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Posted by: Eisa Jun 22 10, 05:36

REVISION 3

I've rearranged the stanzas - hope its improved!

Familiar Warmth

I settle opposite my hubby,
where a window table pampers us
with welcome refreshments,

Mam’s sitting here with us.

My stare declares he mustn’t sneer,
as he peers up from the Daily News,
closed mouth smile indulging me.

I flip through my memory pages
until I’m lunching here with her,
munching ham and salad bagels.
We gaze through the glass
at the crowded car park,
where bargain hunters cram
their trunks with treasure.

After our rummage through
the mall, we relished
time for energy renewal,
gulping cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.

Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me.

Is it the sun’s embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea?

Years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips
tingle.

-----------------------------------------------

Familiar Warmth (revision 2 + a few tweaks)

Bulging shopping bags
weigh against the wall where
a window table pampers us
with welcome refreshments.

I flip through my memory pages
until I’m lunching here with her,
munching ham & salad bagels.
We gaze through the glass
into the crowded car park,
where bargain hunters cram
their trunks with treasure.

After our rummage through
the shopping mall, we relished
time for energy renewal,
gulping cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.

Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me.

Mam’s sitting here with us.

Today, seated opposite hubby,
my stare dares him not to sneer
as he peers up from the Daily News,
closed mouth smile indulging me.

Is it the sun's embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt?

Years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips
tingle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recent tweaks

St 1 L3 was

a window table pleasures us

St2 was

I flip through my memory pages
until I’m lunching here with her,
munching ham & salad bagels
as we gazed through the glass
into the crowded car park,
where bargain hunters crammed
their trunks with treasure.

St3 L4 was

drinking cups of gossip

Last but one St L1 was

Is it the sunrays’ embrace

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Familiar Warmth (revision 1)

Parked on the padded chairs
at the window table
we are pleasured by refreshments;
bulging shopping bags
loll against the wall.

I flip through my memory pages
until I’m lunching here with her,
munching ham & salad bagels;
we gazed through the glass
into the crowded car park,
where bargain hunters crammed
their trunks with treasure.

After our rummage through
the shopping mall, we relished
time for energy renewal,
drinking cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me.

Mam’s sitting here with us.

Today, perched opposite hubby,
my stare dares him not to sneer.
Peering up from the Daily News
his closed mouth smile indulges me.

Is it the sunrays embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt? … but

years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared,
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips tingle.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL

Familiar Warmth

Parked on the padded chairs
at the window table
we are pleasured by refreshments;
bulging shopping bags
weigh against the wall.

I recall , lunching here with her,
munching chicken & salad bagels;
we gazed through the glass
as bargain hunters cram
their trunks with treasure.

After our rummage through the shopping mall
we relished time for energy renewal
drinking cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me.

Today, I perch opposite my husband
Mam’s sitting here with us -
my stare dares him not to sneer.
Peering up from the Daily News
his closed mouth smile indulges me.

Is it the sunrays embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt? … but

years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared,
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips tingle.

Posted by: Ephiny Jun 24 10, 05:22

Hello Snow,

I really loved this..that last line just took me breath away and as I read, I could not only picture the scene of the shopping mall and watching the shoppers but then have this wonderful glimpse into a treasured memory and it's such a testament to your writing that you can share such a personal and important memory and allow the reader to "see" so clearly, not just the memory but your thoughts about it now. I think it's beautiful. I put in a few suggestions and they're only small so please feel free to ignore!!



Familiar Warmth

Parked on the padded chairs
at the window table
we are pleasured by refreshments;
bulging shopping bags
weigh against the wall. (I wondered about using "weighted" as so often the more shopping we have, the harder to keep the bags sitting upright?! Only a tiny detail though)

I recall , lunching here with her, (do you need "I recall"..just a thought..)
munching chicken & salad bagels;
we gazed through the glass
as bargain hunters cram
their trunks with treasure. (should "cram" be "crammed"?)

After our rummage through the shopping mall
we relished time for energy renewal
drinking cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me. (brilliant and lovely image)

Today, I perch opposite my husband (how about "today, perched opposite my husband?")
Mam’s sitting here with us - (as such a powerful line..would this work in itallics? or even standing alone above the stanza then going on to the line with your husband?)
my stare dares him not to sneer.
Peering up from the Daily News
his closed mouth smile indulges me. (so well described..)

Is it the sunrays embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt? … but

years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared,
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips tingle.

I adore these last two stanzas..wouldn't change a think about them and that final line..such a beautiful way of showing the extraordinary in a routine event shared with someone so special..this is really marvellous and I'm so glad I read it xx

Posted by: Eisa Jun 24 10, 16:36

Hi Lucie

You have offered me some great suggestions here which I shall be using in a revision. I am so glad you enjoyed reading this - it's really great to have you back!

Snow

Posted by: Eisa Jun 29 10, 16:14

Hi Lucie

I've taken on board your comments and made a revision.

Thanks for your help.
Snow

Posted by: Siren Jun 29 10, 20:54

Hey hny,

This is so nostalgic and deeply touching. I love the revision and will come back for a more thorough comment

hugs
dani

Posted by: Eisa Jul 2 10, 15:23

Hi Dani - I have missed you! I look forward to your return.

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: anaisa Jul 4 10, 17:18

Hi Eira,

I loved this peom. Loved your husband and his reaction, lol.
I thought the one line here-

as bargain hunters crammed
their trunks with treasure.

"Their trunks" gives me this image of an attic trunk, and that they
are carrying around these huge bulky things with them to shop.
You used "bags" earlier, is there another word perhaps?
That was my only little nit, in this wonderful poem. Good to see you!

K

Posted by: Eisa Jul 6 10, 10:39

Hi Karen - good to see you.

Thanks for pointing out that line - I have been wondering about that part myself.
Firstly, I don't think I've made it clear that the cafe overlooked the car park - so the trunks were the car boots.

I've made an alteration there which might make it clearer, but I might change it again later.

Snow

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 15 10, 13:33

Hi Snow,

I've been meaning to get in here and today, I finally had a few minutes to comment. I enjoyed the revision and the changes thus far and the sentiments portrayed throughout. I have a few notes below for you to ponder as you wish.

[add] {delete}

Parked on {the} padded chairs
at the window table
we are pleasured by refreshments;
bulging shopping bags
loll against the wall. --Preferred ‘weigh’ for alliteration to wall.
To slightly change the intro, here is an inversion of the lines for you to ponder:
Bulging shopping bags
weigh against a wall where
the window table finds us
pleasured by refreshments –
Atop padded chairs (if you feel this line necessary).

I flip through my memory pages --Luv this!
until I’m lunching here with her,
munching ham & salad bagels; --Perhaps change to endstop or start next line with ‘as we gazed’.
we gazed through the glass
into the crowded car park,
where bargain hunters crammed
their trunks with treasure.

After our rummage through
the shopping mall, we relished
time for energy renewal,
drinking cups of gossip
to quench curiosity. –Nice stanza!
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, --I would make this its own stanza.
often erupted to drench me.

Mam’s sitting here with us.

Today, perched opposite hubby, --Not sure I understand the word ‘perched’ as I keep thinking of a bird.
my stare dares him not to sneer.
Peering up from the Daily News
his closed mouth smile indulges me.
A bit wordy stanza = perhaps this might be a pleasing sub for you?
Today, perched opposite hubby,
my stare dares him not to sneer
as he peers up from the Daily News:
closed mouth smile indulging me.

Is it the sunrays embrace –I’d like to see an apostrophe in sunrays’
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt? … but --I would eliminate the ellipse and the word ‘but’ here.

years after her departure –If you eliminate the ‘but’ above, capitalize years.
that familiar warmth we shared, --delete this comma
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips tingle. –I would move the word ‘tingle’ down.

Very nice poem Snow! Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

Posted by: anaisa Jul 18 10, 22:04

Ha! much better- I get it now!

K

Posted by: Eisa Jul 19 10, 16:55

Hi Lori

So glad to have your thoughts on this - you have targeted areas I was uncertain of, so your critique has been very fruitful.

Revsion coming soon.
Snow

Posted by: Eisa Jul 19 10, 16:56

Great!

Snow

Posted by: bombadil1247 Jul 20 10, 06:07

Hi, Snow,

long time no read, and that's been my loss. Again, I'm a late arrival and most of the work has been done. I still see a couple of things you might want to consider, so with your permission,

L2 of this strophe brings this into the present so I think your tense choices should reflect this, ie 'gazing' for 'as we gazed' and 'cram' for 'crammed'.



I really like the image of 'cups of gossip' but feel you could use something like 'cuddling' rather than 'drinking' to strengthen the image and the alliteration.



Not really happy with 'sunrays' in line 1 here, why not just 'sun's'? My final thought is on the choice of 'pleasures' in s1,l3 - I can see what you mean but that word has such sexual connotations that I wonder if it's appropriate - perhaps the more obvious 'pampers' or perhaps 'eases' here?

Yours to use or lose of course,
Jim

Posted by: Eisa Jul 21 10, 16:26

Hi Jim - it's good to see you again and have your thoughts on my poem.

L2 of this strophe brings this into the present so I think your tense choices should reflect this, ie 'gazing' for 'as we gazed' and 'cram' for 'crammed'.

Well spotted Jim! I have changed the beginning of this stanza from the original, which has indeed changed the tense. I will change that straight away.



I really like the image of 'cups of gossip' but feel you could use something like 'cuddling' rather than 'drinking' to strengthen the image and the alliteration.

Mmm... not sure that cuddling suits my intent, but perhaps I can think of something stronger than drinking.



Not really happy with 'sunrays' in line 1 here, why not just 'sun's'?

Yes - I agree with you here

My final thought is on the choice of 'pleasures' in s1,l3 - I can see what you mean but that word has such sexual connotations that I wonder if it's appropriate - perhaps the more obvious 'pampers' or perhaps 'eases' here?

I have had my doubts about pleasures - I really like pampers though.

I'm off to do some tweaking!
Thanks Jim

Snow

Posted by: Eisa Jan 20 11, 16:55

I've made some changes to this one - hope it's improved.

Snow

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 21 11, 07:38

I look forward to reading them later, Snow!

Posted by: Eisa Jan 22 11, 19:09

Look forward to your comments, Lori.

Snow