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> a Haiku reposting
Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 30 09, 19:09
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Hi all,

Figured I'd jump in here and repost an old Haiku - it was titled 'Rainstorm' but I hear one isn't supposed to giv them titles...

Have at it folks! writersblock.gif


a koi tail
under the water lily
rainstorm
tropicalfish.gif tropicalfish.gif tropicalfish.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

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"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 31 09, 05:37
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A bit of a notation: this is considered "contemporary haiku".

If I were to follow the traditinal params, it might look something like this...

Quivering Koi tail
under the water lily
ominous rainstorm


Cheers
~Cleo magictongue.png


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_alice_*
post Jul 31 09, 11:35
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I much prefer the first one..more scope for creative images..imho

great read, thanks

Alice
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Aug 1 09, 08:11
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Thanks for dropping by, Alice...

Glad you enjoyed and yes, I agree with you. I like the mystery of the original a tad more...

Cheers
~Cleo clownfish.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Aug 3 09, 18:37
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Hi Lori

I'm with Alice here - I like the first one best, the second feels kind of cluttered. Conciseness is important.
This is one of my favourite haiku and I remember when you originally wrote it. pharoah2.gif

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Cleo_Serapis
post Aug 3 09, 19:08
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Hi Snow, Snowflake.gif

Nice to see you and THANKS for reminding me of this oldie as well! It's always fun to get fresh commentary. Read.gif I think I'll be following you an Sylvia's lead and start revising older works. There's much that needs re-working in my files, lol!!!

Short forms are not my forte as you know but I like the conciseness of this one, as you mentioned. Glad you enjoyed!

Cheers
~Cleo sun.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Aug 4 09, 12:10
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Lori, I liked the first image even though it follows no set pattern. I am beginning to think that as Mark said we need a modern name for this sort of poem maybe waiku or swenyru for world wide haiku or senyru for the world... that this is a derivative of haiku and senyru with no set syllables or word count just an image in very consistent language. or maybe even Kuyu...hmmmm.
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Aug 5 09, 16:47
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Hi Steve,

Well, it is definitely under the 17 sylls that traditional ones follow. I have seen this called contemporary American Haiku before (or maybe we can call it "Haiku Americana" ?

Kuiyu is fun too!

Thanks for stopping by!

~Cleo dance.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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