Butterflies, 8/08 Challenge for Wordsworth's "I Wandered..." Options

[Larry]

Since hardly anyone visits the halls of Karnak anymore, I thought I'd move this over here for critique or discussion. It's been residing in the cobwebbed shadows over there for a few days.

Butterflies (revised and tweaked)

A million flew, like saffron cloud
adrift above green rolling hills,
descended as a hungry crowd
upon a field of daffodils
which grew among the budding trees
that swayed in time with springtime’s breeze.

Bright wings reflected warm sunshine
attending them upon their way
back home. Although their ragged line
extended far along the bay,
one could discern with just a glance
that all were part of that spring dance

returning home. I watched as they
all shared a festive meal by me:
which turned once saddened mind to gay.
I, gladdened by their company,
and for the sudden change of thought
thanked nature for the smiles she brought.

Were I to speak of this, I’d lie
about that day; my new-found mood.
Spring brought a gift to heart and eye;
for I, in tranquil solitude
perceived a sight soul’s thirst fulfills…
gold butterflies in daffodils.


------------------------------------------------
Butterflies

A family, like saffron cloud
adrift above green rolling hills,
descended as a hungry crowd
upon a field of daffodils.
They grew among the budding trees
that swayed in time with springtime’s breeze.

Bright wings reflected warm sunshine
attending them upon their way
back home. Although a ragged line
extended far along the bay,
one could discern with just a glance
that all were part of that spring dance

of coming home. I watched as they
all shared a festive meal with glee:
which turned once saddened mind to gay.
I, gladdened by their company,
and for the sudden change of thought
thanked nature for the smiles she brought.

Were I to speak of this, I’d lie
about that day; my new-found mood.
Spring brought a gift to heart and eye;
for I, in tranquil solitude
perceived a sight soul’s thirst fulfills…
gold butterflies in daffodils.

Larry D. Jennings

[Alan]

Dear Larry,

After your comment, I tried looking for Karnak's, could not even find it, tho I know it used to exist !

Fine poem, almost certainly better than the original.

Update, a few mins later. Found it, never thought of looking in this group of forums !

Love
Alan

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

This is a beautiful poem, which gladdened my heart this sunny morning.

I will be back later with my thoughts.

Snow

[JLY]

Larry,
This is a very bouncy, festive poem, a harbinger for the season that is upon us.

Your first line:
A family, like saffron cloud - I know the image that you are trying to create but for me the word family doesn't seem to do it justice. I am racking my brain for an example to give you, something that would give more credence to the delicate nature of the butterfly.

I enjoyed the melodic feel and sound of these lines:

They grew among the budding trees
that swayed in time with springtime’s breeze.

You have used both saffron and gold to describe your butterflies, were there any other colors you had thought of or did you only want to depict one color-type?

A very nice read on this chilly Spring morning.

JLY

[Eisa]

Hello again Larry - I've come back with my thoughts which you can take or toss.


Butterflies

I think perhaps a change of title?

A family, like saffron cloud
adrift above green rolling hills,
descended as a hungry crowd
upon a field of daffodils.
They grew among the budding trees
that swayed in time with springtime’s breeze.

Like John, I didn't quite think 'family' fitted, although I don't really know why.

Perhaps something like

'A tribe resembling saffron cloud'

This is a lovely opening stanza to draw the reader in



Bright wings reflected warm sunshine
attending them upon their way
back home. Although [a] their ragged line
extended far along the bay,
one could discern with just a glance
that all were part of that spring dance

of coming home. I watched as they
all shared a festive meal with glee:
which turned once saddened mind to gay.
I, gladdened by their company,
and for the sudden change of thought
thanked nature for the smiles she brought.


I think this stanza is a bit repetitive, with 'glee' 'gay' and 'gladdened'. I liked the inner rhymes of 'saddened' & 'gladdened' though.

Were I to speak of this, I’d lie
about that day; my new-found mood.
Spring brought a gift to heart and eye;
for I, in tranquil solitude
perceived a sight soul’s thirst fulfills…
gold butterflies in daffodils.


L1-2 here are a bit 'telly' and I'm wondering why you would lie?

Last lines build a lovely picture - I can see the scene.

I hope something I've said might help in some way - if not just ignore.
I really enjoyed the read.

Snow

[Larry]

Hi Alan,

Glad you finally found Karnak. I guess the difficulty arises from it being at the bottom of the list. You flatter me when you say my poem is better than the original Wordsworth's poem. Thank you very much but others feel some improvement is necessary.

Again, thanks!

Larry

[Larry]

Hello Eisa & John,

Thanks for stopping in and for the crits. I have edited "Butterflies" now and I think it reads a bit better. Hope you do to.

John, as far as "saffron" and "gold" for the colors of the butterflies, they are essentially the same color but I didn't want to use either of them twice in the same poem. I get your and Eisa's point about "family" and have changed that.

Eisa, the reason I would "lie" is that the stereotypical man should not have his moods change when seeing butterflies feasting on daffodil nectar. The poetic soul, on the other hand is moved by the mere sight of just the butterfly. Besides, "lie" rhymes.

Hope you both like the changes.

Larry

[JLY]

Larry,
I like the changes.
JLY

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

I definitely like your revision changes - this is shaping up nicely. I've had a few more thoughts :-


Bright wings reflected warm sunshine
attending them upon their way
back home. Although their ragged line
extended far along the bay,
one could discern with just a glance
that all were part of that spring dance

returning home. I watched as they
consumed their feast in front of me:
which turned once saddened mind from grey.
I, gladdened by their company,
and for the sudden change of thought
thanked nature for the smiles she brought.

Were I to speak of this, I’d lie
about that day; my new found mood
Spring brought a gift to heart and eye;
for I, in tranquil solitude
perceived a sight soul’s thirst fulfills…
gold butterflies in daffodils.


I still felt that it was a bit repetitive to talk of changing your mind to gay and in the next line say your gladdened. Also, these days 'gay' does predominantly have another meaning (as my young son reminds me when I talk of going to the 'Gay Tower Balloom' when I was young!) I've changed it to 'from grey' perhaps you can think of something else.

Also - 'the sudden change of thought' and 'my new found mood' does seem to be repeating the same ideas again.

I hope this might help - take or toss - just my thoughts.

Snow

[Larry]

Hi Eisa,

I like the "returning home" and shall use that. Can't say the same of "consumed their feast in front of ". Consumed is much too harsh a word when describing butterflies feeding. They would be more like participants in an afternoon tea party with cucumber sandwiches; delicately sipping from china cups. Consumed brings to mind a swarm of locusts descending on the landscape to ravage the countryside, leaving nothing but stubble behind. In your noted L3, "from grey" would be changing the rhyming end words of Wordsworth's poem and I know that is permissible in the crit forums but I'm averse to do this. Besides, gay was a good enough word for Wordsworth, Poe, The Bard, etc. so I shall be keeping that in. If I were the least bit concerned about the various connotations and varied misconceived changes of words utilized today from their actual meaning, I couldn't write anything for fear of someone misunderstanding my meaning.

Hope this reasoning is sound enough for anyone reading this thread.

Thanks again for the help.

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

I had forgotten this was a Wordsworth Challenge - and yes of course you should keep those words in.
I completely accept your thoughts on not using my suggestions - it is you poem, and to be honest what I suggest one day I might change on another. Reading a poem can be very personal to that moment.

You have done very well - I am hopeless at challenges!

Snow

[anaisa]

Hi Larry,

I took a little time to read some of the work here, and had to comment on
your poem. It's lovely. I really don't have a critique to offer, only a small
thought on this line:

that swayed in time with springtime’s breeze.

another variation would be~

that swayed in time with April's breeze...

But that is about all I have to offer. Nice poem!

Karen