Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> A Grunt with No Name
JaxMyth
post Jun 11 07, 22:01
Post #1


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list





The Calf is mouthing verdigris.
The Bitch of Rome is unimpressed.
Expressing her mortality
Britannia lifts and points her breast...


I met a soldier in a tree-less land,
who said:-" Once I rode upon a white horse.
Then the rain and wind had soft hands
and each day was glory come to visit.
Milk and honey seeped into my bones
and I was the Paladin and Saviour of all.

Now, I spend my nights in a savage land
each eye wracked by skeins of pale skin.
My brothers lie as broken pieces
and I stand watch wasted in the sand.

The rubble drizzles dust and men.
I try to breathe and hold myself tall
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
and hatred hammers down my hands and feet."


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_itsmechris_*
post Jun 12 07, 11:14
Post #2





Guest






QUOTE
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
and hatred hammers down my hands and feet."


Thank you for such visually moving imagery. I took back my seat to this
one and read it twice! Bravo!
However I would like to ask, why the italicized stanza?
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_Cathy_*
post Jun 12 07, 11:56
Post #3





Guest






Hi Jax,

This is a very powerful poem, especially the ending. Your use of imagery is strong as well! This may sound dumb but what is the connection between the title and the poem?

I've got just a couple of comments or suggestions... use or lose as you see fit! *smiles*

Cathy

I met a soldier in a tree-less land. < Should this be a comma?
who said:-" Once I rode upon a white horse.
The rain and wind had soft hands then
and each day was glory come to visit.
Milk and honey seeped into my bones
and I was the Paladin and Saviour of all.

I spend my nights now in a savage land,
each eye wracked by skeins of pale skin.
My brothers lie as broken pieces
while I stand watch wasted in the sand.

The rubble drizzles dust and men.
I try to breathe and hold myself tall
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
{and}[while] hatred hammers down my hands and feet."
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Judi
post Jun 12 07, 13:23
Post #4


Creative Chieftain
***

Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (JaxMyth @ Jun 11 07, 23:01 ) [snapback]98065[/snapback]
The Calf is mouthing verdigris.
The Bitch of Rome is unimpressed.
Expressing her mortality
Britannia lifts and points her breast...


I met a soldier in a tree-less land(.),
who said:-" Once I rode upon a white horse.
The rain and wind had soft hands(,)then(,)
and each day was glory come to visit.
Milk and honey seeped into my bones
and I was the Paladin and Saviour of all."

"I spend my nights now in a savage land,
each eye wracked by skeins of pale skin.
My brothers lie as broken pieces
while I stand watch(,) wasted in the sand.(")

"The rubble drizzles dust and men.
I try to breathe and hold myself tall(,)
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
and hatred hammers down my hands and feet."

Hi Jax....This is beautiful and a real keeper. The only nits I have are punctuation, and you can use or lose as you want. Thanks for sharing this! Judi


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Jun 13 07, 18:48
Post #5


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (itsmechris @ Jun 13 07, 02:14 ) [snapback]98085[/snapback]
QUOTE
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
and hatred hammers down my hands and feet."


Thank you for such visually moving imagery. I took back my seat to this
one and read it twice! Bravo!
However I would like to ask, why the italicized stanza?


Hi Chris,

It is an epigraph. It is non attributed as it was written by me.

Thank you for your kind words.

Regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Jun 13 07, 18:59
Post #6


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (Cathy @ Jun 13 07, 02:56 ) [snapback]98092[/snapback]
Hi Jax,

This is a very powerful poem, especially the ending. Your use of imagery is strong as well! This may sound dumb but what is the connection between the title and the poem?

A grunt with no name is the unknown soldier but it also riffs off America's 'horse with no name'. This of course ia also all conflated with Shelley's 'Ozymandias'. From gregarius to grunt they are the ones who bear the burden.

I've got just a couple of comments or suggestions... use or lose as you see fit! *smiles*

Cathy

I met a soldier in a tree-less land. < Should this be a comma? Yes it should and it will be changed thank you. A little sloppy housekeeping on my part. *cha-grin*
who said:-" Once I rode upon a white horse.
The rain and wind had soft hands then
and each day was glory come to visit.
Milk and honey seeped into my bones
and I was the Paladin and Saviour of all.

I spend my nights now in a savage land,
each eye wracked by skeins of pale skin.
My brothers lie as broken pieces
while I stand watch wasted in the sand.

The rubble drizzles dust and men.
I try to breathe and hold myself tall
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
{and}[while] hatred hammers down my hands and feet."

I have see-sawed on this greatly and am still a tad unsure.

Many thanks Cathy and regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Jun 13 07, 19:01
Post #7


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (Judi @ Jun 13 07, 04:23 ) [snapback]98102[/snapback]
QUOTE (JaxMyth @ Jun 11 07, 23:01 ) [snapback]98065[/snapback]
The Calf is mouthing verdigris.
The Bitch of Rome is unimpressed.
Expressing her mortality
Britannia lifts and points her breast...


I met a soldier in a tree-less land(.),
who said:-" Once I rode upon a white horse.
The rain and wind had soft hands(,)then(,)
and each day was glory come to visit.
Milk and honey seeped into my bones
and I was the Paladin and Saviour of all."

"I spend my nights now in a savage land,
each eye wracked by skeins of pale skin.
My brothers lie as broken pieces
while I stand watch(,) wasted in the sand.(")

"The rubble drizzles dust and men.
I try to breathe and hold myself tall(,)
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
and hatred hammers down my hands and feet."

Hi Jax....This is beautiful and a real keeper. The only nits I have are punctuation, and you can use or lose as you want. Thanks for sharing this! Judi


Thank you Judi,

Your comments are always gretaly appreciated,

regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
bbnixon
post Jun 15 07, 07:21
Post #8


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
Real Name: Brenda Nixon Cook
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Sampo



Hi Jax,

I have no nits, just appreciation. Being from a military family...I picked up on the grunt immediately...actaully it is what brought me in to read your poem. It works. I have favorite parts

Milk and honey seeped into my bones
and I was the Paladin and Saviour of all.


try to breathe and hold myself tall
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
and hatred hammers down my hands and feet."

I enjoyed the read very much.

:) brenda


·······IPB·······

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_Kathy_*
post Jun 18 07, 22:35
Post #9





Guest






OUCH Jax.

I don't entirely understand it, but I see riffs to Ozymandias, to war in the Middle East, the Old Testiment re Jews, crucifiction, mythology and the present. The Un-named Soldier through time.

That war and humanity's inhumanity to humanity is an ongoing madness.

The quote at the beginning increases mystery for me. I see that calf mouthing 'verdigris' although it is not a whale. ??? The Bitch of Rome and Brittania's point (of view?) baffle me further.

Jax, you are in my thoughts today as I hear warnings to residents to prepare for more, 'even worse' rain and wind in your region. The third lot of 'severe' weather within two weeks.



.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Jun 26 07, 06:37
Post #10


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (bbnixon @ Jun 15 07, 22:21 ) [snapback]98212[/snapback]
Hi Jax,

I have no nits, just appreciation. Being from a military family...I picked up on the grunt immediately...actaully it is what brought me in to read your poem. It works. I have favorite parts

Milk and honey seeped into my bones
and I was the Paladin and Saviour of all.


try to breathe and hold myself tall
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
and hatred hammers down my hands and feet."

I enjoyed the read very much.

:) brenda



Thank you Brenda and my apologies for the tardiness of my reply, Nature instead of the Piper intervened.

Regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Jun 26 07, 06:52
Post #11


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (Kathy @ Jun 19 07, 13:35 ) [snapback]98447[/snapback]
OUCH Jax.

I don't entirely understand it, but I see riffs to Ozymandias, to war in the Middle East, the Old Testiment re Jews, crucifiction, mythology and the present. The Un-named Soldier through time.

[b]You nailed it Kathy and yeah that poor bugger, the unknown soldier, never did have much luck!


That war and humanity's inhumanity to humanity is an ongoing madness.

What is that has been said many times "history is doomed to repeat itself" and all we poor poets can do is stave it off for a few heartbeats.


The quote at the beginning increases mystery for me. I see that calf mouthing 'verdigris' although it is not a whale. ??? The Bitch of Rome and Brittania's point (of view?) baffle me further.

The 'calf is the ab origine idol of the Middle East, verdigris not ambergris, the patine of ancient bronze, the 'Bitch of Rome' is the mother of empire, The 'quote' is not attributed as it is mine.

Jax, you are in my thoughts today as I hear warnings to residents to prepare for more, 'even worse' rain and wind in your region. The third lot of 'severe' weather within two weeks.

Severe weather? We fish with shovels *grin*

The Anglican Bishop of Newcastle got on the ABC the other day and bless him said "all you who have been praying for rain you can stop now!" It is good to hear a senior skypilot with a sense of humour *grin*

Hoof abscesses and road damage are my main worries, rampant weeds and tree falls the next, continuation of business comes an awfully close third. Lucerne hay looks as though it will double in price and halve in bale size. Ain't life grand! *smile*

Thanks Kathy and regards,

Jax



.


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JustDaniel
post Jul 3 07, 05:18
Post #12


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,457
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Well, after the others' comments and Kathy's summation, there ain't much else fer a bumpkin' ta say, 'cept that I was awed! [ I know, I often sound odd too. I'm just a very minor sky pilot with a skewed sense of humor. ]

It's been a delight to introduce myself to your writing, and though I don't always understand the depth of your references and allusions, I know that they're there for me to plumb once I figger out how!

deLightin'ly, Dan'l sun.gif


·······IPB·······

Slow down; things will go faster!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_Rosemerta_*
post Jul 5 07, 11:43
Post #13





Guest






Good morning, Jax,

For a novice, such as I, this was a challenge to read the first time. I had some of the same confusion as others have expressed. But after reading through the responses and your explainations, the second read was impressive indeed. I saw much more woven between the lines and am in awe.

~~Jackie
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 29th March 2024 - 03:58




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: