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 May 2 10, 03:18
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#1
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 Babylonian  Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy  |
Is it not true
that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, but rather in eternal, luminous springs nurturing the throbbing nucleus of our souls. They lay within our grasp and yet so often, forgotten… |
  
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May 2 10, 19:10
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#2
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hello James,
I do like how you have formed this and the message within. I do see some punctuation changes to be made. [] = delete ()= add Is it not true [?] that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie [,] hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, but rather in [the] eternal, luminous springs [that] nurtur(ing) the throbbing nucleus of our souls (.) [All] (They lay) within our grasp and yet(,) so often [,] forgotten... Ofcourse you can choose to take or toss Dani ·······  ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner     |
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May 2 10, 23:27
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi James,
I like the questioning tone of this mystical piece very much. I have one or two suggestions for you to take or toss, as usual. QUOTE (hellfire @ May 2 10, 10:18 )  Is it not true? <<<<<<<<< remove question mark here. that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie, <<<<<<<<< no need for comma here, it interrupts the flow. hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, but rather in [the] eternal , <<<<<<<< 'the' is unnecessary. luminous springs [that nurtures] <<<<<<<<< 'nurturing' the throbbing nucleus of our souls All within our grasp and yet so often, forgotten… I like your finale, it's so true & sad that in our modern, rushing society this basic wisdom escapes our attention. Fewer people take time off for meditation. A fine poem appealing to our innermost self, before it becomes too late. Sylvia ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner          |
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May 2 10, 23:34
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#4
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Babylonian Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy |
thnak you dani for the comments and suggestions. much appreciated
regards helfire |
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May 2 10, 23:42
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#5
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Babylonian Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy |
thank you sylvia
the changes are in effect. much appreciated regards james |
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May 3 10, 00:09
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#6
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hey James! That was a quick rev. I think it's beautifully polished now, whereas the essence of your poem remains the same. Congrats, I hope more people spy this profound piece. Sylvia ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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May 3 10, 01:03
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#7
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear James,
Well, I think I get what you are saying, and if I have it right, it is a good message. My problem is the sort of double negative within the first sentence, or several lines. The word NOT appears 2x in the first 4 lines, and means that I have to stop to untangle the thought. Perhaps there is a way of recasting it ? BTW, anything I offer by way of crit is for you to view (or not), adopt, adapt, or chuck. Compared to you as the originator of the poem, I am but an annoying mosquito ! Love Alan ······· ······· |
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May 4 10, 10:35
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#8
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Babylonian Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy |
thanks alan
appreciate the feedback regards james |
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May 4 10, 17:34
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#9
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi James
I really like the profound message of this poem and your recent revision. I just have a few thoughts to pass on to you - take or toss! Is it not true that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, but rather in eternal, luminous springs nurturing the throbbing nucleus of our souls. First, I can see Alan's point about the double negative at the beginning. 'Is it not true that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie ....' The way this is worded does not make your message completely clear. I think perhaps a more positive 1st line -- something like 'Surely it's true...' Also - I was once told that if you have a line which has only 1 or 2 words in it, then those words must have great impact. Bearin this message in mind, your 2nd line is 'that' ... which I do not think is particularly strong enough to stand alone. My preference would be Is it not true that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, They lay within our grasp and yet so often, forgotten… I hope something I've said might help in some way, but it is your poem to use or lose as you wish. It is good to read your work, with such a strong message. Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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May 13 10, 23:41
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#10
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 Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi James,
I like the message, and agree with the critique by Dani... You have laid out some "truths" here, without sounding didactic or preachy-it's a nice poem. Karen QUOTE (hellfire @ May 2 10, 04:18 ) Is it not true
that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, but rather in eternal, luminous springs nurturing the throbbing nucleus of our souls. They lay within our grasp and yet so often, forgotten… ······· ······· |
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May 16 10, 01:55
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#11
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Babylonian Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy |
thank you karin
appreciate the comments and support regards james |
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