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Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 11 10, 10:22

I’m missing dreamy gifts you bring
of lovely tranquil views.
Each night you stay, I wake to sing
a happy tune-- no blues.
Don’t leave me now–- when you take flight,
I toss and turn all through the night.
Don’t leave me now,
don’t leave me now;
oh spare me such an awful plight.

While missing dreamy gifts you bring,
I lie here wide awake,
aware of how I rarely sing
and every day I ache.
Return to me your soothing cloak.
I mumble spells I hope provoke:
Return to me,
return to me,
I need you now, you stubborn bloke!

Still missing dreamy gifts you bring,
I want my life restored.
Oh, how I long to wake and sing
the songs I so adored!
I pray and plead but you won’t come,
as here I lie, awake and numb.
I pray and plead,
I pray and plead;
at last, Sweet Sleep, you're here, ho hum

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 12 10, 01:16

Hey Sue

First let me thank you for offering up such a magnificent form. One I've never heard of but would find an interest in trying my hand at it. The poem itself, nearly made me cry by 2nd stanza - as I got the feeling the man had passed on, leaving the narrator in such a mournful state. However, at poem's end with the final lines, allow me to believe he returned. But then again, there were other interpretations that came to mind, and that multi-involvment worked so well on so many levels. I got the impression also of an airline pilot that leaves for periods of time ... and well, I just loved this poem!

I loved the story, the repetition of form and the lovely musical voice in this piece. I have read it a couple of times, and nothing at all stumbled, or felt out of sorts. It read so beautiful to my ear and mind.

A strong title, whereas, it immediately sets place and atmostphere for the reader. Wouldn't touch it!

Some further feedback to follow.

Big Hugs, Liz ...
So Glad to have you here to inspire me!

This is a song. A melody. The sounds interact with each other so beautifully and maintain a strong story line -




Another great stanza. I liked L6, it pulled me in with the visions of that familiar praylike, chant when our hearts are aching and the prayers come from so deep within the soul it truly feels like chanting a spell to invoke our desire. I wasn't too thrilled with bloke, but I think that is because it wouldn't be something I would normally use. I keep wanting to say something with 'joke' - but what's there is fine.




Love this. Wonderful, upbeat and a welcome change about by poems end. I liked the 'ho hum' ... it just added so much personality and character, like a cherry on top!


Hugs, Liz

Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 12 10, 10:48

Hey Liz,
Uh oh, looks like my metaphor is a bit too hidden.
There's a clue in the last line as to who 'he' is.

It's wonderful to see you again, and read one of your thoughtful reviews.
Thank you.

the form is new to me too. I've done a couple. I like that it's very versatile and works for light or deep topic... though the repeat lines seem to steer toward melodrama.

here are the params.
Trijan Refrain
Rhyme scheme: a/b/a/b/c/c/d,d refrain of first 4 words of line five /c
Meter: 8/6/8/6/8/8/4,4 refrain/8"
the first line of stanza one is usually repeated but does not have to be exact in the 2 following stanzas

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 12 10, 23:16

Thank you Sue for the breakdown of the Params for the Form - I cannot wait to try my hand at it. As for the meaning of your poem, it probably isn't your poem, but rather it's been a while since I've really contemplated or put any thought into poetry. A long while. Perhaps the 'he' is the sandman??? Sleep in itself???

I rather like that each stanza opened a new meaning for me. Such as by 2nd stanza, I could relate to missing someone who had passed on... Either way, the poem works just as is, and even if the intended 'him' isn't fully clear to me, it relates to my soul. So it works!!!

Hugs, Liz ... Off to try my hand at this form ... hope I can make it dance as lovely as you!

Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 13 10, 07:41

hi Liz,
yes, the "he" is sleep but I have no problem with other interpretations, in fact, I welcome them with open heart.
I look forward to your Trijan.
happy writing!

Posted by: Eisa Sep 13 10, 15:54

Hi Sue

What a fantastic form - new to me too!

I had to read this twice get the metaphor (which I love) but find the poem lends itself to all sorts of interpretations.

I wouldn't change a word! This is great.

Snow

Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 15 10, 17:47

Thank you so much for those lovely comments, Snow.
It's an interesting form. I think you will enjoy trying it out.
enjoy!
Sue

Posted by: jgdittier Sep 27 10, 18:41

Dear Sue,
How nicely you've used this form! On rereading, I can't believe I didn't guess the subject to the last line.
Cheers, jgdittier