Transcendence in Alice's House ~~Second Revision Options

[azurepoetry]

Transcendence in Alice's House --Second Revision

"...the Arts transcend limited social boundaries like class, race, and nationality."
– Turiyasangitananda (a.k.a. Alice Coltrane, in memorandum)


Tuned to the burning stars within our cosmos,
she touched the harp, releasing
souvenirs plucked like musical notes
from collections of journeys beyond her inner ear.

How can I chart the depth of dripping candles,
that measure the spiral shadows of a staircase
or calculate the dimensions of a black hole
that fills the space between ivory keys?

She drew a line from her legacy
to the cluster of Pleaides--seven sisters
intertwined in her delicate hands,
yet independent like the sturdy legs
under her grand piano, when she played

bop that transfigured the teardrops of Shiva
into falling grains of sand.
Encircled in fire, He also beat the celestial drum
for her lover, who rose through divinity
around the cleansing scirocco of tenor saxophone,

into the mythology of jazz.



Original

Tuned to the burning stars within our cosmos,
she touched the harp, releasing
souvenirs plucked like musical notes
from collections of journeys beyond her inner ear.

How can I chart the depth of dripping candles,
measure a spiral staircase on graph paper,
or calculate the dimensions of a black hole
that fills the space between those ivory keys?

She drew a line, from her legacy
to the cluster of Pleaides, seven sisters
intertwined in her delicate hands,
yet independent, like the sturdy legs
under her grand piano, when she played

bop that transfigured the tear drops of Shiva
into falling grains of sand.
While He beated the celestial drum, encircled in fire--
the other who has risen through divinity
around the cleansing scirocco of tenor saxophone,

into the mythology of jazz.

[Arnfinn]

“...the Arts transcend limited social boundaries like class, race, and nationality.”
– Turiyasangitananda (a.k.a. Alice Coltrane, in memorandum)

How are ya mate,

For members to get full appreciation from your poem. They must tune into the life of A.C.


Tuned to the burning stars within our cosmos,
she touched the harp, releasing
souvenirs plucked like musical notes
from collections of journeys beyond her inner ear.

How can I chart the depth of dripping candles,
measure a spiral staircase on graph paper,
or calculate the dimensions of a black hole
that fills the space between those ivory keys? <<< RRelates, to the harp and organ.

Here for me, the spiral staircase of a written score etc.

Well defined poetry. Once, the clue, the understanding.



She drew a line, from her legacy
to the cluster of Pleaides, seven sisters
intertwined in her delicate hands,
yet independent, like the sturdy legs
under her grand piano, when she played <<< She had a grand piano! No matter, a stairway to the stars.

bop that transfigured the tear drops of Shiva
into falling grains of sand.
While He beated the celestial drum, encircled in fire--
the other who has risen through divinity
around the cleansing scirocco of tenor saxophone,

into the mythology of jazz. <<< I take tear drops to be the tinkling of notes. I read she was the forefront of modern music.

Well, members have to take time do a bit of investigation here, then, come back with full knowledge and understanding of your poetry.


Once again, mate.

A wonderful poem, with an imbroglio of words that can only be appreciated by the knowledge of the character.


You write neat poetry, I bet ya cook a mean steak.

John

[azurepoetry]

Hello John,

Cook a mean steak? i do work in a steakhouse.....


Good to read your thoughts again, sir. Yes, it would help to know who Alice Coltrane is; perhaps, i should attach a link to her website (www.alicecoltrane.com)? The last wife of the great tenor saxophonist: John Coltrane; Alice was both a pianist and a harp player. She played in John's band before his death and continued on forming her own groups. She converted at some point in time to Hinduism and her music has been influenced by both her spirituality, experimentation and those latter bop years. i personally would describe her work as ethereal, (and very good), but that's just me.
Hope that helps anyone else reading.

Thank you for taking the time to read this; i appreciate it.
~tim

[AMETHYST]

Hey Tim,

I just finished reading this for the 3rd time, and although I love so many of your lines and images, I cannot offer a benefcial crit without learning a little bit about Alice Coltrane. So I've printed this out and will find some on line learning at hand then come back with a proper critique.

However, there is some magnificent references here that without knowing the subject, and weighing out the the considerations on the poetic values... this is a wonderful poem. It helps to understand some of the references as they relate to the subject and so I think once I get an idea of her work, I will better enjoy and appreciate the work in this...

Big hugs, will be back quicker than quick!
Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Tim,

I'm back. I know, took me a bit, but that was because my family has no respect for poetry and tend to limit my alone time, let alone online time! LOL I also have been reading up on Alice Coltrane at Alice Coltrane Official Web Site and Alice Coltrane

I enjoy learning about her, I didn't get a chance to hear her music but I plan on it as I read about it is sounds as something I would really like.

Now to your poem. It is a very strong tribute to Alice Coltrane-what I think I liked best about this was it about the things she was made of and not just her. Tributes to her talents and musical magic, as well as her religious devotion. Some inline thoughts and comments to follow -

Big hugs, and thanks for introducing me to Alice Coltrane, and her music!

Liz

Tuned to the burning stars within our cosmos,
she touched the harp, releasing
souvenirs plucked like musical notes
from collections of journeys beyond her inner ear.

L1, has a ver strong opening, grasping the readers interest through image and sound. The immediate off rhyme of between 'tuned/burning/ I have to admit the first few times I read this I kept reading turned to the burning stars ... :) It made more sense when I finally caught it was tuned ... lol old age creeping in and the eyes are on their way out! I think the direction of combining her strength in religious beliefs, captured with the reference of the cosmos and stars representing heavens birthing her musical wonders was a perfect depiction of the collaboration for her success. In L2, I felt touched, might be better served with 'strummed,' handled, or held' and the word souvenirs, felt out of place, perhaps momentos plucked like musical notes - I also keep thinking of the word paragon, perhaps for line 4,

Tuned to the burning stars within our cosmos
she held the harp, releasing momentos
plucked, like musical notes; collections
paragon of journeys beyond her inner ear.

How can I chart the depth of dripping candles,
measure a spiral staircase on graph paper,
or calculate the dimensions of a black hole
that fills the space between those ivory keys?

This stanza is wholesome, profound in an accumulative way-there is a dramatic sense between the images-the connections of intwined atmosphere and her music is done wonderfully. In L2, perhaps 'this spiral staircase..." to make it more specified and her connection is more a focal point.Perhaps omitting the 'the' between calculate and dimensions in L3.
Lovely images that emphasize the extent of how we cannot measure her talents and how it fills the universe with unseen blessings. That is how I read this anyway...


She drew a line, from her legacy
to the cluster of Pleaides, seven sisters
intertwined in her delicate hands,
yet independent, like the sturdy legs
under her grand piano, when she played

I love the compareson and symbol of the grand piano legs - bringing in her other musical talents, while still connecting the rejoicing of her music to the heavens. Not a nit here... Loved the imagery.



bop that transfigured the tear drops of Shiva
into falling grains of sand.
While He beated the celestial drum, encircled in fire--
the other who has risen through divinity
around the cleansing scirocco of tenor saxophone,

into the mythology of jazz.


I might suggest for L3,
'As He thrummed the celestial drum, encircled in fire --
while the other had risen through divinity


other than that... this is a very strong and full tribute to the inner spirit and musical talents of someone who seems quite worthy of tribute. After reading this poem, it really provoked me to want to learn more about her and hear her works. That said, the poem surely has value and does what it is supposed to do... spark our own spirit! Good word working Tim...

[azurepoetry]

Liz,

omg. That's an amazing crit. You've got me thinking a lot.
In no particular order: i will rewrite and carefully play with S2, those suggestions are great...in fact all of your suggestions are great.
S1, i see the where mementos would work sonically (even if kept in the same place as 'souvenirs') with musical notes and cosmos. Paragon i will have to think on...i see where you're going with that...hmmm.

S4, the problem with 'thrummed' is that while it adds to the off-rhyme of drum, thrummed is more listless and monotonous in feeling. This specific reference is to Shiva himself. In some of the statutes (or statuettes), Shiva is depicted encircled in a ring of fire--denoting the edge of existance as we know it...i think--and in one of his many hands, he is beating a drum-rattle. The drum-rattle is constant (somewhat monotonous) keeping of time. Drumming each moment out in perfect rhythm. i don't like the association of listless here. Now you can see the interconnection with scirocco and John Coltrane (who when he got off heroine after Charlie Parker's death, rediscovered God and his music turned to that arena of exploration and devotion). Jazz can certainly be lazy and meloncholy, but neither Coltrane's in the years that followed their connection to the spiritworld would be defined as such. i do hope that wasn't too much; i respect what you gave in that stanza and i will think on adding "while" to that line.

i am very glad you enjoyed your visit into her site. i hope her family does get the last album she was working on out. With regards to her music, there are some songs where she will play piano that sound very bop-oriented with a little etherealness added and i find myself waiting for John to come in on sax and go to work. There are other pieces that just take the reader meditatively into the outer and inner cosmos. She was amazing on both the instruments and she has renewed my interest in harp performance. Okay, enough about this.....

Thank you so much for coming back. i don't care about time length in-between, this an on-line workshop, not homework (per se). i appreciate the fine-tuning and i will have to play with it and see where it takes me.

Hugs back,
~tim

[AMETHYST]

Liz,

omg. That's an amazing crit. You've got me thinking a lot.
In no particular order: i will rewrite and carefully play with S2, those suggestions are great...in fact all of your suggestions are great.
S1, i see the where mementos would work sonically (even if kept in the same place as 'souvenirs') with musical notes and cosmos. Paragon i will have to think on...i see where you're going with that...hmmm.

Actually Tim, so much you've presented in your response to me make me rethink some of my thoughts and gives me other directions. This poem is a lot more than I had imagined. I was unsure if paragon was inline with your intent, but I am glad you can see what I was referring to. The word mementos works sonically, but after further considering the image on a whole, souvenirs, just might be the word necessary. Another word that I am not sure will work to your advantage but wanted to leave it for your consideration was 'remembrancer' which has a full dual meaning -

Remembrancer

1.a person who reminds another of something. 2.a person engaged to do this. 3.a reminder; memento; souvenir
It might serve the dual purpose of showing the remembrance of Shiva as well as specific gifts given, such as talents and songs that come from the devotion of her religion. Not sure but I thought it would enhance and broaden the scope of meaning.

ce as we know it...i think--and in one of his many hands, he is beating a drum-rattle. The drum-rattle is constant (somewhat monotonous) keeping of time. Drumming each moment out in perfect rhythm. i don't like the association of listless here.

Would you have any links that you would suggest to read more on Shiva? True, I was going for the thumping of one's fingers in no specific rhythm - and the rhyme between drum/thrum ... I would agree, listless doesn't do justice to the meaning of the beating of the drum, I found it intriquing to learn about the drumming of time. I will return and give a longer look at that with this new information in mind.

rediscovered God and his music turned to that arena of exploration and devotion). Jazz can certainly be lazy and meloncholy, but neither Coltrane's in the years that followed their connection to the spiritworld would be defined as such. i do hope that wasn't too much; i respect what you gave in that stanza and i will think on adding "while" to that line.

No, more information is never too much-Our shared purpose is to accompany you on your journey to write this poem and have it shine, with the passions that you feel: It is your knowledge that I want to keep in mind when making offers and thoughts to improve it and the best way I can do that is learn and know more about what the poem needs to bring to light. Especially when it is a tribute poem and is referencing important information about beliefs and life changes and treasures left us to become inspired by its beauty and meaning.

i am very glad you enjoyed your visit into her site. i hope her family does get the last album she was working on out. With regards to her music, there are some songs where she will play piano that sound very bop-oriented with a little etherealness added and i find myself waiting for John to come in on sax and go to work. There are other pieces that just take the reader meditatively into the outer and inner cosmos. She was amazing on both the instruments and she has renewed my interest in harp performance. Okay, enough about this.....

I've been looking around for a link to hear her music. I found something called Strings Of Coltrane voyage 2 satchidananda I have it playing right now, it is beautiful. I suppose it is just a small taste of the talents both John and Alice has created.

Thank you so much for coming back. i don't care about time length in-between, this an on-line workshop, not homework (per se). i appreciate the fine-tuning and i will have to play with it and see where it takes me.

Actually I am getting more out of this critque than you are LOL ...

Hugs, Liz

[azurepoetry]

Liz,

Yeah, the sound quality sounds lower in quality, but this is a band covering the song...which explains a lot. i do like the harp player's skill; she's pretty good...ahhh, but Alice.....

This is more of the free jazz feel that doesn't seem to sound like her earlier work...in fact, i'm not even sure what album "Jazz Anthem" is (that is mentioned as where the cover originated from), nor do i know where it exists in her discography. There are a few compliations out there that are not listed under any discography for her that i can find.
If you do buy, start with earlier work that has Pharoah Sanders on sax/flute/etc. he worked with both John and Alice and thus, understood where she was coming from and supported her in the earlier albums.

Regarding the statue(tte) i was speaking off, i was talking about Shiva's dance. You can go to this shop here: http://www.exoticindiaart.com/article/nataraja. This is an article explaining the origins of the dance and it is the image i held in mind while i created the poem. i hope this has been of further help.

~tim

[Guest_Rayn_*]

The language in the piece is gorgeous; I was envious of your talent from the first stanza. While familiarity with the life and works of Alice Coltrane might enhance the reading experience, I found that I was able to follow your ideas quite successfully despite my ignorance. I really felt both the technical and creative aspects of music reflected in the content. The personal and global characters of music are also apparent, and you blend them in a very satisfying point and counterpoint throughout. On a strictly superficial note, I was confused in two areas: the comma following "She drew a line" seems to me superfluous, and the use of "beated" instead of "beat" in the penultimate stanza feels somewhat awkward. In fact, that entire final sentance, taken as a sentance, doesn't seem complete. I could make a few suggestions to rectify that, but I think you will know what to do with it better than I; you've clearly chosen every idea, every word, with great care.

[azurepoetry]

Greetings Rayn,

i thank you for your time in reading this and your concern over the last sentence was a worry of mine. It seemed off...or more likely, it offered an incomplete thought. i tweaked that sentence and feel (a little) better about it. "Beat" was the word i overlooked.

For me, never be afraid to state your mind. If something leaps out at you, while reading my poetry, then by all means please give me your thoughts. Workshopping is what this is here for.


Your eye has been most helpful; i will return the favour,
~tim/azurepoetry

[Guest_Rayn_*]

Let the record show you asked for it.

The revision was small, but it made a big improvement in the clarity of the thought. My only remaining nits are punctuational; I would alter as follows, if it were me.

She drew a line, from her legacy
to the cluster of Pleaides -- seven sisters <--- I got weighed down in the commas in this stanza. I assume that the thought is "she drew a line... when she played", and everything else is elaboration. It could also be read as "she drew a line from her legacy" and "like ... her... piano when she played", in which case you can drop a couple commas. If your intent is the first interpretation, maybe you could use dashes to help keep progression through the sentance smooth.
intertwined in her delicate hands,
yet independent, like the sturdy legs
under her grand piano, when she played.

Bop transfigured the tear drops of Shiva <--- The 'while' still renders that last sentance a fragment unless you connect it to these lines structurally as well as conceptually. My solution is to make the start of this stanza a new sentance.
into falling grains of sand
while He beat the celestial drum encircled in fire--
for the other who rose through divinity
around his cleansing scirocco of tenor saxophone,

into the mythology of jazz.

I had to do this quickly, I hope it makes sense.

[azurepoetry]

Rayn,

Done and done...and yes, i did ask for it. Thanks.

~tim

[Guest_Rayn_*]

Perfect. :)

[Eisa]

Hi Tim

I read this earlier and didn't have time to give it my full attention -- and now it's all been done and I have nothing to add but praise!

Your revision and later tweaks have worked this to perfection and it is a worthy nomination for IBPC -- good luck with it!

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hey Tim,

The revisions are very subtle, slight infact, I actually noticed only one that really jumped out and really made a great difference. "Encircled in fire .... " Absolutely perfect! I should have thought of that myself! It helps also to fully invision the statue, especially that many of us at one time or another has seen the image and would be able to immediately paint the image in my mind.

This really is a fresh and unique poem that uses words to draw upon the depth of anothers life, and connection to all events that led them together, to their spirituality and what they shared with their world around them.

Will continue to keep my eyes peeled for any further changes. Big, Big hugs, Liz ...

[azurepoetry]

Thanks again Rayn, you've hit the nails into my head..er, on the head. i am indebt to your opinions, they really helped tighten this work. i hope i can be of the same assistance in the future. :)

Snow,
At the risk of sounding too vain, i hope this does make it to the competition; i would love to see if this piece can stack up. With the fine help i've received, this poem has become my favourite so far (though some are close behind....). A chance at yardsticking my work. i do appreciate the praise.


Liz,
Unless someone else comes along with solid proof, i don't forsee any changes after this. i am pleased with it and will consider it fin. Thanks for the help, nomination and watchful eye.

~tim

[Arnfinn]

[quote name='azurepoetry' date='Feb 9 07, 08:22 ' post='91178']
Transcendence in Alice's House --First Revision

“...the Arts transcend limited social boundaries like class, race, and nationality.”
– Turiyasangitananda (a.k.a. Alice Coltrane, in memorandum)

[color="#3333FF"]Hi, I'm back again.

The poetic eloquence of your first stanza is superb. I haven't changed my opinion from whence I first read it.



Tuned to the burning stars within our cosmos,
she touched the harp, releasing
souvenirs plucked like musical notes
from collections of journeys beyond her inner ear. <<< This last line is a fine accompaniment, and quaint, in the relationship to your opening line.

How can I chart the depth of dripping candles, <<< great line
measure a spiral staircase on graph paper, <<< great line
or calculate the dimensions of a black hole
that fills the space between those ivory keys? <<< Mate is it HOLE! More liks a 'space' filling the space. Dussn't matter though, your keepin the cosmos alive. MMmm ... Sometimes I dooo miss the point.

She drew a line from her legacy
to the cluster of Pleaides--seven sisters
intertwined in her delicate hands,
yet independent like the sturdy legs
under her grand piano, when she played <<< Poetry well done. You use originality in your lines, a good example for others to follow.

bop that transfigured the tear drops of Shiva
into falling grains of sand.
Encircled in fire, He beat the celestial drum
for the other who rose through divinity
around the cleansing scirocco of tenor saxophone,

into the mythology of jazz.


The last verse flows better, mate.

Well written Tim.

This is how poetry should be written. Written with imagination, with a grasping words here and there to present to the reader a wonderful graphical mindscape. Not 'cascading teardops' or worn ou hackneyed stuff. 'bop that transfigured the tear drops of Shiva'. This is the good stuff we all should strive to emulate.




Can't say much more, mate.

Cept ya cook a mean steak.


John

[azurepoetry]

John,

i'm speechless. That is overly kind. Thank you.

~tim

P.S.:(sometime if you end up in Minnesota, let me know and i'll bring you to my work...they cook a mean steak....)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Tim.

Sorry I'm late to the party! I am thrilled by this poem, its message, the rhythms and the unique word choices you've employed along with the structure. This 'sings' and is certainly worthy of a larger audience and I applaud your nomination to the IBPC and wish you luck!

I'm away at present, but wanted to say I find your revision in punctuation well placed. I've a question on 'tear drops of Shiva' - shouldn't it be teardrops?

Tuned to the burning stars within our cosmos,
she touched the harp, releasing
souvenirs plucked like musical notes
from collections of journeys beyond her inner ear.
This is a lovely opening, very visual. I can see souvenirs as the shining stars and also as the melody of song.

How can I chart the depth of dripping candles,
measure a spiral staircase on graph paper,
or calculate the dimensions of a black hole
that fills the space between those ivory keys?
Excellent - continuing the visual quest (love dripping candles, spiral staircase and the tie in to the cosmos with black hole) and the introducing of the 'piano' here.

She drew a line from her legacy
to the cluster of Pleaides--seven sisters
intertwined in her delicate hands,
yet independent like the sturdy legs
under her grand piano, when she played
Sturdy is the only word here that I think could be improved upon. Perhaps 'sprightly' for its dual meaning of 'sturdy' and 'playful' to tie to the sisters?

bop that transfigured the tear drops of Shiva (teardrops)
into {falling} [collapsing] grains of sand.
Encircled in fire, He beat the celestial drum
for the other who rose through divinity
around the cleansing scirocco of tenor saxophone,

into the mythology of jazz.

Lovely Tim!
~Cleo

[azurepoetry]

Hi Cleo,

A pleasure to read your response...one made while you are vacation....does that actually constitute as vacation?

Teardrops is correct. i've put those words into the compound word it should be.

Re: Sprightly. i've never heard it used to describe sturdy, just lively. Besides, i was looking for a heavier, clunkier word like 'sturdy' to ground out the line. The point? i wanted to show her earlier connection to astral flight in her music and head (inner ear = seat of balance), while counterpointing sturdy, grounded legs to allude to an overall feeling of a bodhisattva (one illuminated, but denies the complete illumination to stay here and pass on wisdom and beauty).

Forgive my over explainations...i think by now you know how i go on...

Slow down and enjoy your va-ca. Thanks again,
~tim