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> Photographs of "A Morning At The Beach" Revision 1, FV
Judi
post Jun 13 07, 07:57
Post #1


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Revision 1...This is a cross between FV and Prose...I have written other Photographs for other Seasons, ..It is too short for a short story, and is kind of like
an unrhymed vignette...I guess that is what you could call it..

I walk to the beach at 6 a.m.
while others are still sleeping.
Coffee in hand I stand on a dune
and see nothing but hungry gulls
cawing to one another as
they dive for fish as foaming
surf surges toward shore.

The sand feels cool and silky under
my feet as I walk to waters edge.
I let waves lick my toes, stand
for a moment, then begin my walk
along the tidal wash.

The beach is strewn with pretty shells,
I place some in the plastic bag I'd
tucked in my jeans. My grandchildren
will enjoy adding them to their collection.

I'm joined by a family walking
their lab. How he loves chasing
the ball they throw for him. His
powerful legs move like pistons
as he prances to his master
with it in his mouth.

I climb the dune and see a
restaurant facing the beach.
The aroma of freshly baked
cinnamon buns fills the air,
and I decide to breakfast there.

Other families begin arriving;
another day at the beach
has begun, but they won't know
the peace they missed at 6a.m.

=============================================================
Original

I walk to the beach at 6 a.m
while others are still sleeping.
Coffee in hand I stand on a dune
leading to the beach. I see
no one but hungry gulls cawing
to one another as they
dive for fish over the foaming
surf surging toward the shore.

The sand feels cool and silky under
my feet as I walk to waters
edge. I let waves lick my toes,
stand for a moment, then begin
my walk along the tidal wash.

The beach is strewn with pretty shells
and some are placed into the plastic
bag I'd tucked into my jeans
The grandchildren will enjoy adding
them to their collection when
I take them home when summers done

I am joined by a family walking their lab.
How he loves chasing sticks
they throw for him. His powerful
legs move like pistons as he
finds them and prances back
to his master with them in his mouth.

I climb the dune and hungry, walk
to a nearby restaurant facing the beach.
The aroma of freshly baked cinnamon
buns fills the air and I
decide to breakfast there. Other
families begin arriving; another
day at the beach has begun,
but they won't know the peace
they missed at 6 a.m.

Judith Anne Labriola


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Terocon101
post Jun 13 07, 16:14
Post #2


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Real Name: Terry O C
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Referred By:Ephiny



Hi Judi,

Thank you for sharing the tranquility of your morning stroll with me, I found it very calming. You presented the snapshots of your walk very well and each of those glimpses blended well into the next, creating a very pleasant flow of images, as I was reading it.

Do I have to be critical? OK, If you insist.

QUOTE (Judi @ Jun 13 07, 13:57 ) [snapback]98120[/snapback]
I walk to the beach at 6 a.m. while
others are still sleeping.
Coffee in hand I stand on a dune
leading to the beach. The repeat of 'beach' here is unnecessary as we already know where your going from the first line. But also the repeat is distracting in such quick succession. Maybe "leading to the strand" or "which descends to the shore"
I see no one but hungry gulls I wasn't sure about 'I see no one..' at first it seemed wrong, but then I thought... Is that what this person is going to the beach to see?..ie, no one, to be there alone. So maybe it does work, not sure.
cawing to one another as they dive
for fish over the foaming
surf surging toward the shore. I love these last three lines, bravo!!

The sand feels cool and silky under
my feet as I walk to waters edge.
I let waves lick my toes, stand
for a moment, then begin my morning(?) Your morning walk is only beginning?? Do you mean 'continue my morning walk along the tidal wash'?

walk along the tidal wash.
The beach is strewn with shells of all types Personal preference: replace 'types' with 'sorts'. No big deal, just a me thing.
and I drop some into the plastic bag
I had tucked in my pocket,(.)
My grandchildren will enjoy adding them to
their collection when I take them home.

I am joined by a family walking their lab.
How he loves chasing sticks they
throw for him. His powerful legs move
like pistons as he chases them
and prances back to his master
with them proudly in his mouth.

I climb the dune and walk to a nearby I would lose 'and walk' as we already know your mode of transport grinning.gif
restaurant facing the beach.
The aroma of freshly baked cinnamon buns
fills the air and I decide to breakfast there.
Other families begin arriving; another
day at the beach has begun, but they
won't know the peace they missed
at 6 a.m.
Unless they read your poem,lol Also I'd say that those that came after you might have found some peace there.

Judith Anne Labriola


I usually write in rhyme(or at least I try) and to me this seems like a beautiful short story, since I'm not very experienced in free verse I'll stop at that.

Ok, thats my bit, I enjoyed that and I hope I was of some assistance.

Terry


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Terry


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lights
light

--Raymond Rosliep


"The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates."

--Oscar Wilde

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Judi
post Jun 13 07, 17:56
Post #3


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Thanks Terry,

I will go back and change most of the things you mention...it always helps to have another's opinion. You are right, I can say what I want to say with fewer explanations.

I will have a revision done soon...and thanks so much for your help! Judi


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Terocon101
post Jun 16 07, 18:49
Post #4


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From: Co. Galway, Ireland
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Real Name: Terry O C
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Ephiny



"and see nothing but hungry gulls "

Hi Judi,
I'm glad I was of some assistance the last time I read this. So I'll chance my luck again.
I really enjoyed this as you know, and your revision was even better grinning.gif

I just wondered if the above line sits right? IMO, the words "and see nothing" just don't belong in such a image packed piece. Especially since its called "Photographs of..."
I know its already been changed once because of some silly advice given to you by some Irish fool, blush21.gif don't listen to him, it was better the other way.

Or

Coffee in hand I stand on a dune
listening to the hungry gulls
cawing to one another as
they dive for fish over the foaming
surf surging toward the shore.

Ok thats my three cents now. Use or lose.

Terry


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Terry


light
lights
light

--Raymond Rosliep


"The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates."

--Oscar Wilde

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bbnixon
post Jun 17 07, 06:53
Post #5


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Real Name: Brenda Nixon Cook
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Sampo



HI Judi,

I lke the thought of an early morning walk to the beach...the communion of self with nature as the morning stretches to meet the sun....dawn, is my favorite envelope of time, almost sacred, I am an early riser...and generally spend my dawn in my garden with a cup of coffee. Your poem has some great images, of the beach I can visualize the walk, the stooping over selecting the best shells beloved grandchildren. My main comment is to par down the extra verbage...if you wanted it more poem/less prose like. I am going to illustrate with one of the strophes


The sand feels cool and silky,
waves lick my toes. I stand,
steps follow the the tidal wash
strewn with pretty shells.

I hope this helps, I much enjoyed the walk.

:) brenda


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Guest_Don_*
post Jun 17 07, 08:04
Post #6





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Hi Judi,

Following is limited to your revision #1. Someone must tell me whether or not this is classified as prose poetry. The images are prolific and the pastoral aspect is peaceful. I am glad you cleaned up the dog and his mouth scene from previous version.

An excellent treatment of the cliché that the early bird gets the worm.

Thanks for sharing.

Don
 
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Judi
post Jun 17 07, 11:34
Post #7


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Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (Don @ Jun 17 07, 09:04 ) [snapback]98325[/snapback]
Hi Judi,

Following is limited to your revision #1. Someone must tell me whether or not this is classified as prose poetry. The images are prolific and the pastoral aspect is peaceful. I am glad you cleaned up the dog and his mouth scene from previous version.

An excellent treatment of the cliché that the early bird gets the worm.

Thanks for sharing.

Don


Don, All I can say is that a vignette is part prose and part poetry. I have used a lot of assonance througout my "photograph" and presented it more as a poem. I have seen others do this...one of my favorite poets, Gladys Taber wrote beautiful poetry which I would classify more as vignettes about her home and life. I have others (vignettes) which have been published. (about Winter)

Here is what someone has said about "Vignettes"

What is a vignette? Put simply, a vignette is a short, descriptive literary sketch. But what is a vignette, exactly? Is it a prose poem? A very short story? A piece of nonfiction? Or is it something new entirely? Actually, a vignette can be any of these, and acclaimed authors-poets, fiction writers and nonfiction writers alike-are trying their hands at writing the vignette in recently published anthologies s


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Judi
post Jul 6 07, 10:00
Post #8


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From: Central Florida
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Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (bbnixon @ Jun 17 07, 07:53 ) [snapback]98317[/snapback]
HI Judi,

I lke the thought of an early morning walk to the beach...the communion of self with nature as the morning stretches to meet the sun....dawn, is my favorite envelope of time, almost sacred, I am an early riser...and generally spend my dawn in my garden with a cup of coffee. Your poem has some great images, of the beach I can visualize the walk, the stooping over selecting the best shells beloved grandchildren. My main comment is to par down the extra verbage...if you wanted it more poem/less prose like. I am going to illustrate with one of the strophes


The sand feels cool and silky,
waves lick my toes. I stand,
steps follow the the tidal wash
strewn with pretty shells.

I hope this helps, I much enjoyed the walk.

:) brenda


I am sorry Brenda that I overlooked replying to your query...Don got me involved in my explanation of a "vignette" which is what this is called...and you are right...it is part poem and part prose with a lot of similar verb sounds thrown in for good measure. I think sometimes when you want to paint a word picture it is the easiest with a vignette.. I call them photographs, and someday I will do a book of these sketches. (hopefully) Judi


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Guest_Don_*
post Jul 6 07, 10:24
Post #9





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Happy day Judi,

I must agree with your descriptions and definitions of viginettes. If you see a viginette for me it will be an unrhymed six line format poem invented by Flozari Rockwood. As you point out the intent is to provide a snapshot.

Don
 
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Judi
post Jul 6 07, 10:38
Post #10


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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (Don @ Jul 6 07, 11:24 ) [snapback]99304[/snapback]
Happy day Judi,

I must agree with your descriptions and definitions of viginettes. If you see a viginette for me it will be an unrhymed six line format poem invented by Flozari Rockwood. As you point out the intent is to provide a snapshot.

Don


Thanks Don...I will go and look up Flozari, and get the scoop on that form...Happy day back atcha...says Judi


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