Realities.. final version, sonnet Options

[heartsong7]

final version:

He traveled through a tunnel to the light;
enveloped by it, sensing no alarm,
enraptured and without a will to fight
for earthly life, he drifted safe and warm.
A silhouette appeared against the glow,
an apparition reaching out to wave
and beckon “Follow me, it's time to go.”

He turned and saw the children mark his grave;
saw little Billy sobbing uncontrolled;
saw Michael, standing stoic-faced and strong,
support their keening mom who, unconsoled,
despaired at how they'd ever get along
without the man whom all adored. He knew
they would and whispered, "Love will see you through."




revised x2

Realities...revised version

He traveled through a tunnel to the light;
enveloped by it, sensing no alarm,
enraptured and without the will to fight
for earthly life, he drifted safe and warm.
He saw a silhouette against the glow,
an apparition reaching out to wave
and beckon “Come, it's time for you to go.”

He turned and saw his children mark his grave.
His youngest son was sobbing uncontrolled.
The older boy stood stoic, acting strong,
while holding Mom, who could not be consoled
and wondering at how they’d get along
without the man they all adored. He knew
they would and whispered, "Love will see you through."




Realities...revised version

He traveled through a tunnel to the light;
enveloped by it, sensing no alarm,
enraptured, lacking any will to fight
the bliss of it and free of fear from harm.
He saw a silhouette against the glow,
an apparition reaching out to wave
and beckon “Come, it's time for you to go.”

He turned and saw his children mark his grave.
His youngest son was sobbing uncontrolled.
The older boy stood stoic, acting strong,
while holding Mom who could not be consoled
and wondering at how they’d get along
without the man they all adored. He knew
they would for love endures to see them through.

original:

He traveled through a tunnel to the light;
enveloped by it, sensing no alarm.
Surprisingly, he had no will to fight
aware, somehow, he wouldn’t meet with harm.

He saw a figure in the distant glow,
an apparition reaching out to wave
and beckon “Have no fear, you may let go”
He turned and saw his children at his grave.
His youngest son was sobbing uncontrolled.
The older boy stood stoic, acting strong,
while holding Mom who could not be consoled
and wondering at how they’d get along
without the man they all adored so much.
Then angels freed him with their healing touch.

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Sue...

I cannot comment much at this time, but this is a stark but comforting look at a reality I've had in mind for a while now. I ain't gettin' younger, and I've thought about seeing my own children and grandchildren at my grave like this... but happy that they're all quite able to get along well without my being there. I'm thankful for that... and feel freed...

but I ain't ready to go just yet.

I'll be back, ^{Lord willing,} with further Light, Daniel

[Merlin]

Marvelous, Sue.
Punctuation needs a 2nd look. The fact that your first 3 sentences begin with "He (verb)" is a minor irritant, and might be amended. I'm aware that "envelope" is a regional thingy, so your take is prob right, while mine bounces a bit. Would "encompass - surround - etc" work?

Like JD, I'm not packed.

Merlin

ps - I just saw this somewhere - where?

[heartsong7]

Daniel and Merlin...
Thank you, gentleman, for taking the time to check this out. It's one of my earliest sonnet attempts. It has a very particular significance for one of my friends, so I thought I'd see if I could polish it up a bit.
Daniel, I'm glad you recognize the intent of the message and I look foward to your return with some of your helpful nudglings. I'm not at all fond of the last 2 lines and will post an alternate shortly.

Merlin, I say en VEL ope when it's a verb, for the noun it's EN ve LOPE
encompass would work, but somehow doesn't have the same impact for me.
I'll think on it.

I just saw this somewhere - where?

hmmm, I don't know unless you've been poking around the archives at SC or Quills. I can't remeber if I posted it at PP.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the revision I'm about to post. I want it to read as something that might suit many beliefs. Whether one feels that the near death experience is spiritual or not, it's real. I think the angel at the end may be OTT, though.

see y'all
Sue

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Marm...

This is even lovelier. I just have a few passing thoughts for the mere pleasure of nudging... but not as suggestions, necessarily:

He traveled through a tunnel to the light;
enveloped by it, sensing no alarm,
enraptured, lacking any will to fight
the bliss of it[,] and freed of fearing from harm.
He saw a silhouette against the glow,
an apparition reaching out to wave
and beckon “Come, it's time for you to go.”
[ I like the directness in this change... and the line break too. ]

He turned and saw his children mark his grave.
His youngest son was sobbing uncontrolled.
The older boy stood stoic, acting strong,
while holding Mom[,] who could not be consoled[,]
and wondering at how they’d get along
without the man they all adored. He knew
they would for such love as this endures... would to see them through.

deLighting in the walk-through with you, Daniel

[heartsong7]

Some fine nudglings there, Daniel.
I'm having another look at the fear of harm line and thinking it's not quite what I want to say. More revisions coming up and with a new final line.
Thank you for staying with this.
Sue

[Judi]

Sue, I did not get here in time to comment on the original, but I have to say I like your revision much more than the original (which I also liked) Do you watch Ghost Whisperer? LOL..Judi

[Merlin]

Yer right, it was whey back. Funny, when I read it, things came back in recall mode.
I remember discussing the velop - de or en, and it is a proper verb, so stay with it.

Haven't reread, but will do so anon.

Merlin

[Mary Boren]

Lovely, Sue. I don't recall ever seeing it before. I like the way you've divided the stanzas -- there's something especially fitting about 7/7, the number of completion, for this theme. I like the conclusion better in your first revision. You'll probably continue to tweak with an eye toward the abundance of he's and his's. I know it's hard to avoid 'em, but you can do it. Also, there are a couple of redundancies you may have overlooked:
S1/L7, beckon & come
S2/L3, stoic & strong.

the bliss of it and free of fear from harm.

Too many small words catching a free ride in this line. There has to be a better way of expressing this. Otherwise, I'd prefer the original version.

Good luck with this. It's worth the work.

Mary

[heartsong7]

Thank you, Judi. No I don't watch "Ghost Whisperer". This poem was inspired by an actual event. My uncle was at home with Hospice while dying of cancer. At one point, he appeared to have passed away but came to, sat up and very clearly described what he had experienced. Then he called his son to his side and said "Look Mike, there's angels in the room." Mike held his hand and said "It's ok Daddy. You can go now." and he did.
It was on of the most moving events I have ever witnessed. That's why I say with such confidence, whatever the explanation the experience is real.
Sue

Thanks for coming back to this, merlin. I'm still revising and intent on getting it to work by tomorrow when I will present it.
S


Oh good, Mary. I'm glad you got the 7/7 allusion.
Yes, I'm working to reduce the pronouns and have done somewhat in the latest version.
I agree about the beckon/ come redundancy... but not sure about stoic/strong.
I intend to convey that he is stoic (showing calm under suffering) in his manner and physically strong as he holds his mother. I'm thinking it should be stoically though.
The latest version has changed the fear of harm line.
I know I shouldn't be rushing through this, but I need a satisfactory version by tomorrow... no time for mulling.
Thank you for the sharing your insight.
Sue

[JustDaniel]

In light of your description of the event, but also keeping in mind the universal appeal you're after, may I nudge a little more?

He traveled through a tunnel to the light;
enveloped by it, sensing no alarm,
enraptured and without the a will to fight
for earthly life, he drifted safe and warm.
A silouette appeared against the glow,
an apparition reaching out to wave
and beckon “Follow me, it's time to go.”
[ I have a time-lag in responding, so you changed this line before I got here, and you may leave before you see this, but I'll offer it anyhow: ]
or
him in... then, "Dad, it's fine for you to go."

sLightly delayed, Daniel

[Judi]

Sue, I don't think there is anything offensive in it...I truly belive in spirits..(I didn't used to ) but my first husband and I purchased an old farmhouse and began extensive remodeling and stirred up a hornets nest of ghosts...it was really scary...we would go out, and when we would come home, every burner on our electric stove would be on high, and we had just had the whole house rewired, plus had to have approval by the local public service co. We had the electrician check the wiring AND we had a Sears man out to check our new range and there was NOTHING wrong with anything...I was so afraid we would have a fire....things would disappear and I would never find them again...and we sold the house and the new people knew nothing about our problems and came to me later and asked if I had seen the ghosts, and I knew for SURE..she sold the house several years later, and the NEW buyers also had bigtime problems..I am truly a believer.

[heartsong7]

That's an interesting idea, Daniel, to inject the son's voice into the experience, however my intent is that it's the apparition telling him it's time to go. Relating it as you suggest might give the impression that it's just a dream... You know like when something said while you're sleeping gets incorporated into your dream. I don't want the experience to be construed as a dream.
I always appreciate your nudges. You make me think about why I've taken a specific route and where I want to go with it.
I'll take the "a" instead of "the".
Still working on this but I think I'm about satisfied.
Thank you, muchly.
Sue

[JustDaniel]

... and it's always good to interact with you, Sue, despite the time-warp. I genuinely appreciate your patience with your own writing. Wrestling with mine can get me downright exasperated sometimes, and I have found myself simply avoiding it!

Lightly, Daniel

[Mary Boren]

It works, Sue -- simply elegant. Congrats on an outstanding, and quick, job of fine-tuning. Re: stoic/strong, I stand corrected. My connotation was a little off.

Your description of the scene around your uncle gave me holy chill bumps. A few years ago my beloved friend, Camilla, lay in a coma for weeks, and I spent many an hour by her side. She was so pure; there was absolutely no doubt in the mind of anyone who entered the room that she was surrounded by angels. You could almost see her negotiating with them. I believe she was ready, even eager, to follow, but was waiting until her four children all came to terms with letting her go, each in their own time and way.

Thanks for this.

Love,

Mary

P. S. S1/L5, silhouette. You spelled it right in earlier versions.

[heartsong7]

Judi...
That's quite a scary tale alright! Who wouldn't believe after such an experience?
In this case, though, I want to emphasize that the poem is not about ghosts; it's about a near death experience in which the apparition is seen as a loving, all knowing, all embracing entity (usually an angel, Jesus or Mary or sometimes, a loved one who has gone before ) there as a guide, not a ghost.
I only removed the angel to maintain a more universal appeal, not because I thought it would be viewed as offensive.
Thank you for stopping by to share your story.
Sue

[heartsong7]

It works, Sue -- simply elegant

yay! that's music to my ears.
Thank you for sticking with it and sharing your expertise.
I'm glad you caught the missing "h". I was typing too fast and not proofing.
I'd better do that before I call it a night.
I wonder, when your friend, Camilla finally let go, did anyone see a kind of aura leave her body?
When my Uncle Carroll passed over, we saw a mist of light rise from his chest area,(solar plexus?) and he had the most amazing look of serenity on his face. I've never been able to put it into words or how it made me feel, but since then, I have had no fear of dying.
When my mother died, she had been in a coma for 2 days, technically brain-dead and kept alive with life support until all the kids could get there. We went in to say good-bye, but weren't allowed to stay when the machines were disconnected. Now, I wish we had insisted on being there. I had no idea then what we may have missed.

Thank you for sharing your story. It reinforces what I've come to truly believe.. The soul and the living body it inhabits are so much more than we can ever comprehend.

Love,
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue,

I very much enjoyed the changes you've made on this poem. It's a poignant one IMHO, one that will linger in the mind. I have two suggestions below if you are entertaining further ideas. I agree with you that this one is ready for the showcase file!

Your title hints at something, a tease for the reader that makes us wonder what we're about to read. Thinking it might be psychological or fantasy themed, I was pleasantly surprised to find it about faith, life after death. I recently changed the first quote in my signature and this poem speaks of it so wonderfully.

Here are the two ideas I jotted down for you to ponder:

and wondering how life could go [move] along (for alliteration to next line's 'man')
without the man they all adored. He knew
they would and whispered, "Love will see you through." (another idea - swap Love with Faith)

I am so taken by this poem that I am going to nominate it for the upcoming IBPC and hope you'll consider the nomination.
Cheers
~Cleo

[heartsong7]

Hi Lori...
That you think this sonnet worthy of nomination for IBPC means a lot to me, thank you.
about this line:
and wondering how life could go along
I'm still not satisfied with it at all and think I may go back to the original. I had changed it in order to cut down on pronouns but the present wording seems awkward to me.
I'm thinking of changing to: "and wondering how could they get along"

re:
"they would and whispered, "Love will see you through"
It's really about the power of love to sustain... shared love for the one who has gone on and love for each other. For me, such love includes faith.

I appreciate your insight... just the nudges I need to finish this up.
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

This is definitely it Sue:

despaired at how they'd ever get along (Better meter in this version).
without the man whom all adored. He knew 'Nice inclusion of 'all'.
they would and whispered, "Love will see you through."

Yes, Yes! I think this is fini.

I too, thought the word 'love' to be more powerful in this context, just wanted to toss out another idea.

Cheers
~Cleo