Hot Blooded !, Simple verse, end line rhyme (Revision- 10-02-07) Options

[4rum]

Written in tribute to Princess Iohagh

Hot Blooded


As dusky eve'n time descends
Chase the shadows ‘cross the glens
Tiny princess know her hour
To close the petals of each flower

Now take to wing pixie sprite
Much to do, for comes the night
Into the dark of dreams abyss
Seal each blossom with your kiss

Such charge is given Iohagh
Not a chore, but pleasure draw
From her power, grace and duty
She gives the world natures beauty

But of a night steeped in gloom
Aphids come to kill the bloom
And Iohagh alone doth stand
Before the murd’rous evil band

With legions legs do they walk
They pierce and suck each fragile stalk
A wave of death sweep o’re the glade

And Iohagh draw her blade…

With battle cry she make the fray
Parry, thrust then dance away
Forge again to fracas fierce
Her Elvin blade the evil pierce

And on and on and on t’ward morn
Though bruised and battered, sadly torn
The tiny princess cannot falter
She lay her fate at heavens alter


On weakened knee but strengthened prayer
She speak her vow into the air
“Oh Lord of day, Lord of night,”
“Hear my plea, see my plight,”

And in an instant flash of green
Come Ger-ta mighty mantis queen
With jagged lethal lightning claw
She stand her ground with Iohagh

On Ger-ta’s back in blueblack robe
The Watcher of all gardens rode
With magic sceptre held up high
He smite the aphid…and they die

Now Ger-ta gently in her maw
Take the broken Iohagh
And carry her to Watcher’s lair
Where he can mend the princess fair

With herb of land, sky and ocean
The Watcher conjure saving potion
A poultice, salves and sweet elixir

And maybe brandy, in the mixture

Took to the pixie in repose
Iohagh must pinch her nose
Against the putrid stench and stink
But she know, she must drink

Then come the sleep of all the ages
Dreams be spun from sooths and sages
And to her healing too they lend
The pow’r of love to help her mend

In sleep her power the Gods restore
And for her heart, they give her more
Through her veins, fire is flooded
When she wake, IOHAGH !… Hot Blooded!

[AMETHYST]

Hi Sam,


I have to admit, when I first clicked into the thread and saw the lengthiness of this poem I was about to print it out and look over it as time allowed. But I began to read the first few stanza's to get an idea of the story line and found myself nearing the ending without even realizing how easy and smooth and pleasant the poem reads that I hardly noticed it's length at all.

I wasn't too thrilled with the title and felt some further consideration would do the poem well with a title that fits it like a glove ... what that title will be might come out of the blue when you're thinking of something else or from someone passing through and leaving comments. I certainly will return when just the right thoughts come to mind - but until then let's get to the poem.

This read to me like an enchanting dance in a wonderous world. I actually read it twice and then began a third read with critique in mind. There are several lines that I felt some meter change could work well. As for the most lines, I found Iambic and then followed but an intruding turn in the beginning of the following lines in some area's gave me a thump.. So most of my thoughts will be for that.

Sam I really think with just some tweaking and reconsideration on minor points this can easily reach it's potential as a very striking and wonderful poem and with a little work can blow it out of the water! :)


As always, please use what might be useful and discard the rest! Liz ...

Hot Blooded


As dusky evening time descends
Chase the shadows ‘cross the glens
Tiny princess know her hour
To close the petals of each flower

Such lovely images and scenes to open up the story. Although this is soft both in sound and imagery, some minor meter changes might lend a slight improvement...

In L1, I found it awkward or perhaps weaker to say 'As dusky evening time' and L2, I keep wanting to say 'to chase the shadows 'cross the glens and in L3, also gives me a stumble with the opening meter...

Perhaps ...

As dusk of evening light descends,
and chases shadows ‘cross the glens
A tiny princess ... know her hour
to close the petals of each flower

Now take to wing pixie sprite
Much to do, for comes the night
Into the dark of dreams abyss
Seal each bloom with your kiss

L4, is off a bit ... perhaps 'then seal each blossom with your kiss. (or blooming)

I adore the loveliness and enchanting images of this stanza, the unintrusive end rhymes flow smoothly off the tongue and feel natural through out.

Such charge is given Iohagh
Not a chore but pleasure draw
From her power, grace and duty
She give the world natures beauty

L2, perhaps ... 'not a chore, but of pleasures draw
L3, perhaps ... and from her power, grace ... duty
L4 (a typo) she gives the world natures beauty.

Again minor thumps with meter and that s on 'gives' in l4 very minor stuff ... The poem steadily builds toward a wonderful close.

But of a night steeped in gloom
Aphids come to kill the bloom
And Iohagh alone doth stand
Before the murd’rous evil band

again, the meter has a bump ... perhaps 'but of a night now steeped in gloom'
Perhaps in L2," Aphids take flight to kill the bloom. (changing 'blossom S2L4 it would omit the repeat here of 'bloom' where bloom is essential.

Very nice meter and inner rhymes established in this stanza - as well as a nice turn into the grimness that contrasts the opening stanzas.

With legions legs do they walk
They pierce and suck each fragile stalk
A wave of death sweep o’re the glade

And Iohagh draw her blade…

I would suggestion keeping that final line attached to the stanza. If you would like to offer the reader a longer pause before going into the line, perhaps ... -- after glade or at the beginning of the line.

L2, perhaps ... 'to pierce and suck each fragile stalk'
L3, possibly a typo 'sweeps' instead of sweep.

With battle cry she make the fray
Parry, thrust then dance away
Forge again to fracas fierce
Her Elvin blade the evil pierce

In L2, it should be 'makes' or she'll make the fray.
I would also suggest adding 'She'll parry, thrust then dance away'
L3, to forge again to fracas fierce
her Elvin blade with evil pierce.

And on and on and on t’ward morn
Though bruised and battered, sadly torn
The tiny princes cannot falter
She lay her fate at heavens alter

I understand that the continous 'on and on and on ...' is to emphasize the continuous movement toward morning... however I don't think it comes off strong here, it felt a little like filler to meet line length... perhaps ... And night, goes on tward the morn -"
L2, she's sadly torn? ...
L3 a typo ... 'princess'
L4, 'she'll lay her fate at heaven's alter

On weakened knee but strengthened prayer
She speak her vow into the air
“Lord of day, Lord of night,”
“Hear my plea, see my plight,”

This stanza I like the energy and emotion that is established. There is some typos and out of context word useage that although minor once mended can bring this to a very high level of success...

Possibilities ...

on 'weary knee, and strengthened prayer
'she speaks her vows into the air
oh Lord of day and lord of night,'
hear my plea's please see my plight,

And in an instant flash of green
Come Ger-ta mighty mantis queen
With jagged lethal lightning claw
She stand her ground with Iohagh

other than adding that 's' to stands her ground (personally to put it into the right time tense, I would suggest 'she stood her ground with Iohaugh -'

Every thing here is very smooth and pleasant to read aloud ... very nice work Sam... very strong story!

On Ger-ta’s back in blueblack robe
The Watcher of all gardens rode
With magic sceptre held up high
He smite the aphid…and they die

Good use of inner rhymes here, especially with 'back/blueblack'
L4, is not correct usage of 'die' it either has to be 'died' or he smited all then watched them die. or something in that tense...

Now Ger-ta gently in her maw
Take the broken Iohagh
And carry her to Watcher’s lair
Where he can mend the princess fair

Very nice. Good follow through -

With herb of land, sky and ocean
The Watcher conjure saving potion
A poultice, salves and sweet elixir

And maybe brandy, in the mixture

Not sure why L4 is detached from the stanza... as earlier I suggest to bring it together and add -- before L4 or after L3 ...

Some tweaking to weed out some extra beats ...

With herb of land, sky and ocean (this sounds like a big thump, 'ocean' ends on a fem. sound and sort of sticks out for me. Other than making the change to 'sea' and changing the end rhymes I don't know what to offer... If something comes to mind that can be in line with your end rhyme I will return to this point.

With herb of land, sky and oceans
The Watcher conjures saving potions
of poultice, salves and sweet elix -
And maybe brandy, in the mix.

Took to the pixie in repose
Iohagh must pinch her nose
Against the putrid stench and stink
But she know, she must drink

Possibly adding 'now' after Iohagh in L2.
L4, maybe ... 'but she now knows she must drink ...'

Then come the sleep of all the ages
Dreams be spun from sooths and sages
And to her healing too they lend
The pow’r of love to help her mend

Again ... add that 's' to comes ... 'Then comes the sleep of all the ages
I would also suggest substituting 'be' with 'now' in L2 (dreams now spun from sooths and sages)
L3. perhaps ... and to her healing they will lend
power's of love to help her mend.

In sleep her power the Gods restore
And for her heart, they give her more
Through her veins, fire is flooded
When she wake, IOHAGH !… Hot Blooded!

I really felt that although the ending is good, it could be great... I felt that much of this was rhyme driven and to pull off the title in that final line. As already mentioned, Sam - I just think there is a much more profound and pivital title that might also serve in this ending with less rhyme driven imager to bring this to it's potential. And I think the wonderful story and the near perfect sounds through out and meter (with some tweaking) is well worth the small amount of revision this might take.!

Thank you for writing this and sharing it. I hope I"ve conjured (smile) up some interesting comments that help you to find the right tweaks for the poem

Best Wishes, Liz

In L1, maybe 'In sleep this power, Gods restore
for all her heart, they give her more
and through her veins, fires now flooded
for when she wakes, Iohagh - Hot blooded

[4rum]

Dear AMETHYST;

*Chuckle*... OK... I'm busted. I was a bit concerned that the title would be a snag here. This was a contest poem on another site. A stipulation of the contest was to choose a song title and build a poem for it. Guess I got a little .. umm... creative.

Now... that you have taken so much time and read 'Hot Blooded' to this degree and offered so much help simply overwhelms me. (Lest I forget, THANK YOU !) You have pointed out some typos that I should have caught. You've offered some wonderful fixes to some 'rough' areas of the poem. I was aware that the archaic speach pattern (dropping the s's and leaving the realm of proper grammar entirely) would irk some. But I had hoped the poem would be read almost as a narration, with one voice heard, one voice from the time period (fantasy time period) that I tried to emulate. (They really do talk that way *smile*). This is also the reason the the HUGE break at "And Iohagh draw her blade"... it's the narrater pausing for reflection. He/she must group his/her thoughts for the very active next few verses.

The second break out line from the stanza... I should have add a chuckle or chortle to the stanza left it as a one word line... then broke away the line about the brandy... it was meant as (comic relief) it was not intended to be an integral part of that verse... it was the naughty addition of booze to the elixer by Watcher.

Jeepers... this is going way long... sorry... I will revisit 'Hot Blooded' and I will be delighted to infuse some of your excellent points. This was a fun poem... I still enjoy reading it occasionally... and yes... it won the competition.

bless you !
Sam

[Michelle]

Hi 4rum. This is an intriguing poem. I love the tone and the imagination of this piece. I want to give this a thorough critique but I'm running out of time and I've committed to another first. But I will be back to this one. In my first read, I was taken back by the verb forms that you've chosen - like 'she make the fray' instead of 'she makes the fray'. Is this intentional?

my best,

Michelle

[4rum]

Dear Michelle;

Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement. As AMETHYST has pointed out, there are many improvements which will make this poem better. The archaic/poetic license I have taken is intentional. It is a combination of my very best goblinese/celtic/tv 'olden tongue'. While it piques the scholar to no end... it's waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than my pirate (coming soon to a forum near you!)

I'm including some of AMETHYST'S helpful suggestions now. I'm in no hurry, I will gladly wait for your ideas as well.

blessings
sam

[Lady Poet]

Hi Sam!

Need I say how much I love this one?
Why 'tis brighter than a summers sun!

Truly it is a faniciful and lovely saga and I think it's great. I was curious about someone as careful as you leaving off their esses, but you explained that nicely in your reply to Amethyst. You delighted me with the "killer aphids!" Of course the only species of aphids I like are the daddy longlegs mistaken for spiders...lol. I have read and re-read this awesome, enchanting, almost epic (at least in content if not length) poetic art and you have once again thrilled my heart to the days of yore when once I was a warrior queen and other intriguing charaters. The humor of the title (I actually forgot the title until the last line!) threw me into a fit of the giggles. I remember that silly song, and it is soooo not this poem...however it is your poem. I am so very impressed with your creativity and style especially in light of how short a time you've been writing, you are just a natural. One day I may find something to critique, but for me, in this one, there is nothing I would change. Except maybe adding on a short explanation at the lack of esses. LOL.

Hugs and smiles, Pami 2 and a big toe! hehehe

[4rum]

Morning Pami;

I'm glad you liked the poem and the little story it tells. I'm afraid none of the song titles given to choose from were much to my liking, so... as I said... I got a little 'creative' and this is the poem I came up with. I've had some wonderful suggestions and am revising the poem (a little). I'm aware the title compromises the integrity of the poem... I'm thinking maybe a subtitle (again as in Morgun the Troll "Morgun the Troll / Morgun's End") Maybe that would help as far as the title.

Speach patterns? I sometimes write what I hear, phonetically... not what I read... drives folks nutzzzzz. Most do not hear what they hear... they hear as if they are reading. Intelligence, intellect and education tend to interpolate somewhat for those individuals needs. I'm a simple person with simple needs. I love Joel Chandler Harris, Samuel Clemens, Will Rogers and folks with a real joy and appreciation for the vernacular of the masses.

Won't win me much favor on a crit site, but I don't anticipate a dramatic change in my evolution as a scribbler.

Love your encouragement
Sam

[JaxMyth]

Some thoughts in line Sam,

Written in tribute to Princess Iohagh

Hot Blooded


As dusky eve'n time descends
(At dusk the evening light descends)
Chase the shadows ‘cross the glens
(chasing shadows 'cross the glens)
Tiny princess know her hour
(The tiny princess knows the hour)
To close the petals of each flower

Now take to wing (dear - or other monosyllabic descriptor) pixie sprite
Much to do, for comes the night
(There's much to do for here comes night)
Into the dark of dream(')s abyss
(and) Seal each blossom with your kiss

Such charge is given Iohagh
Not a chore, but pleasure draw
(This line does not make much sense)
(as) From her power, grace and duty
She gives the world n(N)ature(')s beauty

But of a night steeped in gloom
(However night is steeped in gloom)
(and) Aphids come to kill the bloom
And Iohagh alone doth stand
Before the murd’rous evil band

With legions legs do they walk
They pierce and suck each fragile stalk
A wave of death sweep(s through) [o’re] the glade

And Iohagh draw(s) her blade…

With battle cry she make(s) the fray
(BTW a battle cry cannot make the fray)
(so or something else an unstressed syllable is missing) Parry, thrust then dance away
Forge again to fracas fierce
(really does not mean anything)
Her Elvin blade the evil pierce
(The inversion is so overly poetic)

And on and on and on t’ward morn
(and on and on towards the morn, there is no need for the faux archaism)
Though bruised and battered, sadly torn
The tiny princess cannot falter
She lay her fate at heavens alter
(She lays her fate on Heaven's altar.)


On weakened knee but strengthened prayer
She speak(s) her vow into the air
“Oh Lord of day, Lord of night,”
“Hear my plea, see my plight,”

And in an instant flash of green
Come Ger-ta mighty mantis queen
With jagged lethal lightning claw
She stand(s) her ground with Iohagh

On Ger-ta’s back in blueblack robe
The Watcher of all gardens rode
With magic sceptre held up high
He smite(s) the aphid…and they die

Now Ger-ta gently in her maw
Take(s) the broken Iohagh
And carr[y](ies) her to Watcher’s lair
(the language is far too tortured)
Where he can mend the princess fair

With herb of land, sky and ocean
The Watcher conjure(s) (either an article or 'potion' must be made plural) saving potion
A poultice, salves and sweet elixir

Grammar must always be addressed.

If of use please use if not discard.

Regards,

Jax

[4rum]

Dear Jax;

Thank you for the visit and the appearant time you've spent with Hot Blooded. Very astute observations all. I do see a couple of suggestions that will be a definate improvement.

Sam

"Grammar must always be addressed."

I read the back of a box of saltines once. Grammar, spelling, punctuation... all were perfect. The content, however was a little bland for my taste.