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> Double Shootout
RC James
post Nov 3 15, 11:08
Post #1


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Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody





He lit his first cigarette of the night and stepped out into the soggy darkness of southern winter. About the time Darrell left the trailer park, the incident that would shape his day at work began. Twin brothers, with identical strawberry blond hair from Valdosta, South Georgia, had walked inside the Super Targett store and gone back to the accounting room. The only guard in the store called the sheriff. The dispatcher told Darrell to proceed with lights but no siren. Billy Ray Campbell, his partner, 5'5", bald headed and a toupee with attitude, was riding shotgun in the car. Now he was shouting at Darrell, "slow down man, I don' wannadie.!"

Traffic lights flashing yellow, Darrell was just blowing through them at 80.
He was the first out of the car and asked, "Where you want us?" "Take your unit to the end of the building, leave the flashers on, and wait in the ditch."

Two county cops were in the ditch 15-20 yards from them, and Darrell thought about trajectories, and Billy Ray's excitability. He had his gun out trained on the door in front of him, thinking to himself "I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is happening."

Then the twins came out through the back walk-through onto the loading ramp steps.
The 1st held the door for his brother pushing a cart full of bank bags.
Both ran down the ramp holding Browning 9 MM automatics
with 14 shot clips welded back to back with extra clips in their pockets.
They came toward Darrell and Billy Ray jumped up, "Halt Police!"
Spotlights flooded the area with gold lights.They started shooting but couldn't see.
Darrell grabbed Billy Ray and jerked him back down, cops on the right firing.

Darrell hit one in the hip, with everybody firing, the other brother grabbed 2 bags out of the cart and made it to the woods. The bullet had hit his brotherís pelvis, shattered it
and a leg bone. Now Darrell felt the wind blowing cold, neither of them dressed for it. Back at the sheriff's office they filled out reports in triplicate.

Back home in the trailer he fixed a scotch, and walked to his arm chair, with his gun still strapped on.
Halfway through the scotch the trailer shook with a KERWHAMM! He jumped up,
pulled his 41 out of the holster and fired. Nerves taut as piano wire, he opened the back door. An 11-12 year old kid carrying his bike was running towards the woods.
The bullet hole in the trailer was 3' above ground, the size and shape of Darrell's heart.
 
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Eisa
post Nov 8 15, 19:43
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Richard,

Just to say I've been here and will call back tomorrow when I'll have more time. (hectic weekend) I hope you don't feel forgotten here away fro the other forums.

Eira


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Nov 9 15, 18:27
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Wow! Richard that was so exciting and I loved the unexpected ending.

I notice you are very good at story telling in your poetry too and are able to transport the reader right into the scene. I'm not used to critiquing stories so I can't say anything technical. all I can say is how much I enjoyed this. Thanks for posting in this 'forgotten' forum.

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Dec 8 15, 00:26
Post #4


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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting



It's been a long time since I've read short stories at MM, so I'm enjoying a bellyful with yours, Richard!

Can't say I have any experience reviewing stories. I like the way you've got such a lot of action into a short piece. Plus info on cops & guns, with some humor which appears to end badly. I hope the little boy was not injured much. He could run away, sounds OK, right?

Hope I've understood it correctly.


QUOTE (RC James @ Nov 3 15, 14:08 ) *
He lit his first cigarette of the night and stepped out into the soggy darkness of southern winter. About the time Darrell left the trailer park, the incident that would shape his day at work began. Twin brothers, with identical strawberry blond hair from Valdosta, South Georgia, had walked inside the Super Targett store and gone back to the accounting room. The only guard in the store called the sheriff. The dispatcher told Darrell to proceed with lights but no siren.

QUOTE
Billy Ray Campbell, his partner, 5'5", bald headed and a toupee with attitude, was riding shotgun in the car. Now he was shouting at Darrell, "slow down man, I don' wannadie.!"


This is great!!

Traffic lights flashing yellow, Darrell was just blowing through them at 80.
He was the first out of the car and asked, "Where you want us?" "Take your unit to the end of the building, leave the flashers on, and wait in the ditch."

Two county cops were in the ditch 15-20 yards from them, and Darrell thought about trajectories, and Billy Ray's excitability. He had his gun out trained on the door in front of him, thinking to himself "I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is happening."

Then the twins came out through the back walk-through onto the loading ramp steps.
The 1st held the door for his brother pushing a cart full of bank bags.
Both ran down the ramp holding Browning 9 MM automatics
with 14 shot clips welded back to back with extra clips in their pockets.
They came toward Darrell and Billy Ray jumped up, "Halt Police!"
Spotlights flooded the area with gold lights.They started shooting but couldn't see.
Darrell grabbed Billy Ray and jerked him back down, cops on the right firing.

Here it seems that Darrell hit one of the cops in the hip, as you mention them last. TorT !!

QUOTE
Darrell hit one in the hip,
with everybody firing, the other brother grabbed 2 bags out of the cart and made it to the woods. The bullet had hit his brotherís pelvis, shattered it
and a leg bone. <<<<< ouch!

Now Darrell felt the wind blowing cold, neither of them dressed for it. Back at the sheriff's office they filled out reports in triplicate.

You've repeated 'back' so soon. Another word?

QUOTE
Back
home in the trailer he fixed a scotch, and walked to his arm chair, with his gun still strapped on.
Halfway through the scotch the trailer shook with a KERWHAMM! He jumped up,
pulled his 41 out of the holster and fired. Nerves taut as piano wire, he opened the back door. An 11-12 year old kid carrying his bike was running towards the woods.
The bullet hole in the trailer was 3' above ground, the size and shape of Darrell's heart. <<<<<<good finale, hope the kid's all right?

Cheers, Sylvia





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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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4rum
post Sep 19 22, 04:29
Post #5


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Real Name: Sam Richmond
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:N/A



You've packed a lot of action into a very short scene. As shoot outs will do, it got a little busy and a bit hard to follow. Good opening, gets the story going without a lot of superfluous and unneeded detail. Coming from a 'gun' background I appreciated the technical detail on the weapons. I don't think most readers would need that much. I do like and use sound words but I would like to know exactly what the 'KERWHAM' was.

Hope I don't sound too negative. I really liked the way you moved the story with no pauses to put the reader off. This could certainly be expanded as well should you ever choose to revisit and add to your story.


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Values are to integrity as spirit to spirituality ... the one is needed that the other is sustained ~ Sam

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