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> Pantoum
mike in brooklyn
post Apr 13 09, 21:26
Post #1


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Real Name: Michael Pollack
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As I threatened before I am posting my one and only Pantoum - which I suspect needs more than
a lot of work.

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as gently misted droplets fall
small streams and brooklets drink their fill
amidst the forest's grayish pall
a-gurgle runs the rocky rill

small streams and brooklets drink their fill
refreshed again life's liquid womb
a-gurgle runs the rocky rill
rejoice rejoice the forest's croon

refreshed again life's liquid womb
now bud and bloom and spread the seeds
rejoice rejoice the forest's croon
the young will father future deeds

now bud and bloom and spread the seeds
then grow the bole and branches high
the young will father future deeds
the old will soar and touch the sky

then grow the bole and branches high
renew the sap and breathe the air
the old will soar and touch the sky
to live is good the day is fair

renew the sap and breathe the air
send delving roots to probe and mine
to live is good the day is fair
the water-blood's in elm and pine

send delving roots to probe and mine
amidst the forest's grayish pall
the water-blood's in elm and pine
as gently misted droplets fall


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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Apr 14 09, 16:22
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Mike, I liked this, but if you want help from people here you have to post this in a critique forum for this you would use Hermes. I also thought Pantoums had to use the lines as they came in order? So that in the last stanza, line 2 and 4 should be reversed to reflect the same line in the first stanza?
Steve
 
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mike in brooklyn
post Apr 16 09, 08:57
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Thanks much for reading and commenting Steve.
I may post it in the critique forum.
See below for Pantoum (what an exotic name for a verse form) description.

http://www.baymoon.com/~ariadne/form/pantoum.htm


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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 15 09, 10:20
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Hi Mike,

What a lovely vision of nature! cloud9.gif

I am particularly fond of this image:

the young will father future deeds
the old will soar and touch the sky


I've enjoyed your personification throughout.

Cheers,
~Cleo sun.gif


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Guest_alice_*
post Aug 2 09, 05:33
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Hello Mike
I am still checking out these poetry forms. I'm not sure my brain would cope with writing a pantoum, but I am more than happy to read yours.

these two lines are simply delicious:

refreshed again life's liquid womb
now bud and bloom and spread the seeds


thanks for posting

Alice
 
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Aphrodite
post Oct 3 09, 09:04
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Hi Mike,

This is beautifully written and a wonderful representation of beauty in nature! A pantoum is not an easy poem to write, but you have made it seem effortless!

I think you did a masterful job in keeping a wonderful flow, while the "small streams and brooklets drink their fill!"

A refreshing expression, duality weeping of birth and reparation! (for me)

Lindi



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Merlin
post Nov 4 09, 00:42
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Hello Mike B,
I see this hearkens back to April, so I dunno if you're still looking.
You mention it's your "one and only" pantoum. You should have a bushel!
I haven't written them for more than a year, but there was I time I had a lot of fun with 'em. I found they took me into a direction of their own, not necessarily of my creation. They needed to be wrestled back to where I wanted to head.

Merlin



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