REVISION

Sunlight slips past the shade
and gilds the dust into fairy charms
I ache and make wish upon wish
to hold you forever here in my arms.

A mother’s heart is a bird in prison
with wings that shudder its cage of bone.
Feel, Child, feel them beating
hard and closely to your own.

Now’s time for prayer and time for bed.
You giggle, I laugh and I reach for your hair
but you hurry away from my hollow hand
up to the room at the top of the stair.

I open the door and turn on the light
...there’s no head on the pillow...nothing...no mark.
No sign of you Child...for no-one has been
inside my womb in the crabscuttled dark.

ORIGINAL

Sunlight slips past the shade
and gilds the dust into fairy charms
I ache and make wish upon wish
to hold you forever here in my arms.

A mother’s heart is a bird in prison.
A frantic shudder in a cage of bone.
Feel, Child, feel it beating
hard and closely to your own.

Now’s time for prayer and time for bed.
You giggle, I laugh and I reach for your hair
but you hurry away from my hollow hand
up to the room at the top of the stair.

I open the door and turn on the light
...there’s no head on the pillow...nothing...no mark.
No sign of you Child...for no-one has been
inside my womb in the crabscuttled dark.

Dear JM,
For me, meter matters muchly, so if this were mine I'd concentrate just there.
The choice of words, rhymes and message require no polishing as I see it. I 'm
Especially impressed by the closing lines' denouement.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

It is accentual Ron.

Many thanks,

Jan

Dear JM,
I still don't fully understand the all the aspects of accentual verse. It will be my project for the day.
Clement Wood cites Coleridge's "Christobel" as an early example and "The Listeners" by de la Mare.
I myself have written some verse in what I assumed to be accentual. I expect it more closely followed my habit of metric for rather diverging less from structured repetitive beat than accentual can do.
I wonder if I can find it and post it for comment.
It's a topic I surely need to study more.
Nicely done!
Cheers, ron jgdittier

Hello JM,
bin a while, wot?

I especially liked the metaphor in V2.
I believe the entire piece might be a symbolism for something, but that's my weak area. Even in texts where they almost tell you what to look for, I'm a dolt in these matters. Here, I'm not sure where the overall is going, and that in itself is good. Leave the reader to his imagination, and there will be numerous answers. RF is still studied and debated for his trails in the woods, ride in the snow, and so on. The answers are as broad as the snowy woods, and as numerous as the snowflakes.

Merlin

Hi Jan,

Good to see you about. I hope your holidays were surrounded by loved ones, good friends and best of health. As well as the new year bring to you good things. As for your poetry, as always it is a gift to any reader to read through the loveliness of your creations...

I think I just like to have something to nit pick when reading your poetry, so this way I feel like I might make a contribution.

Some minor and miscellaneous mentions to follow. Please use anything that might be of use to you and discard the rest.

Best Wishes, Liz



The first line here, leaves me breathless with the pleasant alliteration and into L2 with gilds, I leave a thumbs up for the usage of gilds- fresh word choice. In L2, I keep wanting to omit the 'the' before dust, perhaps saying '... and gilds dustlights into fairy charms or maybe dustmites = or even and gilds dust-drifts or even and gilds silt-dust into fairy charms ... I guess my point is I would love to see that 'the' gone! LOL It is purely personal perference I certainly wouldn't expect any extra thought to rid it. :)



This stanza feels familiar to me, perhaps I've read this poem before - I love the image of SHOWING a mother's love like the innocent, delicate bird caged - Love this stanza it is full of miracle and wonder - the connecting, quickness of L3, capitalizing Feel, Child - allowing the reader to associate both the oneness and separateness of the mother/child.



These final stanza's open up the unexpecting twist inwhich leaves the reader with chin to chest. Yes, I do remember reading this before and commenting - I remember not knowing what crabscuttled meant. LOL

Not a nit to nibble here other than I think this poem is worthy of acknowledgements. I know Poppy (one of our MM family members) had a online Magazine for mothers who miscarried and or had still births- I think this poem would also fit a tribute there as well. and there was also my inner sense wondering if there is much more to this, more to interpret here -

Well this is quite powerful in meaning and skill -

Hugs, Liz