BEWARE! ~ Revised Nov 7, 06 - Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews

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BEWARE! ~ Revised Nov 7, 06, Quatrain Refrain

Guest_Cathy_*	Oct 30 06, 13:08 Post #1
Guest	Thanks Liz and John! BEWARE! ~ Revision 1 A token sneer clings to his face; shall shadows claim a restless soul? Breaths evanesce without a trace, so spooky goblins then extol grave haunts of Halloween this night. As mortal heartbeats keep apace of scary visions breeding fright, a token sneer clings to his face in darkness laced with secrecy. Beware! Will vampires take their toll while witches chant pot-brewed decrees... shall shadows claim a restless soul? Odd creatures wand'ring far and near will do their deeds, show no disgrace or tremble not with wretched fear; breaths evanesce without a trace. Demented midnight dalliance exploiting hours of hallowed stroll, beware! you wage the consequence... so spooky goblins then extol. Cathy Bollhoefer copyright Oct 30, 06 S1 L3 & S4 L4 - Each breath shall vanish without trace S5 L3 - though you shall wage the consequence soul secrecy will mortal cling vanish vision(s) breath shadow(s) token BEWARE! ~ Original A token smile clings to his face while shadows claim a restless soul, then breath shall vanish without trace as spooky goblins will extol the haunts of Halloween this night. As mortal heartbeats keep apace with scary visions breeding fright, a token smile clings to his face in darkness laced with secrecy... Beware! The vampires take their toll and witches chant pot-brewed decrees while shadows claim a restless soul. The creatures wand'ring far and near will do their deeds, show no disgrace and tremble not with wretched fear, then breath shall vanish without trace. The midnight monster dalliance enjoy their path of hallowed stroll, and you shall pay the consequence... as spooky goblins will extol. Cathy Bollhoefer copyright Oct 30, 06

Alan View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Oct 31 06, 03:26 Post #2
Laureate Legionnaire Group: Gold Member Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends	Dear Cathy, Very skilful challenge reply ! Love Alan ·············· MM Award Winner

Guest_Cathy_*	Oct 31 06, 07:18 Post #3
Guest	Thanks Alan!

AMETHYST View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Nov 1 06, 23:52 Post #4
Ornate Oracle Group: Gold Member Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter	Hi Cathy, You've made a Elizabeth Created Formed Poem! YEAHHHHH! The subject seems to compliment the form with an exciting sense of fitting holiday tone! Excellent use of the form and a strong use of your poetic tools to enhance and vividily draw on the theme. Let's see what I can see... Hugs, Liz Thanks for trying on a Quatrain Refrain, Lori came up with the Name for the form, isn't she cool! QUOTE BEWARE! Love the title. It gives off an automatic sense of enter at your own risk! LOL A token smile clings to his face while shadows claim a restless soul, then breath shall vanish without trace as spooky goblins will extol S1: Perhaps grin instead of smile. It sounds more hideous, and has a nice intro sound blending into clings. In L3, sounds a little of a stumble, I keep wanting to say each breath, also without a trace, perhaps ... each breath vanishes without a trace each breath shall vanish with no trace the haunts of Halloween this night. As mortal heartbeats keep apace with scary visions breeding fright, a token smile clings to his face I like this stanza. L2, I like the inclusion of mortal heartbeats, in darkness laced with secrecy... Beware! The vampires take their toll and witches chant pot-brewed decrees while shadows claim a restless soul. Great use of the refrained lines. This flows so smooth into a natural and maintains a good sense of meaning. The creatures wand'ring far and near will do their deeds, show no disgrace and tremble not with wretched fear, then breath shall vanish without trace. again L4 now could read... each breath shall vanish with no trace. The midnight monster dalliance enjoy their path of hallowed stroll, and you shall pay the consequence... as spooky goblins will extol. Good ending. ·············· Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner

Guest_Cathy_*	Nov 2 06, 14:42 Post #5
Guest	QUOTE(AMETHYST @ Nov 2 06, 01:52 ) [snapback]86426[/snapback] Hi Cathy, You've made a Elizabeth Created Formed Poem! YEAHHHHH! The subject seems to compliment the form with an exciting sense of fitting holiday tone! Excellent use of the form and a strong use of your poetic tools to enhance and vividily draw on the theme. Thank you Liz! And thanks for creating the form. I really enjoyed writing one! smiles Let's see what I can see... Hugs, Liz Thanks for trying on a Quatrain Refrain, Lori came up with the Name for the form, isn't she cool! You bet she is!! LOL QUOTE BEWARE! Love the title. It gives off an automatic sense of enter at your own risk! LOL Thanks! I was worried that considering the season it might give too much away! LOL A token smile clings to his face while shadows claim a restless soul, then breath shall vanish without trace as spooky goblins will extol S1: Perhaps grin instead of smile. It sounds more hideous, and has a nice intro sound blending into clings. In L3, sounds a little of a stumble, I keep wanting to say each breath, also without a trace, perhaps ... each breath vanishes without a trace each breath shall vanish with no trace 'Grin' would work... smiles Would 'smirk' be taking it too far? I like the use of 'each', I will be changing that... thanks! the haunts of Halloween this night. As mortal heartbeats keep apace with scary visions breeding fright, a token smile clings to his face I like this stanza. L2, I like the inclusion of mortal heartbeats, Thank you! in darkness laced with secrecy... Beware! The vampires take their toll and witches chant pot-brewed decrees while shadows claim a restless soul. Great use of the refrained lines. This flows so smooth into a natural and maintains a good sense of meaning. I'm glad it came across so smoothly. I always worry that it will stick out like a sore thumb instead of blending when using repeating lines. The creatures wand'ring far and near will do their deeds, show no disgrace and tremble not with wretched fear, then breath shall vanish without trace. again L4 now could read... each breath shall vanish with no trace. It soon will! LOL The midnight monster dalliance enjoy their path of hallowed stroll, and you shall pay the consequence... as spooky goblins will extol. Good ending. Thanks Liz! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Cathy

JLY View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Nov 2 06, 19:15 Post #6
Ornate Oracle Group: Centurion Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr	Cathy, I like the form that you used and the theme is very topical. Well paced and smoothly flowing. On the following two lines it sounds like you are speaking about a pluralistic monster when you use "their" The midnight monster dalliance enjoy their path of hallowed stroll, Subconsciously, I keep reading it as "midnight monsters' dalliance". Either way, it works well. JLY ·············· Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner

Guest_Cathy_*	Nov 2 06, 22:41 Post #7
Guest	Oooops! Thanks for catching that John! It should be plural... there's more than one creature out there on Halloween night! LOL The form was created by Liz (Amethyst). I happened to be browsing around in Karnak the other day, ran across it and found it quite pleasant. I've done quaterns and swap quatrains but (I hate to admit) I'd never heard of the Quatrain Refrain. Shows how little I pay attention! I think it's a lovely form! Thanks for dropping in with your comments John~ Cathy

Guest_Cathy_*	Nov 7 06, 07:19 Post #8
Guest	Revision posted! smiles Thanks John and Liz!

JLY View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Nov 7 06, 07:26 Post #9
Ornate Oracle Group: Centurion Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr	Cathy, The revision looks great and flows much smoother. Good job. JLY ·············· Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner

Guest_Cathy_*	Nov 7 06, 08:15 Post #10
Guest	Thank you John!

AMETHYST View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Nov 7 06, 08:34 Post #11
Ornate Oracle Group: Gold Member Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter	Hi Cathy, Very powerful changes. in S1L1, the change over to sneer is excellent, not only for the bounce off rhyme come the 'near/fear' end lines in S4 but also for the actual meaning, where as it brings to my mind that leering up to no good intention sort of smile! LOL Let me take a glance at the other improvements that really make this a wonderful read! Hugs, Liz ... QUOTE BEWARE! ~ Revision 1 A token sneer clings to his face; shall shadows claim a restless soul? Each breath shall vanish without trace, so spooky goblins then extol I like the change in L2 also. To show the line as a question adds more drama to the stanza and allows the refrain line to bring on a slight turn in the meaning. I still feel L3 needs a tweak. I keep wanting to say without a trace, because the stress is on out instead of with, to my ear. grave haunts of Halloween this night. As mortal heartbeats keep apace of scary visions breeding fright, a token sneer clings to his face Nice. The change in L1 adds to this stanza also. :) Not a nit. in darkness laced with secrecy. Beware! Will vampires take their toll while witches chant pot-brewed decrees... shall shadows claim a restless soul? The change in S1L2 really makes a great difference here. turning it into a question, in my mind, puts more emphasis on the chanting witches and the image provided-I like this stanza most. Odd creatures wand'ring far and near will do their deeds, show no disgrace or tremble not with wretched fear; each breath shall vanish without trace. *Good choice word (odd). let me say this while running away and ducking your flying shoe my way! LOL but L4, still needs a tweak! HAHAAAHAA... Demented midnight dalliance exploiting hours of hallowed stroll, though you shall wage the consequence... so spooky goblins then extol. Excellent ending. The changes enhance the images, creating more vivid and detailed visuals, while honing the refrain line to offer a powerful ending. Great word working Cathy...** Cathy Bollhoefer copyright Oct 30, 06 Well Cathy, Other than the minor mentions, this is ready and polished... Glad to have been a part of a great poem! Big Hugs, Liz ·············· Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner

Guest_Cathy_*	Nov 7 06, 12:22 Post #12
Guest	QUOTE(AMETHYST @ Nov 7 06, 10:34 ) [snapback]86745[/snapback] Hi Cathy, Very powerful changes. in S1L1, the change over to sneer is excellent, not only for the bounce off rhyme come the 'near/fear' end lines in S4 but also for the actual meaning, where as it brings to my mind that leering up to no good intention sort of smile! LOL I hadn't even considered the near rhyme aspect. I am glad that the image improved! I thought it did too! LOL Let me take a glance at the other improvements that really make this a wonderful read! Hugs, Liz ... QUOTE BEWARE! ~ Revision 1 A token sneer clings to his face; shall shadows claim a restless soul? Each breath shall vanish without trace, so spooky goblins then extol I like the change in L2 also. To show the line as a question adds more drama to the stanza and allows the refrain line to bring on a slight turn in the meaning. I still feel L3 needs a tweak. I keep wanting to say without a trace, because the stress is on out instead of with, to my ear. I like it better as a question! Instead of knowing or assuming that is what happens it leaves one wondering (with a chill!) LOL As to line 3, I think I have solved that one. Take a look and see what you think. grave haunts of Halloween this night. As mortal heartbeats keep apace of scary visions breeding fright, a token sneer clings to his face Nice. The change in L1 adds to this stanza also. :) Not a nit. Thanks! in darkness laced with secrecy. Beware! Will vampires take their toll while witches chant pot-brewed decrees... shall shadows claim a restless soul? The change in S1L2 really makes a great difference here. turning it into a question, in my mind, puts more emphasis on the chanting witches and the image provided-I like this stanza most. Thanks! Again, I think the wondering and uncertainty make it stronger! Odd creatures wand'ring far and near will do their deeds, show no disgrace or tremble not with wretched fear; each breath shall vanish without trace. *Good choice word (odd). let me say this while running away and ducking your flying shoe my way! LOL but L4, still needs a tweak! HAHAAAHAA... There is nothing nearby to throw so you're safe! LOL Demented midnight dalliance exploiting hours of hallowed stroll, though you shall wage the consequence... so spooky goblins then extol. Excellent ending. The changes enhance the images, creating more vivid and detailed visuals, while honing the refrain line to offer a powerful ending. Great word working Cathy...** Thank you! I've made a change in line 3... do you still feel the same way about this verse? LOL Cathy Bollhoefer copyright Oct 30, 06 Well Cathy, Other than the minor mentions, this is ready and polished... Glad to have been a part of a great poem! Thanks Liz! I appreciate you returning to be a part of the revision. It made a big difference! Hugs, Cathy Big Hugs, Liz

AMETHYST View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Nov 7 06, 12:33 Post #13
Ornate Oracle Group: Gold Member Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter	Yes, Yes, Yes... Excellent word choices! L3 is worthy of several kisses and hugs... Now to tie a ribbon around this and send it out to a mag or journal. Hugs, Liz ·············· Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner

Guest_Cathy_*	Nov 7 06, 12:38 Post #14
Guest	Yeah right!!! LOL But thanks for the lavish compliment! I truly appreciate it! Cathy

Cyn View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Nov 9 06, 14:18 Post #15
Creative Chieftain Group: Gold Member Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry	spooky and well done. Love the "quatrain refrain" Excellent job! ·············· Cynthia Neely MM Award Winner

Guest_Cathy_*	Nov 9 06, 16:46 Post #16
Guest	Thanks Cyn!

Cleo_Serapis View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Nov 12 06, 21:00 Post #17
Mosaic Master Group: Administrator Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep	Hiya Cathy. Thanks for posting this one in Liz's form, it flows very well! I still haven't tried it yet, so perhaps you've inspired me to go ahead (for the holidays) I hope to write a few. I only have one nit in the last stanza (which really is preference for your muse): Demented midnight dalliance exploiting hours of hallowed stroll{,}[;] beware! [Y]ou wage the consequence... so spooky goblins then extol. My fav image: Beware! Will vampires take their toll while witches chant pot-brewed decrees... Awesome! ~Cleo ·············· "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life. MM Award Winner

Guest_Cathy_*	Nov 13 06, 10:27 Post #18
Guest	QUOTE(Cleo_Serapis @ Nov 12 06, 23:00 ) [snapback]87037[/snapback] Hiya Cathy. Thanks for posting this one in Liz's form, it flows very well! Thanks Lori! I still haven't tried it yet, so perhaps you've inspired me to go ahead (for the holidays) I hope to write a few. I hope you do! I like the form... the repetition isn't overwhelming and you almost can't tell it's there. I only have one nit in the last stanza (which really is preference for your muse): Demented midnight dalliance exploiting hours of hallowed stroll{,}[;] beware! [Y]ou wage the consequence... so spooky goblins then extol. Hmmm... it would work that way. I will consider it. Thanks! My fav image: Beware! Will vampires take their toll while witches chant pot-brewed decrees... Quite a sight! LOL Awesome! ~Cleo Thanks bunches Lori! Hugs~ Cathy

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