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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Could I belie

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 16 10, 03:16

I haven't written in a long while. With lack of something new and fresh to offer you, I dusted off this older Sonnet, my 2nd Sonnet infact and I am open to any suggestions and thoughts for improvement. It is a Reply Sonnet to Samuel Butler's "She was too kind, she woo'd so persistently..."

Could I Belie?

Would I have been so wise to love without
a heart to break, a voice to vow and dreams
of blissful nights-to offer less? It seems
a waste of time to entertain this doubt.
Would I be more adored by you, if I
had used you as a fool -- had played a game
and masked my care in deeper shades of shame?
To hide behind feigned words implies a lie;
perhaps this voice that says "I will be true,"
or speaks in written verse, enkindled dear,
by hands that stop to wipe away a tear,
could never spark a kindred flame in you?
Should I decide to hide a better me,
or speak of love and hope to set it free.

Posted by: JLY Aug 16 10, 05:39

Liz,
I am a bit of a disadvantage because I am not familiar with Butler's poem. Perhaps I should have read that first before I comment on yours.

Overall, I like the emotions that are shared in this one and the style is one that seems classic in nature.

The word "enkindled" doesn't seem smooth and it doesn't seem to flow as well as the others.

Your last four lines are very powerful and they represent the best part and the pure essence of your poem; to me they are a little more melodic and lilting than the previous ones:

by hands that stop to wipe away a tear,
could never spark a kindred flame in you?
Should I decide to hide a better me,
or speak of love and hope to set it free.

I guess I should find the time to read the original and then come back for another visit.

Nice way to start my day.

JLY

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 16 10, 10:55

Hi John,

Thank you for stopping in ... Although I don't think reading the poem this responds to actually will make a difference on the poem at hand (only because there isn't anything in Samuel Butlers Poem that my response poem relies on... However I would love to take this opportunity to share his Sonnet with everyone. It is a most profound and thought provoking poem...

i

QUOTE

She Was Too Kind, Wooed Too Persistently

By Samuel Butler

She was too kind, wooed too persistently,
Wrote moving letters to me day by day;
The more she wrote, the more unmoved was I,
The more she gave, the less could I repay.
Therefore I grieve, not that I was not loved,
But that, being loved, I could not love again.
I liked, but like and love are far removed;
Hard though I tried to love I tried in vain.
For she was plain and lame and fat and short,
Forty and over-kind. Hence it befell
That though I loved her in a certain sort,
Yet did I love too wisely but not well.
Ah! had she been more beauteous or less kind
She might have found me of another mind.

When I first read this, I actually saw myself and how I acted toward another long ago, and was placed in a state of contemplation - Should I have cared so much or played hard to get ... anyway my response was the result!

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: ohsteve Aug 16 10, 11:13

Liz, definetly speak of love and set it free. I liked this muchly and I thought it related to Butler very well. My view on love has changed over the years, I used to be scared of saying' I love you' too much afraid I would lose that love if given to freely, but I have found that the more you give love the more you have to give. So I give love as much as possible, especially to those that are dear, cause you never know when or even if you'll get another chance...so give all the love you can...it will come back triple fold...

glad to see you return Liz, hope to see you here lots more.
hugs and love
Steve

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 17 10, 05:48

Hi Steve,

Thank you for stopping in on this old but dear one to my heart. (Not so dear that I am not willing to work it out) That has always been my biggest down fall, I give with my heart, all of my heart. I still love but I pick and choose who! :)

However, this was written when Lori, Snow, JLY and I and many others played at Poemkingdom. It was in a challenge thread. A response to this poem by Samuel Butler - it was my 2nd Sonnet (after Stargazer)

So I am open to any suggestions ...

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 17 10, 06:37

Hi, Liz,

I'm going to put my pedant's hat on now and talk about Sonnet types and rhyme schemes.

The Petrarchan or Italian Sonnet is composed of an octet rhymed abbaabba and a sestet rhymed either cdcdee or cdecde Here is Milton's On His Blindness to illustrate

QUOTE

When I consider how my light is spent (a)
Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide, (b)
And that one talent which is death to hide, (b)
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent (a)
To serve therewith my Maker, and present (a)
My true account, lest he returning chide; (b)
"Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?" (b)
I fondly ask; but Patience to prevent (a)
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need ©
Either man's work or his own gifts; who best (d)
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state (e)
Is Kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed ©
And post o'er land and ocean without rest; (d)
They also serve who only stand and wait." (e)

The Shakespearean or English Sonnet is composed in 3 quatrains and a couplet rhymed ababcdcdefefgg Look at his Sonnet 116

QUOTE

Let me not to the marriage of true minds (a)
Admit impediments, love is not love (b)*
Which alters when it alteration finds, (a)
Or bends with the remover to remove. (b)*
O no, it is an ever fixéd mark ©**
That looks on tempests and is never shaken; (d)***
It is the star to every wand'ring bark, ©
Whose worth's unknown although his height be taken. (d)***
Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks (e)
Within his bending sickle's compass come, (f)*
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, (e)
But bears it out even to the edge of doom: (f)*
If this be error and upon me proved, (g)*
I never writ, nor no man ever loved. (g)*

A variant on the English form is the Spenserian sonnet, in which the rhyme scheme is, abab, bcbc, cdcd, ee Have a look at his Happy ye leaves! whenas those lily hands

QUOTE

Happy ye leaves! whenas those lily hands, (a)
Which hold my life in their dead doing might, (b)
Shall handle you, and hold in love's soft hands, (a)
Like captives trembling at the victor's sight. (b)
And happy lines on which, with starry light, (b)
Those lamping eyes will deign sometimes to look,©
And read the sorrows of my dying sprite, (b)
Written with tears in heart's close bleeding book. ©
And happy rhymes! bathed in the sacred brook ©
Of Helicon, whence she derived is, (d)
When ye behold that angel's blessed look, ©
My soul's long lacked food, my heaven's bliss. (d)
Leaves, lines, and rhymes seek her to please alone, (e)
Whom if ye please, I care for other none. (e)

All examples taken from Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonnet

I've done this so that you can see how there is a deliberate contrast between the early lines and the closing ones. In this Sonnet, you lose that contrast in the couplet because of the abbacddceffegg rhyme scheme - you have pairs of rhymed lines throughout. Butler's piece is a straightforward English Sonnet and I think it was a good idea to answer it in a different format but you haven't been consistent here. The Italian variant would probably be the best option for this in that the octet could be used to explore the 'Would I have been so wise?' question while the sestet allows its rebuttal. Of course, you may not want to be that formal in your Sonnet, and that is your choice, but I feel that the contrast would emphasise the gulf between the two writers ie male/female POV's. Should you decide to go with the present layout, I will come back and offer my comments later,
Jim

Posted by: Eisa Aug 17 10, 17:24

Hey Liz!

I'm so pleased to see you again. It's unbelievable that this is your 2nd sonnet! - it reads so smooth and well. You certainly have talent and it's a pleasure to read your work again.

No nits right now. It's late here in UK and I need to digest this. I will be back!

Welcome home!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 29 10, 02:11

Hi Jim,

I am so grateful for you to have offered examples to show where the weakness within this lies. I also agree greatly with your thoughts that the contrast in choice of a more modern voice just might enhance the difference in feelings - etc ...

This was written back in 2002 and I would love to do something different with this ... YOu've come and left some wonderful ideas ...

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 29 10, 02:14

Hey Snow ...

Thank you for stopping... I think you might remember this one from PK - in the challenge forum, it was the poem that started us writing response poetry. I remember you and Lori submitted several of your own wonderful poems too ...

This one is older, but is calling to me and wants to be freshened up! I like the direction that Jim has pointed and hopefully will come up with some interesting revisions on this. Always opened to ideas and thoughts - retraining the mind to think POETRY again! LOL

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 11 10, 10:09

Even though written as a response poem,this lovely sonnet can easily stand on its own and I see nothing here that I would change.
You are one gifted poet... I hope you know it?
Sue

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 11 10, 22:06

Hey Sue,

I am blushing. As I am your greatest fan and I think your poetry should be something that should be discussed in college classes all over - Actually I have Peter Spindleshanks to thank for a lot of the original revisions and touch ups. He helped a great deal. I am found of this though ... Thank you so much for giving me some much needed confidence to write again.

Blessings and BIG HUGS!!!! Liz

Posted by: Eisa Sep 13 10, 15:57

Liz - I've come back to read this a number of times and still cannot find anything I'd wish to change. This is good to go! Bring out another!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 13 10, 19:17

I agree. I have been comtemplating what Jim had suggested, but I don't think this is one I would choose to rewrite completely. So I am going to leave it as be and considered (for better or worse) finished and move on to other poems for revisions

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: anaisa Sep 17 10, 00:35

Hi Liz,

I really enjoyed this. It's somewhat old fashioned in tone, but it all pulls together
well-- and written about a universal theme we can all relate to.

K

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Aug 16 10, 03:16 )

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 19 10, 22:21

Thank you for stopping in Karen - I appreciate the feedback.

Best Liz