Myturne again, rev'd, Urturne Options

[Merlin]

Nocturne

He sits and watches clouds as they perform
their evening romp in rouge and twilight masks;
these casts of thespians accomplish tasks,
dispensing scenes a cut above the norm.
In phantom blue, a hazy castle looms,
a shadow figment filled with youthful dreams
like Ludwig's Schwanstein, built from welkin schemes,
while breakers' ebbing surf dispels his gloom.
His thoughts find wings and drift off on their own
to Jennifer, the love he left behind
in Winnipeg; she still torments his mind
despite untallied seasons. Time has flown.

A nightbird's call disrupts his reverie
but cannot grant his wish to set him free.




Original

He sits upon a log and watches clouds
don evening costumes, rouge and twilight masks
in preparation for their playhouse tasks
to conjure fantasies and woo small crowds.
Above horizon lines, a castle looms,
a shadow figment filled with youthful dreams
like Ludwig's Schwanstein, built from whimsy schemes,
while breakers' ebbing surf dispels his gloom.
His thoughts find wings and drift off on their own
to Jennifer, the love he left behind *
in Winnipeg; she still torments his mind
despite untallied seasons. Time has flown.

A nightbird calls and breaks his reverie;
one question lingers: when will he be free?


* love replaces girl, thx, Cathy

Neu Schwanstein

for more pics

I have given my two-scents worth on numerous occasions, so feel it is fair to be on the receiving end. This one follows a particular picture motivation, and has 6-words that are not allowed. The picture shows a man sitting on the seashore where the sun is setting and waves roll in. Above the sun, there is a castle in the air. Words not allowed are:tower, sunset/sunrise, beach or shore, ocean/sea, sky, alone/lonely, and their forms.

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
I just might go mad over Ludwig!
The castle he built is available by googling Mad Ludwig.
No nits.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Merlin,

The castle that Ludwig kept changing in search of perfection that never was completed. The same picturesque structure Walt Disney incorporated into DisneyLand.

Very appropos for Disney to use it in his fantasy park since Ludwig attempted to embody a dream.

Nice tribute Merlin.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Merlin,

What a wonderful job you've done with this considering the words you were'nt allowed to use. Your imagery is really something! A most enjoyable poem indeed!

Cathy

He sits upon a log and watches clouds
don evening costumes, rouge and twilight masks
in preparation for their playhouse tasks
to conjure fantasies and woo small crowds.

I absolutely love your description of a sunset! It's totally unique and such fun! LOL

Above horizon lines, a castle looms,
a shadow figment filled with youthful dreams
like Ludwig's Schwanstein, built from whimsy schemes,
while breakers' ebbing surf dispels his gloom.
His thoughts find wings and drift off on their own
to Jennifer, the girl he left behind Maybe the 'love' he left behind?
in Winnipeg; she still torments his mind
despite untallied seasons. Time has flown.

A nightbird calls and breaks his reverie;
one question lingers: when will he be free?

[Merlin]

A perfect substitution, Cathy. Thank you.

Thanks Don & Ron, I'll get back later after work.

Merlin

[Merlin]

Hi again, Ron, Don & Cathy.
I'm happy you enjoyed my little contribution from the fatherland - and I must tell you I'm not Barvarian. That said, I don't know a lot about Ludwig, other than his penchant for fantasy castles. He basically used all the funds to build his dreams, thereby enabling the Hohenzollern clan of Prussia to become emperors, rather than his own clan since Bismarck paid Bavaria's debts at unification time. Oddly, Bavarians still bear a grudge.

It's good that the sunset scene plays out, and I hope the loneliness feeling does also.

Thank you for reading and commenting.

Merlin

[Mary Boren]

Enjoyed the poem and the education, Merlin. Thanks for both. That's some bedroom.

-M.

[Michelle]

Hey Merlin. Your writing is so fluent. It has an ease that floats your poems on the page. I think this one is fantastic. I, too, gained knowledge through this thread. I see nothing to change either. This one is an example of great writing, imo.

well done,

Michelle

[Merlin]

Thank you much for comments, Mary, Michelle.

Yeah, Ludwig's shack sure puts my little tool shed to shame!

Glad you looked in and found something to enjoy.

Merlin

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Ah, Ludwig. Isn't that castle something else? It's wonderous.


I also enjoyed your work of fantasy. ( 'I've looked at clouds from both sides now...)


He sits upon a log and watches clouds
don evening costumes, rouge and twilight masks
in preparation for their playhouse tasks
to conjure fantasies and woo small crowds.

I know you try to avoid 'the,' but 'small crowds' is a spondee, attracting too much stress for a small crowd.


Above horizon lines, a castle looms,

Plural? How many horizon lines do you have over there, Merlin?


a shadow figment filled with youthful dreams * Nice.

like Ludwig's Schwanstein, built from whimsy schemes,

I admire the way Ludwig's Schwanstein fits iambs, but 'built from whimsy schemes' is not grammatically correct. 'whimsy's schemes' is OK, but I guess you didn't want all the s sounds.


while breakers' ebbing surf dispels his gloom.
His thoughts find wings and drift off on their own
to Jennifer, the love he left behind *
in Winnipeg; she still torments his mind
despite untallied seasons. Time has flown.

Sweet lines. They flow well and are elegantly expressed.

A nightbird calls and breaks his reverie;
one question lingers: when will he be free?

The last line isn't up to the standard of the rest, Merlin. At least, it isn't for me. I want more of a kick.

At present there's some uncertainty about who 'he' is. It sounds like it is the bird.

[Merlin]

Hi Kathy,
Many thanks for dropping in with your thoughts. I'll be on the road this weekend, so will consider a number of the points, including that "he" down in the bottom.

As to the horizon lines - that's one spot I did debate before going with it. There's only 1 horizon of course, but lines appear in plural state. I'll link the picture below for anyone able to access ezboard. It seems my sunset description comes across, and hopefully the fact that the fellow is looking across the sea. Therefore, I can't have multiple lines of land, mountain, forest, etc. Still, at lands end (water here) there is the line made by the sea, the line of the clouds above, the sun itself (circular line), the "V" created by the sunset, the straight lines cast by the sun's reflection, and those once again in the clouds; so multiple lines do exist.
It's good to know your eye also picked up on that note.

I'll revisit the whimsy schemes - it probably isn't the best choice since the first "Sch" is "sh" in Schwanstein, and then "sch" in scheme is "sk". btw, in German grammar, a "t" or "p" following an "s" creates automatically a "sh" sound. Stein is pronounced sh-tine. That's where the fun between English and German comes in!

Small crowds will get another look, altho I'm not much concerned by tossing in the odd spongee here and there. At this stage of my writing, I no longer go for meter perfection, rather enjoy giving the reader a little jolt when I can. The trouble with sunsets is that they are really only appreciated by a few people when they see one - so large crowds isn't a choice here. Actually, no crowds are, but it's dependent on what one understands as a crowd, like 3's a crowd.

As said, you've given me things to ponder over as I sit behind the wheel. I'll see what I can come up with.

Best,

Merlin



Click here for picture

[Merlin]

As mentioned, I reworked this while sitting behind the wheel with nothing better to do. Here's the outcome. I've tweaked certain words, juggled others to avoid rhyme problems, and revamped a few lines. The couplet got some adjustment to beef it up.

Hopefully this improves things.

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Merlin,

Though I should not be surprised by your skill, your revision does improve the read.

Maybe the metaphor is that perfection can be improved.

Don

[heartsong7]

Luvin' this!
I enjoyed the first but the revision is even better.
Wonderfully imaginative sunset scene.
nice work, wizard man.
sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

This is a FAB response poem! I'll be back to re-read this one for sure! The sonics are spot on, rhymes aren't forced and the story unfolds and leaves me wishing night was something more....

One comment on: "His thoughts find wings and drift off on their own" - do they 'find wings' or 'take wing' ?

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Thank you for commenting, Don, Sue, & Lori.

Your replies are always welcome.
That's an interesting note, Lori - I'm left wondering if there are other opinions regarding the "take wing" or "find wings" matter. To me, they're basically the same and it's an either/or situation. I don't really see much difference. It would interest me to see what others think.

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

I'm left wondering if there are other opinions regarding the "take wing" or "find wings" matter. To me, they're basically the same and it's an either/or situation. I don't really see much difference. It would interest me to see what others think.

Merlin

Like you, Merlin, I detect insignificant difference. My preference in this context is "...find wings..."

Don

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
Sorry I missed this but then you can predict my comments.
Re the "wing" question, using don for take or find adds alliteration.
Nicely done as always!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

I've just taken another looksie at your revision and I think this is wonderful piece - you've added your own theatrical 'drama' with your word choices and rhythms. I can visualize the scene of a theatre and the cast playing out, and while the focus is on them, I like how you lead us to the person watching - his thoughts drifting to a lost love and then the closing couplet, summarizing the loss of both time and her. Even though we so not know the background, I sense the loss too.

Well done- I am going to nominate this one for the IBPC - please check your PM.....

Cheers
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Thanks for the nod, Cleo.

Even while the majority of winners are FV, it's always good to plunk a formal one before the judge. Ya never know.

I kinda enjoyed this one since it had disallowed words and one needed to create a word picture.

Merlin