 A Tell-tale Emotion (Revision 2), Senryu-three lines |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jun 4 10, 19:16
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#1
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 Greek  Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in  |
A Tell-tale Emotion (Revision 2)
Dread, veneration, wonder on your ashen face- clear, unbridled awe - A Tell-tale Emotion (Revision 1) An unbridled awe -- wonder, dread, veneration on your ashen face. Peggy Carpenter Harwood A senryu is a three-line, unrhymed Japanese poem that illuminates the human condition or clarifies or illustrates human nature. Sometimes it also uses irony. First line : 5 syllables Second line : 7 syllables Third line : 5 syllables Which one below do you think sounds best? A Tell-tale Emotion (Senryu) Dread, veneration and wonder on ashen face announce your clear awe. Peggy Carpenter Harwood or A Tell-tale Emotion Dread, veneration and wonder on your pale face announce a clear awe. Peggy Carpenter Harwood ·······  ······· |
  
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Jun 4 10, 19:49
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Peggy,
Of the two I prefer the second and will offer a suggestion to flip the 1st and 3rd lines to give a bit more punch and reveal a bit less... (perhaps a slight change to something along the lines that would start off with a question for ther reader (show us an emotion through words); also I suggest you not use the word 'and' in L2. Unfounded awe -- wonder on an ashen face Dread, veneration Enjoyed the read, ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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Jun 4 10, 19:55
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#3
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Greek Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
Hi Cleo,
Thanks so much for your opinion and suggestion!!! I much appreciate the response!!!! I'll put my thinking cap on again!!!  Peggy ······· ······· |
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Jun 5 10, 00:46
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#4
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Peggy,
I too prefer # 2, but with sligh amendment : Tell-tale (Senryu) Dread, veneration and wonder on ashen face tell of your clear awe. You see I have shortened you title as well, and have it echo (my) version of your last line. Adopt, adapt, or chuck ! Nice thought being woven into words. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jun 5 10, 08:52
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#5
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
This is coming along Peggy.
 I like the swaps you've made! Now, here's a new q to get ya thinking again: Can there be a specific 'event' for L2 instead of stating wonder, dread, veneration ? We kow there is an unbridled awe and the reaction: ashen face - now as a reader I want to know what caused it? Good luck! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jun 5 10, 10:02
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#6
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Greek Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
Hi Cleo and Alan,
I wasn't able to log on to MM earlier this morning for some reason. Therefore, I wrote a new version, Revision 2. I changed the order some. Alan, I am seriously considering dropping the two words "The" and "Emotion" out of the title as you suggested. Cleo, a friend of mine read two new poems and was awe struck. I'll have to think about whether to work or try to work that in. Right now I'm on the fence a bit. Thank you both so much for your carefully considered and welcome insights and suggestions!!! Peggy ······· ······· |
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