 Comfort in the Sand, Rhyme |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
  Jun 2 10, 02:19
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#1
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 Babylonian  Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle  |
Comfort in the Sand
They walk the sandy desert Searching for love, affection. Empty stomach, empty heart matted hair, skin with infection. A young soldier in the desert weary, alone and very brave. Lonely mind, lonely heart losing friends he could not save. Soldier and dog find each other seeking comfort in the middle of war. The maker of the stars looked down with love for He knew each was worth fighting for. Kim Rodriguez ·······  ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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Jun 3 10, 03:58
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#2
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Kimi,
I want you to know that I read your poems, but find it very difficult to comment as you clearly have a strong faith which I simply do not share. I feel I would be treading on egg-shells, and although you may well say you're OK with that, I feel I am not .... Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jun 3 10, 12:23
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#3
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 Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hello Kimi -
I think you have a wonderful idea here...how both the soldier and dog are able to endure hardships. It is very common for new writers to 'tell' a story rather than 'show' a story and that's what you've done....told us rather than shown us. I believe you are on the right track (showing) with the title of your poem, Comfort in the Sand (great title). Take a look at Anaisa's poem, Balboa Summers, it's a perfect example of how to show a story. And practice, practice, practice...you'll get there! Robin ······· ······· |
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Jun 3 10, 13:07
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#4
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Love it. I will be back. Hugs Bev ······· ······· |
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Jun 3 10, 23:18
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#5
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Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
QUOTE (Alan @ Jun 3 10, 04:58 )  Dear Kimi, I want you to know that I read your poems, but find it very difficult to comment as you clearly have a strong faith which I simply do not share. I feel I would be treading on egg-shells, and although you may well say your OK with that, I feel I am not .... Love Alan Thank you alan for your honest comment, i completely understand. if you are able to assist me with the technical aspect of my writing, i would appreciate it. hugs Kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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Jun 3 10, 23:21
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#6
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Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
Robin,
Thank you so much for sending me to anaisa's poem, i read it over and over and am getting a feel for showing and telling. It was a perfect poem for me to see the difference. showing and telling is something i was not aware of and i can see how it changes the poem. many thanks. hugs kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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Jun 3 10, 23:23
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#7
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Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
QUOTE (Peterpan @ Jun 3 10, 14:07 ) Love it. I will be back. Hugs Bev Hi Bev, Thanks for stopping by, i am so glad you liked it and i look forward to your feedback. hugs kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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Jun 3 10, 23:51
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#8
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Kimi,
Thank you. The main thing I hope to do is even more basic than technical. The sort of kind and helpful comments you've had here might put a new writer off, but please do not let this happen to you. All of us bother to point out things like show/tell BECAUSE we see merit in your work, rather than the opposite. There are plenty of poetry sites where some specialize in tearing work, and the poet, to pieces, why, I do not know. Here, it is rather like a jeweller polishing up a diamond in order to bring up the highlights, and to reveal the true worth in a rough gem. So take this as huge encouragement, rather than a downer ! You clearly have something to say, which is the first requirement of a poet, so keep saying it ! Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jun 4 10, 12:09
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#9
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Babylonian Posts: 83 Joined: 25-March 06 From: Tampa FL (born in New Zealand) Member No.: 153 Writer of: Poetry |
Hey kimi,
don't sweat it, it seems like you're open to learning, and that's a good attitude to have. I think the key things in this are the beatdown, the bedraggled solider and dog, loss, displacement, but as mentioned, these things are sort of put there almost because they are meant to tug at the heart' strings rather than being explored or earning their keep. I'd try another one. db |
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Jun 4 10, 17:43
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#10
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Kimi
I really like the thoughts behind this piece and feel it can easily be improved. Some things to remember: Try to find different words from the more usual. Try not to use similar words together that mean more or less the same. Here are some thoughts for you to consider (I’ve also tried to smooth the flow): Comfort in the Sand I love this title, it's so appropriate! They [walk] trudge the [sandy] baking desert Searching for love, affection. Empty stomach, empty heart matted hair, skin with infection. L1 –perhaps something like ‘trudge’ instead of walk. A desert is sandy, so find another description – perhaps baking/red-hot L2 love & affection have similar meanings Here is a different way of saying yout thoughts: They trudge across the baking desert searching solace and affection stomachs gnaw with emptiness bodies aching with infection. A young soldier in the desert weary, alone and very brave. Lonely mind, lonely heart losing friends he could not save. Personally I’d miss this verse out as you’ve said much of it in Verse 1 and it says nothing new Soldier and dog find each other seeking comfort in the middle of war. The maker of the stars looked down with love [for He knew] knowing each was worth fighting for. I think this stanza need to be more descriptive I love 'the maker of stars' - can be more concise as 'star maker. A lost dog finds the soldier, wags his tail with pleasure to find friendship in the war. The star-maker looked down with love knowing both were worth fighting for. I hope something here helps in some way. Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Jun 4 10, 23:38
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#11
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Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
QUOTE (Alan @ Jun 4 10, 00:51 ) Dear Kimi, Thank you. The main thing I hope to do is even more basic than technical. The sort of kind and helpful comments you've had here might put a new writer off, but please do not let this happen to you. All of us bother to point out things like show/tell BECAUSE we see merit in your work, rather than the opposite. There are plenty of poetry sites where some specialize in tearing work, and the poet, to pieces, why, I do not know. Here, it is rather like a jeweller polishing up a diamond in order to bring up the highlights, and to reveal the true worth in a rough gem. So take this as huge encouragement, rather than a downer ! You clearly have something to say, which is the first requirement of a poet, so keep saying it ! Love Alan Alan, I would very much appreciate the basic, and not to worry about putting me off. I very much enjoy this site and all it has to offer. I also do not understand the tearing down the poet. This site has so many gifted poets that I am learning just by reading alot of what is posted. Thank you for the encouragement, and I look forward to your comments. hugs kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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Jun 4 10, 23:41
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#12
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Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
Daniel,
Thank you very much for your feed back, and yes I understand and will start working on another one, I will try to use showing and not so much telling. hugs kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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Jun 4 10, 23:45
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#13
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Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
Dear Snow,
Your critiques have helped so much. I hope you dont mind that i printed them off to keep. I really like the changes you made and can see the difference between the two. Choice of words make or break it, and I need to stay away from the basic terms and not repeat myself. Thank you so much. hugs kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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Jun 5 10, 11:09
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#14
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 Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Kimi,
This is a nice poem. I just wanted to add that Snow's critique seemed to make it much more concise, can't wait to see your revision! K ······· ······· |
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Jun 5 10, 15:20
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#15
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Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
Hi Anaisa
Thank you, I two feel snow's critique helped a great deal, I am currently working on a revision. I hope to have it done soon. hugs kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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