Sylvan Secrets [revised], Rhyme - fantasy Options

[Mistral]

Revison 3

A gently traipsing through the woods,
unheard, unseen, on tippy-toe,
disturbing not a single leaf
upon the forest floor;
this one is neither more nor less
as stealthy, or dissimilar
from others that had come before,

whilst trees quietly whisper
cognitions of secret passings,
theirs to keep, evermore,

for every step this traveler takes,
it leaves in its magical wake
a lush and verdant green outpour.

________________________________


Revison 2

Gently traipsing through the woods,
unheard, unseen, on tip-toe,
disturbing not a single leaf
upon the forest floor;
this one neither more nor less
stealthy, nor dissimilar
from those who came before,

whilst trees quietly whisper
cognitions of secret passings,
theirs to keep, evermore,

each step this traveler takes
leaves in its magical wake
a lush and green outpour.

________________________________

Revision 1

Traipsing tip-toe through the woods,
disturbing not a single leaf
upon the forest floor,
this one neither more nor less
stealthy, nor dissimilar
from those who came before,

whilst trees quietly whisper
cognitions of secret passings,
theirs to keep, evermore,

each step this traveler takes
leaves in its magical wake
a lush and green outpour.
________________________________

Original

Traipsing tip-toe through the woods,
disturbing not a single leaf
upon the forest floor,
this one neither more nor less
stealthy, nor dissimilar
from those who came before,
whilst trees quietly whisper
cognitions of secret passings,
theirs to keep, evermore,
each step this traveler takes
leaves in its magical wake
a lush and green outpour.

[JLY]

Dear Mistral:

I read this through and through and was able to imagine myself gently walking about the forest floor. This has a nice melody to it. I keep reading the first line over and over and I tend to think it would work better if it were....

Traipsing through the woods,

and include tip-toe in another line that follows


I wonder if possibly you might change the format a bit to make your dialogue stand out...

Traipsing tip-toe through the woods,
disturbing not a single leaf
upon the forest floor,
this one neither more nor less
stealthy, nor dissimilar
from those who came before,

whilst trees quietly whisper
cognitions of secret passings,
theirs to keep, evermore,

each step this traveler takes
leaves in its magical wake
a lush and green outpour.

My favorite line is.....leaves in its magical wake

I will read this again and again...a nice gentle quick diversion.

JLY

[Mistral]

Hi JLY,
Thank you so much for your lovely comments and yes, I agree that the part with the trees stand out better when the poem is split.
You're probably right in that "tip-toe" should be left out in the first line, but where do I put it in then without changing the rest? I would not like to drop it altogether as my boyfriend did a short piece of music for this which specifically sounds like someone tip-toeing.

Hugs,
M

[JLY]

Mistral,
I would keep the tip-toe in but I would put it in another line and accent it more by having it stand alone. For example, something like this....I think of "traipsing" and "tip toe" as two distinctly separate acts and they should stand alone if possible.....

Traipsing through the woods,
gently we tip-toe (just a quick thought, not necessarily the best way to feature tip-toe)disturbing not a single leaf
upon the forest floor,
this one neither more nor less
stealthy, nor dissimilar
from those who came before,

Whatever you decide to do, either way, I still find this to be a very nice, lilting read.

JLY

[Mistral]

Thanks JLY, I've given it some thought and made some changes. Don't know if it takes away anything from the secretiuve feeling I want for the poem, but I hope you approve? I could look at it again if you think it's necessary?


M

[JLY]

Dear Mistral:

I didn't mean to make you change anything you didn't want to; I was just offering my perspective, however, I love Revision #2 and how you used tip toe..it now stands out and doesn't get lost in the first line.

You have done a great job with the revision and the total look of your poem is more catching to the reader.

JLY

[Mistral]

Dear JLY,

Honest? I like the 2nd Revison more too. And don't worry about me worrying....I do that well enough on my own! Whenever I change anything, I worry at first that it won't be good enough and don't rely on my own judgement.

Thanks a span for your wonderful help!

M

[Mistral]

Anyone else? Maybe? Just so that I can make sure there's a reason to be happy with this?


Hugs,
M

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Mariana,

I usually come along two or three weeks after a thread is posted and then post my critique. I'm so behind at present, but do be patient, alot of the poetry forums are generally slow this time of year due to the school vacation months and warmer weather (on this side of the pond).

Be back soon!
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Mistral,

I too am running a bit behind on critiques due to off line responsibilities, but thankfully feel I will be spending the next couple of catching up and then, well -

This brings to mind a painting I fell in love with a while ago, a painting called Nature's Little Helper by Jim Warren, who Lori has highlighted in our Image Gallers located ... Gilgamesh Gallery

Where all is dark, but as the beauty of the child walks along the path she leaves things bright and colorful. Your poem brought this to mind, and I was quite delighted in how the storyline flowed. I do believe that there is room for improvement, as I think this poem has a very high potential and could easily reach that state.

I will keep my thoughts on the revision and please, take what helps you and discard what isn't what you want for your poem! I do think that this might do well in Seren's for Free Verse, but for now I am going to offer my thoughts to align it with meter and rhymes...

Either way, I so enjoyed reading this and I hope you will enjoy seeing the painting that it brought to mind!

Best Wishes, Liz

Revison 2

Sylvan Secrets

I like the title. It drew me in, not knowing what to expect and you kept from using it, allowing it to serve as core for the poem.

Gently traipsing through the woods,
unheard, unseen, on tip-toe,
disturbing not a single leaf
upon the forest floor;
this one neither more nor less
stealthy, nor dissimilar
from those who came before,

To my hear this might needs some softening of the meter, it stumbles in a few places ... Lets see...


S1L1, I would add "A" before gently and change gently to gentle
L2, I like tip-toe also, but the line feels awkward, it needs another beat- perhaps ...

unheard, unseen, on tippy toe

L5/6/7 left me a little confused the nor's and neither's seems to avoid connecting to the subject for me. Might be just me... perhaps ...

A gentle traipsing through the woods;
unheard, unseen, on tippy-toe,
disturbing not a single leaf
upon the forest floor;
this one is neither more nor less
as stealthy, or dissimilar
from others that had come before.

Of course this has lots of room for improvement as well - just an example of softening the edges and getting more uniform so the read as a ease of the tongue.
I don't see a set pattern for end rhymes so are you reaching for a R&M poem? ...

whilst trees quietly whisper
cognitions of secret passings,
theirs to keep, evermore,

I think because you opened the poem up with the above format, I think it would prove wise to continue it ... even if that means adding more detail and images to the story to complete it...

Example: *it combines this stanza and the final stanza to create a structure much like your first stanza.

Whilst the air quietly whispers,
and treesong rustlings ride the breeze,
as cognitions of such passings
secrets keep, evermore -
for every step this traveler takes
it leaves in its magical wake
a lush, and verdant green outpour

each step this traveler takes
leaves in its magical wake
a lush and green outpour.

Please use what is fitting to your intentions and discard the rest..


Best Wishes, Liz

[Peterpan]

Hi Mariana~

I like the pathway you create. It is in rhythm, words and visual. Excellent!

PP

[Mistral]

Dear Cleo,

Just come over to Joburg and give me a thorough wack! I tend to be terribly impatient (my biggest vice!) and thought this, my baby, was overlooked by everyone except JLY.

Dear Liz,
That's an awesome revision and I thank you dearly for your time. I will be adopting some of your suggestions, that's for certain, but not all. Because this poem is my little baby, I want to try and keep as much of myself in it as possible, especially the italic part. Also, the seperation, to me, ads a bit of extra hushed secrecy instead of having a perfect flow from the 1st stanza. Maybe it's just my imagination? I know the way it is now is not perfect structure, but I do so love to play around a bit sometimes. Still, I hope the changes I have made will carry your approval.

Dear Bev,
Thank you, girl, you are way too kind!

Hugs all,
M