Afterlife * tweaked 2X, S/Q Sonnet from August Options

[Larry]

Afterlife

A winter’s snow… one faded memory
of frozen flowers blackened by the blow
of icy hand. The buzz of honey bee,
one faded memory a winter’s snow

cannot erase. Its sound, on spring’s sweet breath,
brings joy to every dew bedazzled face
of blooms along the road. New life from death
on spring’s sweet breath. Its sound cannot erase

the chaos felt as seasons changed. We searched
emotions but like winter’s snow, they melt
and dissipate beyond our reach, besmirched
as seasons changed. We searched the chaos felt

until our soul is bourn aloft. We feel!
We feel our soul is bourn aloft until…


S1/L1&L4 did read: The winter’s snow
S2/L1&L4 did read: The sound, on spring’s sweet breath
S3/L3 did read: or fly away beyond our reach

Thanks Lori

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

I love these SQ sonnets! I am still thinking on a more detailed crit but wanted to pass an observation on at this first reading.
Could you replace the word "the" in lines 1 and 4 of each stanza? For example (to illustrate) in S1 maybe change The winter's snow to Harsh winter's snow?

cannot erase. The sound, on spring’s sweet breath,
brings joy to every dew bedazzled face
of blooms along the road. New life from death
on spring’s sweet breath. The sound cannot erase

maybe change to Sun's instead of 'the' to read as:

cannot erase. Sun's sound, on spring’s sweet breath,
brings joy to every dew bedazzled face
of blooms along the road. New life from death
on spring’s sweet breath. Sun's sound cannot erase

Be back again soon!
~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi Lori,

Thanks for stopping in for a read and a crit. Let me address your suggestion. In the first stanza, "The" is a definite article and in its position is iambically necessary to maintain the rhythm. The only substitute for that start would be ("A" winters snow) in order for it to work on the swap in the fourth line.

In the second stanza, I am referring to the sound of the honey bee being carried on the wind to the flowers by the road. You may have misread my meaning and that is the reason you suggested using a possessive "Sun's" to replace "The". I think if I were to use a possessive "Its", that might work in both the first line and the swap line.

Whaddaya think?

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

Oh yes! I see it now! I do think changing S1's "the" to "A" winter's snow would appeal more (to me anyway), lol!
And absolutely - Its sound, on spring's sweet breath.

Why not give it a go?
Cheers Larry!
~Cleo

[Larry]

Okay Lori,

It has now been tweaked and after a couple of reads, it is better! Thanks for the help.

Does it need more????

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry!

Oh yes, I think S1 & S2 are very good! Now, for the rest:

the chaos felt as seasons changed. We searched
emotions but like winter’s snow, they melt
or fly away beyond our reach, besmirched
as seasons changed. We searched the chaos felt

I wonder if you could replace 'winter's snow' above so as not to repeat those words? Perhaps something like 'Jack Frost's kiss (not IP though OR 'blizzard's breath (or kiss)? Then something else for 'fly away' - maybe dissapate?

the chaos felt as seasons changed. We searched
emotions but like blizzard's breath, they melt
or dissapate beyond our reach, besmirched
as seasons changed. We searched the chaos felt

until our soul is bourn aloft. We feel!
We feel our soul is bourn aloft until…

I don't view "feel" rhyming with "until" in your closing couplet. Could you take another looksie there?
Cheers,
~Cleo

[Larry]

Hello again Lori,

"Winter's snow" in S3 is used to reiterate and emphasize the premise of the first line of the poem in that "A winter's snow" like emotions are merely ephemeral events which melt or fly away as seasons (or circumstances) change.

I do like the suggestion of "dissipate" replacing "fly away" and shall use that but I'm afraid I'll have to keep the dual usage of "winter's snow" in the piece. Besides, a "blizzard's breath" would not be easily forgotten and the weather event isn't the subject of the poem.

The constant search for logical meaning in all the changes we experience throughout life as we strive to understand those changes. The seemingly inconsequential events which stay with us like the sound of a honeybee buzzing from flower to flower and fully understanding why something so insignificant is really so important. This is order out of chaos and continued life from death and the final thought of "does this extend to us as well?".

As far as the final rhymes, "we feel" and "until" are what Espy considers to be a perfect rhyming iambic foot. Sorry if it doesn't work for you.

Larry

[Keith Logan]

Hi Larry,

An interesting read and within the strictures imposed by the form, I can't make any sensible suggestions. So well done.

Keith, the happy chappy

[Larry]

Hello Keith,

Welcome (or welcome back) to MM and thanks for stopping by for a read. I don't remember you but, I've only been here for a little over 7 years.

Looking forward to reading some of your posts.

Larry