel although it could have come from either of their humor loving minds.

Larry

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 1 13, 06:35

Hey, y'all....

I've been away for a week's vacation at the shore, and although the place advertised that we had Wi-Fi access, not only did I not have any in our rooms, but even what was available outside, at the pool, or on the veranda was inconsistent, and I simply did not have opportunity to get online. Also I'm waiting for new batteries for my computer, which should arrive any time now, and I'm tied to the charger cord... and there were no outside outlets available where we were. Even service for my IPad was inconsistent,,, and even when it is available, my old fingers don't work too well on such a dinky keypad!

All of that to say this....

YES, I do welcome critique. I simply forgot to indicate so, when I first posted this.

and YES, I'd be proud to have this nominated. It's enough off-beat, that maybe it would have a chance. So... I'd appreciate all your help, friends!

deLighting in the prospect, Daniel

Posted by: Larry Jul 1 13, 10:14

Hi Daniel,

Welcome back from your holiday. Sorry it was in a "dead zone".

Okay, using my most critical eye, here are the things I noticed through a few reads. They are, as always, TOT suggestions.

Larry


Walking the halls of his high school last week,
suddenly “something made” his curiosity peaked.

This gets rid of the near-rhyme of “week/peaked” and one of the two instances of using “suddenly” in the same sonnet.

Daybreak now peeked “in” from a place that “where” he swore

(getting rid of present-tense “now” where most of the poem is in past-tense form and changing “that” – a definite article to “where” indicating a place.)

he'd never noticed a door there before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist
seeping out underneath... and it is “was” locked. (again, from present to past-tense)
Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked.
Suddenly out of the space came a clown

mocking the man like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, he woke up from sleep.

Posted by: Psyche Jul 6 13, 15:06

So sorry, Daniel, for my mixup, please forgive!

Do you intend to tweak anything? I see you've received suggestions from Larry.

I'm asking coz there's a new vacancy for July's IBPC, due to Sergio's decision to send a poem from another site.

Only one poem is going, a shame!

Maybe yours can be sent if you reply today. It looks good to me, but Larry's offers are fine, have you thought about them?

Hugs, Syl***

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 15 13, 13:28

Hi Daniel,

I came back to take another 'peek' at this one and see that Larry has offered a few items to nibble on, which I feel would improve the imagery and rhythm as well as the tense changes. One area he didn't cover that I shall here is in this bit:

Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

The is something about 'in a shock' that is bothersome to me. I'm not sure why. I want to read it as: still in shock

Perhaps you'll consider a replacement there?

Cheers,
~Cleo

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 15 13, 17:21

Thank you all for your assistance with this. I definitely will be working on this to get it prepared for the nomination for August. I've just not been able to be here for the past week because of my schedule. I'll be back shortly.

Thank you for your patience with me. I'll be visiting others' posts as well soon, I trust!!

deLighting in the expectation, Daniel

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 20 13, 10:31

Hi Daniel,

Just checking in - are we going to be sending this into the August IBPC?

Please let me know (and if so, are there any further edits to what I have posted in the IBPC forum's thread?

Cheers,
~Cleo

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 13, 11:48

QUOTE (Larry @ Jun 24 13, 00:31 )

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 13, 11:50

QUOTE (Merlin @ Jun 24 13, 18:08 )

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 13, 11:53

QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jun 24 13, 19:00 )

Ha ha Daniel!

That was a fun poem to read; glad to see the Pandora challenge sparked this response.

Cheers,
~Cleo

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 13, 11:59

QUOTE (Psyche @ Jun 27 13, 04:19 )

Hey Merlin!( Daniel! ^-ed. )

I've enjoyed this 'different' sonnet so much that I'd like to nominate it for IBPC.

It would be sent for August, too late for July. If you agree?

You have plenty of time to tweak it. Do you wish for any suggestions?

No *** in sight!!

Cheers, Syl***

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 13, 12:47

QUOTE (Larry @ Jul 1 13, 11:14 )

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 13, 12:50

QUOTE (Psyche @ Jul 6 13, 16:06 )

So sorry, Daniel, for my mixup, please forgive!

Do you intend to tweak anything? I see you've received suggestions from Larry.

I'm asking coz there's a new vacancy for July's IBPC, due to Sergio's decision to send a poem from another site.

Only one poem is going, a shame!

Maybe yours can be sent if you reply today. It looks good to me, but Larry's offers are fine, have you thought about them?

Hugs, Syl***

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 13, 12:54

QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 15 13, 14:28 )

Hi Daniel,

I came back to take another 'peek' at this one and see that Larry has offered a few items to nibble on, which I feel would improve the imagery and rhythm as well as the tense changes. One area he didn't cover that I shall here is in this bit:

Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

The is something about 'in a shock' that is bothersome to me. I'm not sure why. I want to read it as: still in shock

Perhaps you'll consider a replacement there?

Cheers, ~Cleo

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 13, 13:10

QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 20 13, 11:31 )

Hi Daniel,

Just checking in - are we going to be sending this into the August IBPC?

Please let me know (and if so, are there any further edits to what I have posted in the IBPC forum's thread?

Cheers, ~Cleo

Posted by: Larry Jul 20 13, 16:09

Hi Daniel,

Excellent revision...

It has lilt and sings to me now. No nits or bumps (except for the ones coming from behind the door!).

Enjoyed immensely.

Larry

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 20 13, 21:01

Thank you for your help, Larry, and I appreciate your further look!

If something else occurs to you (as it did to me three times after I posted it and had to return for tweaks), please let me know.

deLighting in your assistance... and looking forward to offering it to others here soon myself!

- Daniel

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 21 13, 12:27

Hi Daniel,

FABULOUS revision! Nice inner rhymes as well.

Let me take a look again:

Walking the halls of his high school last week,
something made his curiosity peak. **Even though the syl count is accurate, I think it sounds better if you add 'had' - something had made his curiosity peak.** the slants of thing and made need a soft go-between methinks.
Daybreak peeked in from a place where he swore
he'd never noticed a doorway before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist
seeping out under the door... which was locked.
Nearly in shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked.... ***delete one endstop
Suddenly out of the space came a clown

mocking the rube like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, I woke from my sleep.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 21 13, 18:55

Hi Daniel,

I just noticed one more thing and wanted to confirm this is what you want: In your opening stanza, your rhyme scheme is AABB but in S2 & S3 it alternates.

~Cleo

Posted by: Psyche Jul 27 13, 01:49

Hi Daniel, at last!

I had a good laugh when you suggested I might retire the nomination as the poem is yours and not Merlin's. LOL...

I've just read your Revision. I think it's fine as is, with good suggestions from Larry, Merlin and Lori.

I hope the judge has a sense of humor. Best of luck! I too apologize for being absent so long. I do translations and my hubby is ill. And my PC chose to crash...

I hope to return to read other poems.

Enjoyed!

Syl***

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 29 13, 05:29

Hi Daniel,

Just checking in one last time before I send this one off to the IBPC - is the above 'topic start' your final revision to send?

Thanks and best of luck!
~Cleo