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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Tattoo (revised May 25)
Posted by: bbnixon Apr 20 07, 08:03
Hi All,
As always, honest feedback is greatly appreciated.
:) brenda
Hi all,
I went with strophes and a more substansive rewrite...curious if it is better/or worse than the orginal. I am desperately trying to improve my revision skills (they are appalling). It is May, so I am done with the poem a day challenge...so I hope to be around a little more....as always honest feedback is appreciated.
:) brenda
Revision 3
I think I am close..maybe....a couple of things...does invisible in the first strophe....send a confusing message...especially to the last line....do I need the microscope...as always honest feedback is appreciated.
Tattoo
My epidermis is covered
in invisible designs.
Flowers bloom,
vines snake across my back
and honeysuckle trails
down my legs, buds
explode into flowering toes.
Within this vessel lurks
color wells. India Ink forms
a lattice of henna rings and grecian
scrolls. Royal blue tints opaque white.
I burn my flesh. A steady hand dips
sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green.
In a room of mirrors
under ultraviolet light, I examine
my handiwork with microscopic eye.
Vibrant bluebonnets
encircle my waist
while Indian paintbrushes thrive
in the cradle between my breasts.
No longer visible--the words
you used to label me.
(Revison 2-I edited it already based on Lizs great suggestions.. Thank-you Liz). Still want to know if if something is lost from the original. I am unsure.
Tattoo
My epidermis is covered
in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom,
vines snake
across my back,
and honeysuckle trail
down my legs, buds
explode into flowering toes.
Within this vessel lurks
color wells. Indian ink forms
a tentative outline
that sears tender flesh. Royal blue
tints snow white opaque.
A steady hand dips
sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green.
In a room of mirrors
under ultraviolet light, I examine
my handiwork with microscopic eye.
Vibrant bluebonnets
encircle my waist,
while Indian paintbrushes thrive
in the cradle between my breasts.
No longer visible are the words
you used to label me.
Tattoo (Revision 1)
My epidermis is covered in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom. Growing vines snake
across my back. Honeysuckle trails my legs,
buds explode in flowering toes.
Within my vessel lurks color wells.
Indian ink forms a tentative outline
that sears my tender flesh. Royal blue tints
snow white opaque. My hand steady,
sterile needle dips into hard orange,
and grass green.
In a room of mirrors, under ultraviolet light
I examine my handiwork with microscopic eyes.
Vibrant bluebonnets encircle my waist,
Indian paintbrushes thrive in the cradle
between my breasts.
No longer visible--the words you used to label me.
Tattoo
My epidermis is covered in invisible ink,
intricate designs, blooming flowers and
growing vines snake across my back.
Honeysuckle trails down my legs,blooms
explode in flowering toes. I have looked
at every inch of my skin and not once
did I find tattooed the words that you used
to label me. Willing to give you the benefit
of doubt, I stood in a room of mirrors
under ultraviolet light and searched, as
hard as I looked there was no branding
anywhere on my tender flesh. I slowly dress,
brush my long brown hair, glance at myself in
the mirror, there, across the bridge of my nose,
in large bold letters. Self Respect.
Posted by: Ephiny Apr 20 07, 08:19
Hi Brenda,
This is a marvellous poem..with superb imagery and a stunning last line that really makes an impact. I love how you use the image of tatoos and I love these lines
blooming flowers and
growing vines snake across my back.
Honeysuckle trails down my legs,blooms
explode in flowering toes. beautiful!
My suggestion would be maybe to tighten up the lines a little because the images can really stand out. Please feel free to use these suggestions, or not, as you wish
Tattoo
My epidermis is covered in invisible ink,
intricate designs, blooming flowers and
growing vines snake across my back.
Honeysuckle trails
down my legs, blooming
in flowering toes.
I have looked
at every inch of my skin,
never finding the tattooed words you used
to label me.
Willing to give you the benefit
of doubt, I stood in a room of mirrors
under ultraviolet light, searching.
There was no branding
anywhere on my tender flesh. Maybe you don't need this line as "there was no branding" is very strong and might stand alone?
I slowly dress, brush my long brown hair
and glance in the mirror.
There, across the bridge of my nose,
in large bold letters.
Self Respect.
These are just suggestions and again, if you want to ignore, that's fine:) But I think this is brilliant..a very strong powerful message and ending. I enjoyed it very much,
Lucie
Posted by: Eisa Apr 20 07, 17:41
Hi Brenda
This has tremendous imagery, which I love. I think you might be able to trim back in parts or rearrange line differently.
Tattoo
Invisible ink covers my epidermis
with intricate designs,
flowers bloom and vines grow,
snaking across my back.
Honeysuckle trails down my legs,
exploding in flowering toes.
I have looked
at every inch of my skin
not finding the words tattooed
that you used to label me.
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt,
I stood in a room of mirrors
searched under ultraviolet light
but no branding anywhere
on my tender flesh.
I slowly dress,
brush my long brown hair,
glancing in the mirror;
across the bridge of my nose,
in large bold letters.
Self Respect.
These are a few ideas to trim/rearrange -- use or lose!
I think 'self respect' might have more impact on a a line of its own.
A very powerful poem as it stands.
Snow 
Posted by: Psyche Apr 22 07, 19:18
Hi Brenda!
Stupendous poem! I'm a little intrigued as to your meaning, but I agree with the others about spacing out the lines a little, into 3 or 4 stanzas.
Some ideas -to use at will- and maybe a question or two:
As always, honest feedback is greatly appreciated.
:) brenda
Tattoo
My epidermis is covered in invisible ink,
intricate designs, blooming flowers and Perhaps a different word to qualify 'flowers', since flowers are usually 'blooming', unless, of course, wilted. Maybe 'rare' or 'startling'?
growing vines snake across my back.
Perhaps:
Invisible ink covers my epidermis.
Intricate designs with rare flowers
and prolific vines
snake across my back.
Just ideas!!!
Honeysuckle trails down my legs,
explodes in
I have looked at every inch of my skin
found the tattoed words
you used to label me.
to label me.
Perhaps:
Honeysuckle trails down my legs,
explodes in blossoming toes.
I've looked at every inch of my skin
but never once
found the tattoed words
you used to label me.
More ideas to toss or use!! Your imagery is superb, I'm only trying to synthesize a little...
Willing to give you the benefit
of doubt, I stand in a room of mirrors Shouldn't it be 'stand'?
under ultraviolet light and searched, and 'search', with full-stop?
As hard as I look there is no branding
Perhaps:
Willing to give you the benefit
of doubt, I stand under ultraviolet light
in a mirrored room,
searching.
There is no branding
on my tender flesh.
I slowly dress,
brush my long brown hair,
glance at myself in the mirror:
there, across the bridge of my nose,
in large bold letters:
Self Respect.
This is an intriguing poem, with fine imagery and movement. I've been left wondering whether the tattoes were all in the MC's imagination. The final "Self Respect" is meaningful, as if the person had followed somebody's caring advice and not covered his/her body with tattoes?
Enjoyed this greatly!!!
Thank you,
Sylvia ***
Posted by: bbnixon Apr 24 07, 05:22
Ephiny, Snoe and Phyche
Thanks to everyone for the read and the comments. This poem started out with line breaks much like suggested and then I decided to block it....I am not sold on either presentation, I think for the re-write I will likely go back to the strophes...I also like most of the trims and suggestions...
I am letting it settle some before I revise, as I have been thinking perhaps a more substansive re-write is needed....
I would love for everyone to check back in about a week and see what you think ( I am going on short vacation). I will address specific comments with the revision. This is one I feel strongly about and want to go for the more...revisions for me very difficult...most of the time I get there...but very slowly...and this is an improvement for me...as they used to just go into a file on my computer...and never get revised...
Wishing everyone a wonderful spring day.
:) brenda
Hope everyone
Posted by: Ryan Apr 25 07, 06:15
I enjoyed the theme of this poem. Self respect. I could easily imagine this poem with the images you have presented, leaving just a little room for individual interpretation. I have tried tried to think of a few revision ideas for you, feel free to use or toss.
My epideral cover is invisible
ink
intricate designs a bloom of flowers,
vines snaked across my back.
Honeysuckle trails
down my
legs,
blooms explode in flowering toes.
I look at every inch of my skin,
no tatoos of your despotic words
I give you the benefit
of doubt as I stand in a room of mirrors
under ultraviolet light
I see no brand
on tender flesh.
I dress
brush my festoon of brunette
glance
at the bridge of my nose in the mirror,
SELF RESPECT.
I had fun playing around with this. I hope I didn't over extend my bounds.
Posted by: Kay Apr 25 07, 11:34
Brenda,
I know I've already critted this. Just letting you know I enjoyed it and am waiting for a revision.
Posted by: bbnixon May 2 07, 06:34
Hi Ryan and Kay,
Thank you for the read and the comments. Sorry for my late response, I was on vacation with my sisters and my Mom, I got home late Monday. I have been a little overbooked, and am hoping know I can focus on getting some much needed revisions done and spending time reading others works and providing crit. Ryan, I like your some of your cutss, and I smile because this poem has had about 3 different forms, the first more like yours, the second in well defined strophes and then the final the block I presented for crit. I am not sure what they final form will be. I did something I have never done in working on a revision, I broke the poem down line by line, counted the syllable, marked vowels, and alliteration...I am hoping when I get done, the poem will have more polish....Please check back after I post the revision....and see if the analytical approach I am using, is working....
Hope you both have a very good day.
:) brenda
Posted by: AMETHYST May 3 07, 09:47
Hi Brenda ...
I can't believe this is my first visit to this. I will keep my thoughts on the revision for now, and hopefully I can still make a difference. :)
What a great metaphor and the execution of it is well done! You have provided some very powerful imagery that allows the reader to visualize the narrator, the details and the emotions that hide behind all of these descriptions.
I did feel, because of the unique angle this offers, less would be more -
Some examples to follow. I liked a lot of what Ryan offered. I think the visual changes in line breaks and formatting is also a strong option.
Hugs, Liz ...
PS EXCELLENT WORD CRAFTING!
My epidermis is covered in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom. Growing vines snake
across my back. Honeysuckle trails my legs,
buds explode in flowering toes.
I especially liked the use of growing vines, flowers and beauteous things to cover something that is unwanted. Wonderful depth. Please forgive me for offering an example instead of just suggestions, sometimes it is hard to find the right words to show what my intention. :) (Old age sneaking up) LOL Just some line break considerations and weeding out of unnecessary words.
My epidermis is covered
in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom,
vines snake
across my back,
and honeysuckle trail
down my legs, buds
explode into flowering toes.
Indian ink forms a tentative outline
that sears my tender flesh. Royal blue tints
snow white opaque. My hand steady,
sterile needle dips into hard orange,
and grass green.
Within this vessel lurks
color wells. Indian ink forms
a tentative outline
that sears tender flesh. Royal blue
tints snow white opaque.
Suggest Stanza break here allow the colors to blend and meld and then follow through into another stanza with the physical, technique of creating these colors and images.
A steady hand dips
sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green.
I examine my handiwork with microscopic eyes.
Vibrant bluebonnets encircle my waist,
Indian paintbrushes thrive in the cradle
between my breasts.
In a room of mirrors,
under ultraviolet light, I examine
my handiwork with microscopic eye.
Vibrant bluebonnets
encircle my waist,
while Indian paintbrushes thrive
in the cradle between my breasts.
Excellent line to end with. :)
Best Wishes, Liz
Posted by: bbnixon May 5 07, 07:49
Hi Liz,
I took them all, every single one of your suggestions...This poem I have blocked, scrolled, broke into strophes, played with....and when I saw the way you broke it up...it just seemed right...Thank you...Very Cool Beans... I really like this forum, because it encourages revisions....something I am not very good at....Thank you for your support..
Hope your day is very good
:) brenda
Posted by: AMETHYST May 5 07, 17:44
Hi Brenda,
I am glad I could offer helpful suggestions. I think this is a wonderful and powerful poem, the only final thought I might have is in the very final line ... changing 'the words you used to label me' might work better as ... " ... are the words you used to label me.'
What an interesting view of abuse...
Hugs, Liz
Posted by: bbnixon May 5 07, 17:56
Hi Liz,
I made a couple of small changes and added the are....I am a little concerned...as it is not about abuse...in the strictest sense..it is about feeling empowered...about respecting yourself...of not given others the power to label you...whether it be words spoken in anger by a loved one, or by sterotypical labels based on appearance or race or relegion...curious what others think..
Thank you for everything...
:) brenda
p.s. how do yu change the titles so they say revised like...I can not figure out how to do that....
I am glad I could offer helpful suggestions. I think this is a wonderful and powerful poem, the only final thought I might have is in the very final line ... changing 'the words you used to label me' might work better as ... " ... are the words you used to label me.'
What an interesting view of abuse...
Hugs, Liz
Posted by: Eisa May 5 07, 18:05
Great revision Bren! 
Snow
Posted by: AMETHYST May 5 07, 18:18
Hi Brenda,
Actually that is what the poem states to me, about standing up for one's self and about respect... standing up against abuse, but I am working now and wanted to reply, but hadn't the time to put time into it - so unfortunately, I chose the wrong word.
As for the title change, I will make the changes for you for now... after you obtain a certain amount of posts to your credit, the security program will allow you to edit your own titles. This is for all new members under ... hmmm, I am not sure of the exact post total - Let me know what you want the title line to read and I will make the change!
Hugs, Liz
I made a couple of small changes and added the are....I am a little concerned...as it is not about abuse...in the strictest sense..it is about feeling empowered...about respecting yourself...of not given others the power to label you...whether it be words spoken in anger by a loved one, or by sterotypical labels based on appearance or race or relegion...curious what others think..
Thank you for everything...
:) brenda
p.s. how do yu change the titles so they say revised like...I can not figure out how to do that....
Posted by: Judi May 5 07, 19:03
As always, honest feedback is greatly appreciated.
:) brenda
Hi all,
I went with strophes and a more substansive rewrite...curious if it is better/or worse than the orginal. I am desperately trying to improve my revision skills (they are appalling). It is May, so I am done with the poem a day challenge...so I hope to be around a little more....as always honest feedback is appreciated.
:) brenda
(Revison 2-I edited it already based on Lizs great suggestions.. Thank-you Liz). Still want to know if if something is lost from the original. I am unsure.
Tattoo
My epidermis is covered
in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom,
vines snake
across my back,
and honeysuckle trail
down my legs, buds
explode into flowering toes.
Within this vessel lurks
color wells. Indian ink forms
a tentative outline
that sears tender flesh. Royal blue
tints snow white opaque.
A steady hand dips
sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green.
In a room of mirrors,
under ultraviolet light, I examine
my handiwork with microscopic eye.
Vibrant bluebonnets
encircle my waist,
while Indian paintbrushes thrive
in the cradle between my breasts.
No longer visible are the words
you used to label me.
I like this poem immensely, but these lines that you added IMHO do not add to your wonderful poem
Within this vessel lurks
color wells. Indian ink forms
a tentative outline
that sears tender flesh. Royal blue
tints snow white opaque.
A steady hand dips
sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green.
in my mind they confuse the fact that your tatoo is written with invisible ink. I like it very much better without these lines. They kind of came out of nowhere. I don't think that you need this. Judy
Tattoo (Revision 1)
My epidermis is covered in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom. Growing vines snake
across my back. Honeysuckle trails my legs,
buds explode in flowering toes.
Within my vessel lurks color wells.
Indian ink forms a tentative outline
that sears my tender flesh. Royal blue tints
snow white opaque. My hand steady,
sterile needle dips into hard orange,
and grass green.
In a room of mirrors, under ultraviolet light
I examine my handiwork with microscopic eyes.
Vibrant bluebonnets encircle my waist,
Indian paintbrushes thrive in the cradle
between my breasts.
No longer visible--the words you used to label me.
Tattoo
My epidermis is covered in invisible ink,
intricate designs, blooming flowers and
growing vines snake across my back.
Honeysuckle trails down my legs,blooms
explode in flowering toes. I have looked
at every inch of my skin and not once
did I find tattooed the words that you used
to label me. Willing to give you the benefit
of doubt, I stood in a room of mirrors
under ultraviolet light and searched, as
hard as I looked there was no branding
anywhere on my tender flesh. I slowly dress,
brush my long brown hair, glance at myself in
the mirror, there, across the bridge of my nose,
in large bold letters. Self Respect.
Posted by: Kathy May 6 07, 07:02
Hi Brenda, I am not strong on Freeform, having concentrated on R&M mostly. But I'll do my best to offer helpful crit.
Firstly, I like the revision. You've done away with a lot of unnecessary stuff (adjectives, mostly) that blocked it for me.
'Epidermis' gets in the way though. Why not just
I'm covered in invisible designs;
intricate flowers...
the rest flows on and we know it is on the skin. 'Epidermis' is clinical, and it feels 'clever,' as if it was a new word for you. (Sorry, don't mean to be rude. I'm searching for words myself here.)
Hang on, I'll add bits to the copy ...
(Revison 2-I edited it already based on Lizs great suggestions.. Thank-you Liz). Still want to know if if something is lost from the original. I am unsure.
Tattoo
I'm covered covered
in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom, (maybe take 'intricate? It is more of a statement without it and it allows the reader to imagine their own version.)
vines snake
across my back,
and honeysuckle trail
down my legs, buds
explode to flower in my toes.
The next stanza feels clumsy to me, as if you've lost the flow. Dunno what to suggest just now.
Within this vessel lurks
color wells. Indian ink forms
a tentative outline
that sears tender flesh. Royal blue
tints snow white opaque.
With a steady hand I dip
a sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green.
In a room of mirrors,
under ultraviolet light, I examine
my handiwork (: I took the teeny tiny eye out...)
v ibrant bluebonnets
encircle my waist,
while Indian paintbrushes thrive
in the cradle between my breasts.
No longer visible are the words
you used to label me.
The closing statement is beaut! I like the cradle between the breasts too.
Hope that's helpful. I will come back and read all your versions, see if there's anything else I can suggest.
PS You've reminded me of one I wrote ages ago. If I post it you can get your own back by ripping mine to bits. 
K
Posted by: bbnixon May 6 07, 07:34
Hi Judi,
Welcome to M & M. My sisters name is Judith, I believe you are only the second Judith I met...
It seems that this second strophe may be a problem...I feel like the thought of it is important...as a metaphor for self respect...so I am going to let it settle some...to see if I can find a way to make it flow smoothly into the poem. Thank you for the comments and the read. It might take me a day or two...or more but I will get to a revision...
Hope your day is very good.
:) brenda
Hi Kathy
This made me laugh, I would love to read your poem....and I would give you an honest crit...I don't think I am critical enough in giving crits....something I wish I was better at...
I am not very good with rhyme and meter...but on occcasion I will try...I post in a challenge thread on another site, the topic and form rotates, everyone one else in the group write predominatly R & M, most of the time I but together a barely passable effort..if I get stuck, they will let write free verse... This time someone suggested a Sestina....I am not even going to try that one....
Epidermis is not new to me...I am a environmental scientist...have a degree in Biology and Chemistry...I orginally had epithelium layer...but I thought that to scientific...I chose epidermis as it was not as personal as skin...and was going for a slight detachment..as if the hate couldn't touch skin... but I will think some more, as I want it to work...for the reader..your suggestion good..I need to let it settle..
'Epidermis' gets in the way though. Why not just
I'm covered in invisible designs;
intricate flowers...
intricate I am not overfully attached to...will think on that. The second strophe is important..so I need to think how flow can be improved from S1... How to get the clumsy out...
Thank you for the read and comments. I like comments that challenge me, that I need to chew on.
Hope your day is very good
:) brenda
Posted by: Kathy May 6 07, 08:59
Thanks Brenda. There are now two minutes left of my day.
Sorry about the statified squamous stuff. No slight intended, but you knew that.
Hugs,
K
PS ... PING! It's tomorrow!
Posted by: bbnixon May 6 07, 09:16
Kathy,
I knew that...no apology neccesary....sorry if my response seemed short( I didn't intend it as such)...can I use the stratified sqaumous cells in another poem...I ike the way that rolls off the tongue....
Go to bed.....good night...sleep tight
:) brenda
Sorry about the statified squamous stuff. No slight intended, but you knew that.
Hugs,
K
PS ... PING! It's tomorrow!
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 6 07, 16:44
Hi Brenda. 
Less is definitely MORE Brenda! I love the revision, both in shape and words. I have just a few more ideas to throw into the pot to stew over.
Enjoyed this!
~Cleo 
[add] {delete}
My epidermis is covered
in invisible designs.
Intricate flowers bloom,
vines snake
across my back, (don’t think you need this comma here when followed with ‘and’)
and honeysuckle trail
down my legs, buds
explode into flowering toes.
Nice visual and colorful opening. An option to avoid the in/invisible (where I stumbled), is a slight rearranging of the opening as follows;
Invisible designs
cover my epidermis.
Within this vessel lurks
color wells. Indian ink forms
a tentative outline
that sears tender flesh. Royal blue
tints snow[-] white opaque.
Nice continuity with color and visual imagery!
A steady hand dips
sterile needle into hard orange
and grass green. (What is grass green?)
In a room of mirrors{,} (no comma here)
under ultraviolet light, I examine
my handiwork with microscopic eye.
Vibrant bluebonnets
encircle my waist{,} (no comma here)
while Indian paintbrushes thrive
in the cradle between my breasts.
No longer visible are the words
you used to label me.
Great, unexpected ending!
Posted by: bbnixon May 25 07, 06:22
Hi Cleo,
Thanks for your comments, sorry for the late response. I meant to revise nearly 10 days ago...just end of school activities and my daughters softball season got in the way. Hopefully I am close.
Hope your day is very good.
:) brenda
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