Deleted for publishing Options

[saore]

Nightmares, Secrets, and Museums -
deleted for publishing

[Thoth]

Sergio,

All I can say is goosbumps rose on my back.

I hope that perhaps one day I can write like you.

Thank you.

Wally

[saore]

No, no. Don't say that. I've read a few of your poems and they are really good, so please... Thank you Wally.


Sergio

[Siren]

Hey Sergio,
It's nice to delve into one of yours again. Your approach to human mortality is incredibly unique. I will comment further below.

Think of me as Dionysus,
home resting, with a fetus in my leg,
as lasting less than a candle or a rock.

Dionysus, the god of wine and fertility. Why is the fetus on the leg? do you imply that the weight on you is too heavy to carry? want to offer a slight punctuation nit in L1 and the last line in the S just fumbles for me.

Think of me as Dionysus;
home resting, with a fetus in my leg,
lasting less than a candle or a rock.

This road we travel is gust,
shake, unexpected vibration
on earth's surface—it doesn't fancy us here.

For me this part is a bit choppy and am not so sure about using "gust". Perhaps using it as a verb would make it smoother? not sure. I made some line breaks for dramatic effect and thought italicising the end part would make a stronger impact. It's is how I would like to read it.

This road we travel
gusts... shakes;
unexpected vibrations on earth's surface.
It doesn't fancy us here.


We barely have time to learn
a few lessons, then we’re gone.
Grapes shrivel, leaves fade back
to their sepia dwellings.

I love this above part the most because it is the core of your message. The heart in this body. The fact that we are mortal staring us in the face. I still have some line breaks suggestions.

Barely having time
to learn a few lessons,
we are gone.
Grapes shrivel as leaves fade back
to their sepia dwellings.


Think of me as wordless translations
of poems breathing in the silent spaces
all over this museum, as secrets
in a secret language.

MMMM.... will dabble a bit here. Ofocurse this is your work and this is just my humble opinion.

Think of me,
poems' wordless translations
breathing in the silent spaces
all over this museum.
Am an endless flow of secrets,
suspired in an alien tongue.

It was great reading you again.

Dani

[saore]

Thank you Siren. I liked some of your suggestions and have edited accordingly.

Sergio

[Guest_mojave_*]

Saore--

i love the leaps and flights of this poem. its ability to delight unexpectedly.

Nightmares, Secrets, and Museums -

i also saw empty dance recital studios, dripping pipes under a tenement.


Think of me as Dionysus;

i think of the declarative openings from great modern literature---the opening of moby dick--- call me ishmael.

the opening of ulysses....plump buck mulligan...

I salute lame Dionysus (i'd have him killing time by learning Spanish).



wished for not this....

This road we travel


just too close an echo to "the road less travelled..."



very much enjoyed the close:



With barely enough time
to learn a few lessons, we are gone.
Grapes shrivel as leaves fade
to their sepia dwellings.

Think of me as wordless translations
of poems breathing in the silent spaces
all over this museum, as secrets
in a secret language.


a delight.



consider---


o the Roaring Wind

What syllable are you seeking, Vocalissimus, In the distances of sleep? Speak it.--Wallace Stevens (Harmonium)



bernie

[hellfire]

defintely one of the best works i have come across for a long while.what you have created here is pure gold in the poetic sense.your word-choices are spot on and blends well with overall feel of the piece.not much to add only that you have motivated me to improve my work.well enjoyed and thanks for the gift.

regards

hellfire

[saore]

Dear friends,

thank you. I am sorry I am so late in responding to your critiques, but I was extremely depressed and thought it would be better if I waited until this bipolar episode was over before replying. I have been known to misunderstand people when I am having one of these episodes and I want to keep everyone's peace. I didn't want to stir up any waves.

The poem has been accepted for publication just recently. I want to thank all of you for your help.

Sergio