Babble Options

[Guest_sandiegopoet_*]

Babble

Waves upon waves of syllables
crashed onto a shore of open ears,
relentless as surf upon sand.
Some called for small fishes to unite
against the larger ones. Others lauded
the glory and the power of the bigger fish.
A few berated the moon for how it gave,
then took away, terrain. And always,
the ocean was too cold, or too warm,
or so "just right" that everyone must know.

Those of us who lived upon the bluffs
that overlooked the sea heard
the endless phonemes not as missives
or declarations. We heard them
as early man turned his senses toward
the breeze fingering the woodwind
of the cave door, or as a child, who wakes
in the morning, and listens to the chirping
of the birds, and the broom of the evergreen
raking bristles against the eaves.

* * * * *

[Eisa]

Hi there

This is an interesting one and I like the metaphor you have used.
A few thoughts


Babble

Unusual title - drew me in here

Waves upon waves of syllables

I have been used to hearing the words 'wave upon wave' - the plural is unusual, although might still be regarded a bit cliche. Perhaps something more descriptive, like
swelling/building waves of syllables

crashed onto a shore of open ears,

I like this line

relentless as surf upon sand.
Some called for small fishes to unite
against the larger ones. Others lauded
the glory and the power of the bigger fish.
A few berated the moon for how it gave,
then took away, terrain. And always,
the ocean was too cold, or too warm,
or so "just right" that everyone must know.

Perhaps instead of 'small' fishes and 'larger' one - use more descriptive words eg

tiny/insignificant ... massive/immense/enormous

I'd be tempted to put just right in italics

Those of us who lived upon the bluffs
that overlooked the sea heard
the endless phonemes not as missives
or declarations. We heard them
as early man turned his senses toward
the breeze fingering the woodwind
of the cave door, or as a child, who wakes
in the morning, and listens to the chirping
of the birds, and the broom of the evergreen
raking bristles against the eaves.

I like St2 best of all - its fresher

I hope something i've said might help - if not just ignore

Snow

[saore]

Fred I really liked the second stanza of this poem. This is perhaps the most simple of your poems that I have read (that is a good thing). I do agree with the first line of the first stanza being somewhat of a cliche, but I kind of think you are using it to stress a point, and sometimes a cliche can't be avoided. I would use the singular. Just a thought.

Sergio

[Guest_sandiegopoet_*]

I will have more to say later. For now, I want to thank you -- Sergio and Snow -- for your comments and suggestions.

Fred

[Daniel Barlow]

I think there's a bit of fat that could be trimmed in the first strophe and for me it's a bit of a reach in that this poem is a wise man built his house upon the rocks poem, in which case I think the lack of clarity, and the bareness or obviousness of what you are trying to set up comes across as being manufactured. The second strophe, by comparison, is very natural, and is more subtle, so I think you need to pair the one with the other better, and then you'll have a good poem.

db