Life Cycles, reworking of 60 word Drabble Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Life Cycles

Life flows through infinite cycles;
threads intricately interwoven,
silently measuring time.

Earth spins diurnally;
day becomes night, becomes day.
Seasons shift with Sun’s rotation.

Moon’s phases
control tides,
regulate feminine biorhythms.

From conception
we move inexorably
towards death.

Yet a trace of us remains;
passed down generations
through our genes.

copyright Nina 2006

Nina

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Very nicely done Nina, i have had time lately to do the drabble or the ten words but soon, maybe next week.
Steve

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks very much Steve

I do hope you find time to have a go at the challenges next week and at the flash.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hi Nina,

I hadn't thought of replying to the Drabble challenge in a poem (at least here!)

I like the way everything is linked but seems to centre not around the sun, but around woman as the regenerating source of life. And rightly too Nina!

Good read thank you.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Nina.

I'll be back - I'm thrilled to see this drabble fine-tuned into a lovely poem as its message is so important to recall!

Be back soon!
Lori

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

I hadn't thought of replying to the Drabble challenge in a poem (at least here!)

The drabble itself was written in prose. I just tweaked and tightened it to turn it into a poem.

I like the way everything is linked but seems to centre not around the sun, but around woman as the regenerating source of life. And rightly too Nina!

I hadn't consciously thought about the poem centering around woman as the regenerating source of life but you are right and as you said, thats as it should be.

Thanks for commenting

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

Thanks, I look forward to your comments when you have time.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Nina.

I really like the progression of not only time, but of our ancestry passing down in the poem.

I've re-read this a few times and keep stumbling here:

day becomes night, becomes day. As an alternate for you to ponder, I offer:

day to night, night to day.

Another option (and the only other I can bring here as this one as is: would be in the ending.

Yet a trace of us remains;
passed down generations
through our genes.

I offer a switcheroo so it would look like this but hopefully retain the same meaning you intend:

Yet a trace of us remains
through our genes;
extending (or expanding) generations.

Cheers Nina
~Cleo

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

I really like the progression of not only time, but of our ancestry passing down in the poem.

thanks :)

I've re-read this a few times and keep stumbling here:

day becomes night, becomes day. As an alternate for you to ponder, I offer:

day to night, night to day.

I was trying for a slow hypnotic type swing, backwards and forwards. Using "to" speeds it up too much. How about if I put

day becomes night, night becomes day

Another option (and the only other I can bring here as this one as is: would be in the ending.

Yet a trace of us remains;
passed down generations
through our genes.

I offer a switcheroo so it would look like this but hopefully retain the same meaning you intend:

Yet a trace of us remains
through our genes;
extending (or expanding) generations.

Thanks, I'll consider it.

thanks for reading and commenting

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

I was trying for a slow hypnotic type swing, backwards and forwards. Using "to" speeds it up too much. How about if I put

day becomes night, night becomes day

Nina

Hi Nina.

Oh yes, I see it now, slowing the beat a bit. I was going to suggest that wording as well Nina, so I think that would slow it even further too with that second 'becomes' there added in the line.

Cool!

~Cleo

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks Lori I will revise it

Nina