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> The Chalk-Hill Blue (revised)
Sekhmet
post Apr 7 10, 01:09
Post #1


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From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
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Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
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Challenge words to be included: leap/ cluster/ emerald/
cabbage/ eclipse/ strain/ harp/ lullaby/ ritual



.


Reduced 31% 432 x 298 (21.96K)


The Chalk Hill Blue

Ornamental, frilly edged, 'fancy' cabbages;

purple, ochre-yellows - vivid emeralds too;


suffer disastrous caterpillar damages,

from clustering grubs of Chalk Hill Blue.


She's peacefully enacting rituals eternal.

depositing her eggs with lullabies of wings.

Ever watchful, devoted, maternal,

whilst winds play harp, on the bean-pole's strings.



Zap them with insecticide - eclipse a generation.


Mankind – one: Lepidoptera – nil.


A great leap forward for, 'civilisation'.

Yet Nature takes the strain, as she always will.


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Thoth
post Apr 10 10, 08:17
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Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral



Hi Leo,

I don't know a lot about butterflies but I do know many species are enviro specific and thus susceptible to extinction. I assume the Chalk hill blue is in this category.

The poem is delightfully readable and very clear in the message for conservation delivered. Technically, a good r&m offering especially considering it stems from an x10 challenge. A difficult form and complex metre too, the rhymes are unusual and interesting interwoven with pin sharp images. To me, "The Chalk Hill Blue" is very well written indeed.

S2 was my fav. part, esp playing harp on the bean-pole's strings!

"She's peacefully enacting rituals eternal.
depositing eggs with lullabies of wings.
Ever watchful, devoted, maternal,
whilst winds play harp, on the bean-pole's strings."

Great stuff indeed!

If you want to polish this one more, I can offer some suggestions, but really there is not a lot to crit. I will have to ponder on it at length. The only nit if I were pressed is the complexity of the structure which makes a mouthful at times. There again it is precisely that which I enjoy in this piece, so where does one go?

I am impressed once more with the continued improvement in your writing prowess over the short time you have been active on this forum. Two years ago I dare say you would not have attempted something so ambitious as this, let alone get it right!


Hugz,

Wally


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Sekhmet
post Apr 11 10, 03:53
Post #3


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From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all



Wally - that was the most encouraging review I have ever received - I rate your oppinion; so I thank you warmly.
Of course I would appreciate any help you can give me in improving the rhythm - feel free to fire away.
I had John Masefield's, 'Cargoes' running through my mind when I wrote it - and although I didn't deliberately copy the rhythm - I am pretty sure, looking back, that I was influenced by it.
That voluptuous line, ' Quinquereme of Nineveh from distant Ophir' has always been my top opening line for any poem.
I do hope you are climbing that hill back to normal function!
Love, Leo


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