Hey James.
It's lovely to venture into your words again and find a wealth of emotion between your lines. Such powerful emotion. Such strength and weakness. You have a lot of amazing thoughts here and I'll go through them bit by bit.
And while the fog
rolled upon the moors
of discontent…
I love the opening. It draws you into the story. Suddenly you are overpowered by the emotions. Lovely! I do though suggest you italicize... and maybe remove "the"She half-smiled
from her dimly lit corner
reliving ecstasy's memories,
again.
"reliving" and "again" are kind of redundant... so you should remove one... also I chose "rapturous" for alliteration. I also suggest you combine the upper part with the beginingHe felt
hollow, somehow
Stripped bare
beneath the elements
of this dismal dwelling,
drowning in shades of sepia.
It was all coming undone,
words not spoken, echoing forever
between the halls
of empty spaces
among quiet murmurs
rising,
a murderer's heart
I see so much beauty here. Like "drowning in shades of sepia"... though the shades of sepia are considered warm colors, there is a coldness here because of the emptiness. I'll put my suggestion belowToo heavy was this burden
that weighed
upon his soul,
dreams
once so
anticipated,
so eagerly held
against that soft glimmer
of hope
so long ago,
now turned to dust
and
scattered
with the winds
You are telling us of the burden... what burden? the emptiness? He wondered, at that moment
if maybe
salvation,
his answer
lay beyond
these sad, empty spaces.
I like this but it seems to be more of a narrative thought than a poem so I have a few suggestions for you to take or toss.Here are my suggested changes:
And while the fog
rolled upon the moors
of discontent...
She half-smiled
from her dimly lit corner
reliving rapturous memories.
He felt hollow somehow;
stripped-
line break here for dramatic effectbared beneath the elements
of this dismal dwelling.
He drowned in shades of sepia.
It was all coming undone.
Unspoken words echoed endlessly
alliterationwithin the halls.
Those empty spaces
cocooned hushed murmurs
of a rising
murderous heart.
Burderned was his soul.
Its bending weight mirrored
lost dreams once so anticipated;
held eagerly
by ancient soft glimmers of hope,
now turned to dust,
they scatter aimlessly
with the winds.
He sought out the answer
beyond these sad empty spaces,
wondering-- if maybe
salvation would finally come
at his final moment.
I hope this helps and ofcourse you can choose to lose or use anything, or nothing.
dani
PS: There is a point I'd like to understand though. Why did you start this with a female point of view and then continue it with a male's? could you clear it up?