Calling all writers of the Mosaic!
The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JANUARY.
Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.
The award:
*Laurel Wreath
*Graphic provided by
http://www.ladydorothea125.net/CelticCastleDesigns.html
The details:
Nominations will be taken through Fenruary 10th, 2007.
Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations
Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.
Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!
~ Mosaic Musings Staff
I'd like to nominate AMETHYST for COM in January.
My examples to follow...
In the poem, "Spirit Fox" posted in Herme's, Liz wrote:
Hi Whitney,
First I wanted to say there were a couple of words that I wasn't familiar with and I learned something I might be able to use in my future poetry! So thank you! ...
The story does become a bit confusing with the archaic language. I often like archaic language when it is done sparingly and seems to flow smoothly with the images. In your wonderful story of a magical world, and the tragedy that had fallen upon it. (this was my interpretation) The images are marvelously enchanting, but they lose their grace and power when the reader has to stop and contemplate the awkwardness of the 'thee, thou's etc... '
Some instanza comments and suggestions. I hope something might be helpful and please remember that these are only thoughts and you can either use what might be in line with your intention or disregard them. I think this has 'GREAT" potential and only needs to be drawn out clearer for the reader to spend more time enjoying the imagery and movement, rather than rereading to make it fit.
Another thought I wanted to leave you and will offer some suggestions to tighten up your lines and meter. With Rhyme I always feel that rhythm, go hand in hand!
Best Wishes, Liz
(Lovely Work)
And thou, flame pelted dryad of hill and fern
Stalk through emerald shades as a specter forlorn.
Thou, slight ash marked death bearer, others cannot discern
L1: the image is awesome. I also didn't know the meaning of 'fay' and found it a thrilling and most inticing word. I have several poems that could make great use of the word and I thank you for introducing it to us. The image comes through as... the full moon enters the night sky, and little elves and pixies awaken and their world comes to life while ours is a sleep. This is how I read this. Perhaps...
As full moon rises, silver fay worlds are reborn (making 12 syllables)
or
Full moon ascends, a silver fay world ... reborn (making 10 syllables)
In L2, the 'And thou... ' really does break the image and too quickly, jarring the reader from the image set in their minds eye.
L3, is 'stalk' the word that you really mean? ... Perhaps I am not getting the intent of the image, and/or the phrase 'specter forlorn'
L4, Again, I would lose the 'thou'
Blood on snow kissed chin, yet not in razored mind
Hunger slacked with Diana's hard earned blessing.
Ignorants name thee vermin, for they know not your kind
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.
S2L1, This image, although very powerful and strong seems to conflict with the images of S1, has S2, taken us from the emerald greenery, hills and ferns-into a wintry place? In L2, the introduction of "Diana" I think is too vague. It made me stop to wonder if this poem is about a Well known Myth, that I don't know, perhaps the Greek Mythology, in which case, I wouldn't know the story and her name appearence interupts the read. Leaving me wondering what part does she have and how has she caused this hunger
Lusting after thee's burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed.
Yet it is for nie, thou bright eyes match their violent cur
They not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead
L1, 'thee' isn't the right use here, if you choose to keep the archaic language, perhaps 'thy ... burning fur' I love the use of 'cur' ...
And thou restless specter, are blessed
Go where thee might
For only the moon light's sacred
Know the secrets of the night
Excellent ending. I would only suggest changing the 'thee in L2.
and in Don's "Shadows Know", in Herme's, there ar actually several exchanges in there:
Hi Don, I am glad you brought this one up with revision. I hadn't a chance to read it before and enjoyed the subject and how you've brought shadows to life, giving shadows some personalification. Allowing the idea of shadows to reflect our inner selves (this was my interpretation) that the wonderment of shadows revealing hidden secrets of ourselves and we might change them, as we might mask our true intentions and our true qualities, but our shadow eventually reveals the truth... 'what lurks in shadows... :)
Some thoughts to follow, there not much left if anything important to nit about but I will see what I can do...
Hugs, Liz
to head where secret data stores reside.
On placid pond, the ripples roll on cue
and ponder what our silent shadow shows.
I liked the concept of showing how our shadows begin from foot and works outward toward the head, I never really acknowledge that, but as I read that line I imagined a shadow and it does. I felt the word 'data' was sort of robotic. I interpretted to mean the hidden information that we keep from sight... I'll be back to that, please let me know what your meaning is with using 'data stores..' The remaining image is wonderful. I like the alliteration and the rhythm, as well as the image of our shadows quietly shifting over a pond and the pond debating our shadows existence.
What does it know about the sunshine laws
to veil a dark concern in stoic shade?
Why does it hold its ground despite the flaws
of how perverse we play our poker hands?
L2, perhaps ... of stoic shade? ... The use of 'poker hands' emphasis the idea of hidding/masking ourselves, our intentions, our motivations and true character... Nice simili
Illusions often counter what they seem:
as starlight twinkle caused by earthen air,
or gleam for gold is panned from dreamer’s stream,
and coup of tortoise shell in bunny’s race.
L3, perhaps when panned from dreamer's stream,
The wiggle-squiggle’s fun for us to watch,
when shadows fit the forms of conclusions.
Our shadow shapes maintain a constant swatch
while we re-form to embrace delusions.
I keep wanting to say 'The wiggly-squiggly's fun for us to watch.
I know I didn't leave much, but I hope something I left helps. This is pretty much shined and trimmed, and ready for completion.
Hugs, Liz
and then another in response to Don's reply:
Extending noms through Feb 10th
I second the nomination for Amethyst! She gives such in-depth and detailed crits that I've been paying more attention to what she picks up on so I can learn to give better crits.
Cathy
Thanks Cathy and Snow
Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com)
© Invision Power Services (http://www.invisionpower.com)