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> Bewteen empty spaces
hellfire
post Apr 19 10, 03:14
Post #1


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 66
Joined: 14-May 09
Member No.: 798
Real Name: James Carver
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:poppy



And while the fog
rolled upon the moors
of discontent…

She half-smiled
from her dimly lit corner
reliving ecstasy's memories,
again.
He felt
hollow, somehow
Stripped bare
beneath the elements
of this dismal dwelling,
drowning in shades of sepia.
It was all coming undone,
words not spoken, echoing forever
between the halls
of empty spaces
among quiet murmurs
rising,
a murderer's heart

Too heavy was this burden
that weighed
upon his soul,
dreams
once so
anticipated,
so eagerly held
against that soft glimmer
of hope
so long ago,
now turned to dust
and
scattered
with the winds

He wondered, at that moment
if maybe
salvation,
his answer
lay beyond
these sad, empty spaces…
 
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Maggie
post Apr 19 10, 08:45
Post #2


Greek
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Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in



Wow, James!!! Exquisite imo!!!

Peggy


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hellfire
post Apr 19 10, 11:20
Post #3


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 66
Joined: 14-May 09
Member No.: 798
Real Name: James Carver
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:poppy



thank you Peggy. I am glad you enjoyed the piece

kind regards

hellfire
 
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merle
post Apr 19 10, 17:59
Post #4


Assyrian
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Joined: 4-February 09
Member No.: 756
Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Winning Writer's web site



Hi James -

I've always enjoyed your writing, it's uncomplicated and either lifts the reader up or, in this case, takes us down, down, down. You've captured the essence of lives once full of possiblilites have turned to disappointment and how this couple copes or fails to cope. Well done you!

Robin


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saore
post Apr 19 10, 22:36
Post #5


Egyptian
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Joined: 17-May 08
From: San Juan Puerto Rico
Member No.: 508
Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry



I don't usually like poems dealing with salvation, but I must say that I liked this one very much. It makes for a nice read, your word choice is wonderful, the poem is evocative. Great job Hellfire!

Sergio


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hellfire
post Apr 20 10, 02:56
Post #6


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 66
Joined: 14-May 09
Member No.: 798
Real Name: James Carver
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:poppy



thank you Merle for your continued support.i am glad you enjoyed the piece.

kind regards

hellfire
 
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Guest_Mostafa Youssef_*
post Apr 20 10, 18:11
Post #7





Guest






Loved its simplicity! The fog spirit and the vague yet tense feelings were brilliant, your depiction of the burden was really good!
 
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hellfire
post Apr 21 10, 09:34
Post #8


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 66
Joined: 14-May 09
Member No.: 798
Real Name: James Carver
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:poppy



thank you sergio

your comments are much appreciated

regards

hellfire
 
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Guest_iverhyck_*
post Apr 25 10, 04:53
Post #9





Guest






Very touching words, my friend.
As usual I like how you realized your ideas.
Konstantin.
 
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Siren
post Apr 26 10, 08:39
Post #10


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Posts: 1,547
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From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry



Hey James.

It's lovely to venture into your words again and find a wealth of emotion between your lines. Such powerful emotion. Such strength and weakness. You have a lot of amazing thoughts here and I'll go through them bit by bit.

And while the fog
rolled upon the moors
of discontent…

I love the opening. It draws you into the story. Suddenly you are overpowered by the emotions. Lovely! I do though suggest you italicize... and maybe remove "the"

She half-smiled
from her dimly lit corner
reliving ecstasy's memories,
again.

"reliving" and "again" are kind of redundant... so you should remove one... also I chose "rapturous" for alliteration. I also suggest you combine the upper part with the begining

He felt
hollow, somehow
Stripped bare
beneath the elements
of this dismal dwelling,
drowning in shades of sepia.
It was all coming undone,
words not spoken, echoing forever
between the halls
of empty spaces
among quiet murmurs
rising,
a murderer's heart

I see so much beauty here. Like "drowning in shades of sepia"... though the shades of sepia are considered warm colors, there is a coldness here because of the emptiness. I'll put my suggestion below


Too heavy was this burden
that weighed
upon his soul,
dreams
once so
anticipated,
so eagerly held
against that soft glimmer
of hope
so long ago,
now turned to dust
and
scattered
with the winds

You are telling us of the burden... what burden? the emptiness?

He wondered, at that moment
if maybe
salvation,
his answer
lay beyond
these sad, empty spaces.

I like this but it seems to be more of a narrative thought than a poem so I have a few suggestions for you to take or toss.

Here are my suggested changes:

And while the fog
rolled upon the moors
of discontent...
She half-smiled
from her dimly lit corner
reliving rapturous memories.

He felt hollow somehow;
stripped- line break here for dramatic effect
bared beneath the elements
of this dismal dwelling.
He drowned in shades of sepia.

It was all coming undone.
Unspoken words echoed endlessly alliteration
within the halls.
Those empty spaces
cocooned hushed murmurs
of a rising
murderous heart.

Burderned was his soul.
Its bending weight mirrored
lost dreams once so anticipated;
held eagerly
by ancient soft glimmers of hope,
now turned to dust,
they scatter aimlessly
with the winds.

He sought out the answer
beyond these sad empty spaces,
wondering-- if maybe
salvation would finally come
at his final moment.


I hope this helps and ofcourse you can choose to lose or use anything, or nothing. smile.gif

dani

PS: There is a point I'd like to understand though. Why did you start this with a female point of view and then continue it with a male's? could you clear it up?


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Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones."

MM Award Winner
 
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