The Apology, The poem came in rhymes so I left it that way. Options

[vessq]

THE APOLOGY

Did you ever step across a horse
In the chill before the dawn
And leave a woman wondering
How long you would be gone?

She'd know you were home
When she heard you at the door
You'd never even say
What pasture you were headed for.

Never thought that she might worry
When you stayed out way late
Maybe lay awake and listen hard
Trying to hear you at the gate

Did she think you might be laying hurt
From a cow wreck or a fall
And wonder where to go and look
Or which neighbor she should call?

You are gray as granite now and careful
No careless cowboy any more
And decide to ask forgiveness
For all the worry you caused her

Through a puzzled laugh, you hear her say
I slept right through the goofy things you'd do
Because when we both were twenty
I was immortal, just like you.

[Merlin]

Greetings vessq,

Back in the saddle again...

A nice story, and weren't we all invincible once, eh!

Coupla things >>
should the first line be something I understand, like a common phrase of "step across a horse"? It's not something I know.
The "cow wreck" downstream has me wondering also. Could be a crazy longhorn maverick, but cows generally are docile up this way. Not often do they cause a wreck.

Methinks you've got the lay/lie common error here. He might be laying, and I suspect that'll hurt, depending on what he's laying. Check out This Site and scroll down to lay/lie, click.

Good to be back in the saddle again.

Merlin

[vessq]

Thanks Merlin,

I am sure you are right about the lay lie comment. I will correct it in the next re-write.

The "step across a horse" is a fairly common usage. Not quite like, mounted my steed, but fairly common. Think about how you get on a horse. Left foot in the stirrup and then you step across.

I have had several horses knocked out from under me by an old cow. Usually one with a cancer eye so she is blind on one side. As a strong-headed child, I even had an Angus bull run under my horse when he turned to run blind from a sumo style bull fight. I had been told many time to stay away from the bulls when they are fighting. But it was fascinating to watch, so I got hurt.

Yeah, a collision between a half wild range cow and a man or child horseback qualifies as a cow wreck and is often so described in the cowboy world.

Thank you for your comments they are much appreciated.

vessq

[Thoth]

Hi vessq,
I enjoyed your cowboy rhyme as is quite different from the usual stuff we get to see on the forums. The use of language is also novel to me, like out of an old western novel. I had a similar upbringing so can relate except it was always my mother who fretted what trouble were were getting into in then what was still a wild part of Africa.

From a technical aspect the metre is rather erratic with varied stresses and line lenghts. The rhyme in S5 is weak. I'm not sure how fussy you are on these things but suspect you are happy with it just as it is.

Thanks for sharing,
Wally

[AMETHYST]

Hello Vessq and again welcome to MM -

I liked this a lot. I liked the subject as well. Often there is so much in our lives that while going through it our focus is narrow and the larger picture is never seen, however - when the dust settles in our lives and we look back, sometimes we see what was just out of view, unfortunately not everyone takes the time to say I'm sorry or acknowledge how our lives might have overflowed into anothers. This was a good way to take that step.

There are some stumbles here and there that I will comment on below in each stanza. The first one is the first line, as Merlin has mentioned. I read your explanation and felt that 'when getting on a horse, we don't actually step across the horse, but rather step above it or over it. However, I suppose regional tongue and / or cultures (being a cowboy or in the atmostphere of that way of life) it is probably something someone involved in that way of living would say. So please take my suggestions and thoughts as gifts and use what you can while discarding what isn't helpful to you.

Either way, this is a lovely poem with a welcoming sentiment; with a nice twist in the final line. Loved that unexpected kick -:)

Best Regards, Liz

THE APOLOGY

Did you ever step across a horse
In the chill before the dawn
And leave a woman wondering
How long you would be gone?

As already mentioned L1 - maybe - 'Have' instead of "Did" to open it. Which will offer a bounce off of 'horse' and how in L4
Did you ever climb across a horse
or saddle up a horse or perhaps - 'Did you ever scale across a horse (which will keep that slight inner rhyme with across/horse and yet will be more suited as to what action is happening.)
In L3, I keep wanting to say "or left a woman wondering"

Example:

Have you ever scaled across a horse
in the chill before the dawn;
and left a woman wondering
how long you might be gone?


Just ideas...

She'd know you were home
When she heard you at the door
You'd never even say
What pasture you were headed for.

This stanza I would expect something that would continue my view of the narrator leaving- My suggestion would be to switch Stanza 3 with Stanza 2. I think S3 holds more power and consistency with the meaning of S1 -

As for structure in S2... I found the rhythm stumbled for me here... Although S1 hadn't held a tight meter, it did give the reader an established rhythm to expect, which S2 sort of abandons and it did disrupt my enjoyment of the poem.
Perhaps redrafting these lines to be more consistent with the set rhythm of S1.
Some suggestions that might inspire could be ...

She'd only know that you were home
When she heard you at the door
although you never even said
What pasture you headed for -

Again, this stanza, in my opinion would work best after the following...

Never thought that she might worry
When you stayed out way late
Maybe lay awake and listen hard
Trying to hear you at the gate

Again, some minor smoothing out of line, suggestions - In this stanza (again I suggest this stanza would make a great S2) if you decide to consider it, L1 in this stanza would flow easily perhaps if you added 'Though' (which will have a nice sound partnership with thought - and substituting 'might' with would for alliterative purposes while adding a slight charge to the intended meaning.

Here's a quick example of what I mean. (it is often hard to explain so I offer a visual - I hope you don't mind.)

You never thought she would worry
those nights you stayed out late-
or maybe lay awake and listen hard
just to hear you at the gate.

Did she think you might be laying hurt
From a cow wreck or a fall
And wonder where to go and look
Or which neighbor she should call?

L1 seems weak. Not in meaning- I like what it implies, but I do feel there are other ways to say it stronger ... maybe there is other words more intense than 'think' perhaps she imagined him dead or hurt
envisioned ...

As Merlin mentioned, 'cow wreck' feels awkward. I do believe the narrator is referring to the periods of absence is because the narrator worked as a cattleman. Although I am not too familiar with a cowboy's life (though they are cute...LOL)

Anyway - another example to show what I mean...

Perhaps she foresaw you lying hurt
in aftermath of wreck or fall;
she didn't know just where to look
Or which neighbor she could call.

You are gray as granite now and careful
No careless cowboy any more
And decide to ask forgiveness
For all the worry you caused her

The end rhymes (more/her) is very weak, especially compared to your previious stanza's and how full-rhymed they are. Perhaps some minor tweaking here and there might lead this stanza into the final stanza as a good bridge to make that final line do its job.

Hair turned as gray as granite;
from careless cowboy to old gent-
I beg you true forgiveness
for all the worry never ment...

Through a puzzled laugh, you hear her say
I slept right through the goofy things you'd do
Because when we both were twenty
I was immortal, just like you.

I like the way this ends... There is irony and surprise for the reader - a nice change over twist that catches both the funny nature of the twist and the ah ha moment of an unexpected revelation. What gliched for me is the reference to being 20 - specifically, while the poem all through out made me feel that all those years growing up and growing older ... not specifically 20...

Perhaps something implying just simply 'younger' like younger days or unseasoned years - hmm...

A minor suggestion for L1 -

Then through a puzzled laugh, she said
I slept on through those things you'd do
for during all those younger years-
I was immortal, just like you.

Or something in that direction.

I think this is a wonderful poem and hope that something I left might be useful to you. Please take my thoughts and suggestions as merely that ... Over all the poem stands on its own and is very enjoyable to both mind and ear.

Best Wishes, Liz

[JaxMyth]

Hi there is much to like in this. Some comments in line:

THE APOLOGY

Did you ever step across a horse
In the chill before the dawn
And leave a woman wondering
How long you would be gone?

She'd know you were home
When she heard you at the door
You'd never even say
What pasture you were headed for.
You have gone from saying that you were going and now you are home and about to go again, the time thread of narrative is broken and the reader is left wondering why. The metre is also off.

Never thought that she might worry
When you stayed out way late
The clashing stresses do not work perhaps this separation:
When you stayed out way too late
Maybe lay awake and listen hard
The syntax is lost, perhaps:
Never thought she'd stay awake
Trying to hear you at the gate


Did she think you might be laying hurt
From a cow wreck or a fall
From a cow wreck or from a fall
And wonder where to go and look
Or which neighbor she should call?
Interesting construction "cow wreck"

You are gray as granite now and careful
No careless cowboy any more
And decide to ask forgiveness
For all the worry you caused her
The dropping of true rhyme does not work here.

Through a puzzled laugh, you hear her say
I slept right through the goofy things you'd do
Because when we both were twenty
I was immortal, just like you.

As I said there is much to like but the beats need to be regularised and the syntax repaired. Re-read from the view point of the flow of narrative and adjust.

Use or lose,

Regards,

Jax

[vessq]

Wally, Liz, and Jax,

You people are terrific. I will work on this poem for a long time as a result of your suggestions.

I come from an oral tradition. I doubt if you will recognize the names of my poetry heros. I spent my youth reading Badger Clark, Bruce Kiskaddon, Henry Herbert Knibbs, Curley Fletcher, and D.J O'Malley among others.

I was unduly influenced by lines like this from Henry Herbert Knibbs.

Now Mr. Boomer Johnson
Was getting old in spots
But you don't expect a bad man
to go wrassling pan and pots.

It is about a man to old to cowboy who turns into a cranky and dangerous cook.

They finally had to shoot him.

My struggle is to keep the sound of the language right and yet make it interesting and readable for people educated beyond the cowboy world I have lived in all my life.

Thanks again to all of you. I am pleased and honored that you would respond so thoughtfully to a piece that is essentially doggerel verse.

To misquote William Carlos Williams, "If it ain't fun it ain't a poem"

Vess

[Peterpan]

Hi Vess, I have just welcomed you and now read your post...WOW, you are amazing...I come from a country which is so different but, enjoy your words all the same...keep at it...MM are great at crits and there have been a lot of suggestions to digest. I await a edit.

Good luck and welcome again.

Peterpan (Bev)

[vessq]

Hello Peterpan,

Thanks for the comment. I did and do live in a sort of different place and in a culture different than most people.

It is often said that the ways of the cowboy in the American West and the Drovers of Australia are all gone.

I have a friend who insists there are still plenty of cowboys and drovers around. You just can't see them from the road.

Vess

[Guest_Lone Wolf_*]

Hello Vess,
You have brought me out of the shadows. I find myself too busy nowadays to contribute much to the forum, but I felt a need to comment on your poem. You have received plenty of great advice on meter that I can't match. I will say that I related to the poem very much. I don't have a cowboy background, but I grew up on a dairy farm. That farm is still in the family and I think often of the lessons learned there.
I enjoyed your poem, keep up the good work.
Brent

[Peterpan]

How kind of Brent? What kind words of encouragement?! Well done.

Bev