Hi Sam,
I have to admit, when I first clicked into the thread and saw the lengthiness of this poem I was about to print it out and look over it as time allowed. But I began to read the first few stanza's to get an idea of the story line and found myself nearing the ending without even realizing how easy and smooth and pleasant the poem reads that I hardly noticed it's length at all.
I wasn't too thrilled with the title and felt some further consideration would do the poem well with a title that fits it like a glove ... what that title will be might come out of the blue when you're thinking of something else or from someone passing through and leaving comments. I certainly will return when just the right thoughts come to mind - but until then let's get to the poem.
This read to me like an enchanting dance in a wonderous world. I actually read it twice and then began a third read with critique in mind. There are several lines that I felt some meter change could work well. As for the most lines, I found Iambic and then followed but an intruding turn in the beginning of the following lines in some area's gave me a thump.. So most of my thoughts will be for that.
Sam I really think with just some tweaking and reconsideration on minor points this can easily reach it's potential as a very striking and wonderful poem and with a little work can blow it out of the water! :)
As always, please use what might be useful and discard the rest! Liz ...
QUOTE
Hot Blooded
As dusky evening time descends
Chase the shadows ‘cross the glens
Tiny princess know her hour
To close the petals of each flower
Such lovely images and scenes to open up the story. Although this is soft both in sound and imagery, some minor meter changes might lend a slight improvement...
In L1, I found it awkward or perhaps weaker to say 'As dusky evening time' and L2, I keep wanting to say 'to chase the shadows 'cross the glens and in L3, also gives me a stumble with the opening meter...
Perhaps ...
As dusk of evening light descends,
and chases shadows ‘cross the glens
A tiny princess ... know her hour
to close the petals of each flower
QUOTE
Now take to wing pixie sprite
Much to do, for comes the night
Into the dark of dreams abyss
Seal each bloom with your kiss
L4, is off a bit ... perhaps 'then seal each blossom with your kiss. (or blooming)
I adore the loveliness and enchanting images of this stanza, the unintrusive end rhymes flow smoothly off the tongue and feel natural through out.
QUOTE
Such charge is given Iohagh
Not a chore but pleasure draw
From her power, grace and duty
She give the world natures beauty
L2, perhaps ... 'not a chore, but of pleasures draw
L3, perhaps ... and from her power, grace ... duty
L4 (a typo) she gives the world natures beauty.
Again minor thumps with meter and that s on 'gives' in l4 very minor stuff ... The poem steadily builds toward a wonderful close.
QUOTE
But of a night steeped in gloom
Aphids come to kill the bloom
And Iohagh alone doth stand
Before the murd’rous evil band
again, the meter has a bump ... perhaps 'but of a night now steeped in gloom'
Perhaps in L2," Aphids take flight to kill the bloom. (changing 'blossom S2L4 it would omit the repeat here of 'bloom' where bloom is essential.
Very nice meter and inner rhymes established in this stanza - as well as a nice turn into the grimness that contrasts the opening stanzas.
QUOTE
With legions legs do they walk
They pierce and suck each fragile stalk
A wave of death sweep o’re the glade
And Iohagh draw her blade…
I would suggestion keeping that final line attached to the stanza. If you would like to offer the reader a longer pause before going into the line, perhaps ... -- after glade or at the beginning of the line.
L2, perhaps ... 'to pierce and suck each fragile stalk'
L3, possibly a typo 'sweeps' instead of sweep.
QUOTE
With battle cry she make the fray
Parry, thrust then dance away
Forge again to fracas fierce
Her Elvin blade the evil pierce
In L2, it should be 'makes' or she'll make the fray.
I would also suggest adding 'She'll parry, thrust then dance away'
L3, to forge again to fracas fierce
her Elvin blade with evil pierce.
QUOTE
And on and on and on t’ward morn
Though bruised and battered, sadly torn
The tiny princes cannot falter
She lay her fate at heavens alter
I understand that the continous 'on and on and on ...' is to emphasize the continuous movement toward morning... however I don't think it comes off strong here, it felt a little like filler to meet line length... perhaps ... And night, goes on tward the morn -"
L2, she's sadly torn? ...
L3 a typo ... 'princess'
L4, 'she'll lay her fate at heaven's alter
QUOTE
On weakened knee but strengthened prayer
She speak her vow into the air
“Lord of day, Lord of night,”
“Hear my plea, see my plight,”
This stanza I like the energy and emotion that is established. There is some typos and out of context word useage that although minor once mended can bring this to a very high level of success...
Possibilities ...
on 'weary knee, and strengthened prayer
'she speaks her vows into the air
oh Lord of day and lord of night,'
hear my plea's please see my plight,
QUOTE
And in an instant flash of green
Come Ger-ta mighty mantis queen
With jagged lethal lightning claw
She stand her ground with Iohagh
other than adding that 's' to stands her ground (personally to put it into the right time tense, I would suggest 'she stood her ground with Iohaugh -'
Every thing here is very smooth and pleasant to read aloud ... very nice work Sam... very strong story!
QUOTE
On Ger-ta’s back in blueblack robe
The Watcher of all gardens rode
With magic sceptre held up high
He smite the aphid…and they die
Good use of inner rhymes here, especially with 'back/blueblack'
L4, is not correct usage of 'die' it either has to be 'died' or he smited all then watched them die. or something in that tense...
QUOTE
Now Ger-ta gently in her maw
Take the broken Iohagh
And carry her to Watcher’s lair
Where he can mend the princess fair
Very nice. Good follow through -
QUOTE
With herb of land, sky and ocean
The Watcher conjure saving potion
A poultice, salves and sweet elixir
And maybe brandy, in the mixture
Not sure why L4 is detached from the stanza... as earlier I suggest to bring it together and add -- before L4 or after L3 ...
Some tweaking to weed out some extra beats ...
With herb of land, sky and ocean (this sounds like a big thump, 'ocean' ends on a fem. sound and sort of sticks out for me. Other than making the change to 'sea' and changing the end rhymes I don't know what to offer... If something comes to mind that can be in line with your end rhyme I will return to this point.
With herb of land, sky and oceans
The Watcher conjures saving potions
of poultice, salves and sweet elix -
And maybe brandy, in the mix.
QUOTE
Took to the pixie in repose
Iohagh must pinch her nose
Against the putrid stench and stink
But she know, she must drink
Possibly adding 'now' after Iohagh in L2.
L4, maybe ... 'but she now knows she must drink ...'
QUOTE
Then come the sleep of all the ages
Dreams be spun from sooths and sages
And to her healing too they lend
The pow’r of love to help her mend
Again ... add that 's' to comes ... 'Then comes the sleep of all the ages
I would also suggest substituting 'be' with 'now' in L2 (dreams now spun from sooths and sages)
L3. perhaps ... and to her healing they will lend
power's of love to help her mend.
QUOTE
In sleep her power the Gods restore
And for her heart, they give her more
Through her veins, fire is flooded
When she wake, IOHAGH !… Hot Blooded!
I really felt that although the ending is good, it could be great... I felt that much of this was rhyme driven and to pull off the title in that final line. As already mentioned, Sam - I just think there is a much more profound and pivital title that might also serve in this ending with less rhyme driven imager to bring this to it's potential. And I think the wonderful story and the near perfect sounds through out and meter (with some tweaking) is well worth the small amount of revision this might take.!
Thank you for writing this and sharing it. I hope I"ve conjured (smile) up some interesting comments that help you to find the right tweaks for the poem
Best Wishes, Liz
In L1, maybe 'In sleep this power, Gods restore
for all her heart, they give her more
and through her veins, fires now flooded
for when she wakes, Iohagh - Hot blooded