First let me thank you for offering up such a magnificent form. One I've never heard of but would find an interest in trying my hand at it. The poem itself, nearly made me cry by 2nd stanza - as I got the feeling the man had passed on, leaving the narrator in such a mournful state. However, at poem's end with the final lines, allow me to believe he returned. But then again, there were other interpretations that came to mind, and that multi-involvment worked so well on so many levels. I got the impression also of an airline pilot that leaves for periods of time ... and well, I just loved this poem!
I loved the story, the repetition of form and the lovely musical voice in this piece. I have read it a couple of times, and nothing at all stumbled, or felt out of sorts. It read so beautiful to my ear and mind.
A strong title, whereas, it immediately sets place and atmostphere for the reader. Wouldn't touch it!
Some further feedback to follow.
Big Hugs, Liz ...
So Glad to have you here to inspire me!
I’m missing dreamy gifts you bring
of lovely tranquil views.
Each night you stay, I wake to sing
a happy tune-- no blues.
Don’t leave me now–- when you take flight,
I toss and turn all through the night.
Don’t leave me now,
don’t leave me now;
oh spare me such an awful plight.
This is a song. A melody. The sounds interact with each other so beautifully and maintain a strong story line -
While missing dreamy gifts you bring,
I lie here wide awake,
aware of how I rarely sing
and every day I ache.
Return to me your soothing cloak.
I mumble spells I hope provoke:
Return to me,
return to me,
I need you now, you stubborn bloke!
Another great stanza. I liked L6, it pulled me in with the visions of that familiar praylike, chant when our hearts are aching and the prayers come from so deep within the soul it truly feels like chanting a spell to invoke our desire. I wasn't too thrilled with bloke, but I think that is because it wouldn't be something I would normally use. I keep wanting to say something with 'joke' - but what's there is fine.
Still missing dreamy gifts you bring,
I want my life restored.
Oh, how I long to wake and sing
the songs I so adored!
I pray and plead but you won’t come,
as here I lie, awake and numb.
I pray and plead,
I pray and plead;
at last, Sweet Sleep, you're here, ho hum
Love this. Wonderful, upbeat and a welcome change about by poems end. I liked the 'ho hum' ... it just added so much personality and character, like a cherry on top!