SOB Story [revised 27 Aug], Wizard Award ~ Sonnet Options

[Guest_jamesalfred_*]

second revision with new couplet:
SOB Story

He weaves through traffic, always late for work
at speeds beyond the legal limit, burns
some rubber while he signals every jerk
with middle finger flicks before he turns.

He doesn't seem to mind the acronym
that follows him from morning into night.
He shrugs and chugs his beers, sloshed past the brim
and often stays around to pick a fight.

Contempt and anger hammered at his soul:
"Hey suck it up, you goddamn sissy boy!"
He echoes those same words from years ago
to denigrate his son— his only joy.

Despite the wounds he carries, still his mind
compels him to deliver more in kind.



First revision with title change.

SOB Story

He weaves through traffic, always late for work
at speeds beyond the legal limit, burns
rubber while he signals every jerk
with middle finger flicks before he turns.

He doesn't seem to mind the acronym
that follows him from morning until night.
He'll chug his beer and fill one past the brim
and often stay around to pick a fight.

Contempt and anger hammered at his soul:
Hey suck it up, you goddamn sissy boy!
He echoed those same words from years ago
to shame his only son— his only joy,
despite that even as he spoke he knew
the pain his words inflict, he can't undo.




When the Circle is Unbroken
A SOB Story

He’s often dubbed one well-known acronym
by friends and foes alike but that’s ok
with him. Yo! Stay the hell out of my way!
he shrugs and chugs a beer filled past the brim.

A surly attitude and stubborn streak
disguise the little boy he keeps inside,
as stern and stiff demeanors serve to hide
the remnants of dried tearstains down his cheek.

Contempt and anger hammered at his soul:
Just suck it up, don’t cry, you sissy boy!
He echoed those same words from years ago
toward his only son— his only joy,
despite the fact that even then he knew
such wounds would never heal nor pain undo.

JA

[Judi]

What a great sonnet for your first post...as of now I find no nits to report, but I am fairly new to them, and hesitate to say too much...I am sure you will have others leave some great comments to perhaps catch what I have missed...Welcome..looking forward to reading more of your work! Judi

[Guest_jamesalfred_*]

I'm pleased to meet you, Judi and I thank you for the welcome and the kind review. I'm new to sonnets, but had a lot of help from a friend and after getting the technicals down, I posted it over at SC awhile back. Once was enough for me over there, though. It's a tad rough for my tastes.
JA

[Merlin]

Greetings JA,

I cut me teeth way back at SC, and am a regular read-only member. A lot of interesting characters have been and gone there over time!

That's a good sonnet, if you're new to the genre. There's a minor grammatical flaw I detect >> V2L1 gives 2 attributes (plural) and L2 begins with a singular verb.

I don't do much critique anymore - getting on, ya know.

Merlin

[JustDaniel]

Hey, James...

Don't mind Ol' Merlin. As he says, he's up in years. He's right that the verb is singular ^{(There's only one of 'em)}, but it's plenty plural, methinks. ^{(Sometimes the lack of an 's' fools 'im.)} ... an' by the way, don't let 'im fool ya. He offers some o' the best critique here when 'e gets wound up; if'n 'e's 'ad 'is morning meds 'e's sharp as a tack!

Ya may be new here at MM, but ya got the signs in this here piece ya ain't new to sonnets. This is about as mature a sonnet as I've read. Good work. I love the slight variation in meter, the near-rhyme in the final line... and especially the sub-title! Great pull-in with a twist.

deLightin' ta make yer acquaintance, Daniel

[Guest_jamesalfred_*]

I'm happy to meet you Merlin.

I cut me teeth way back at SC, and am a regular read-only member. A lot of interesting characters have been and gone there over time!

Judging by the picture in your window box, you must be an interesting character as well.
Yes, I too have continued to read over there as there is a lot of excellent information to be gleaned from the posted sonnets and the comments. I've often been amazed and sometimes appalled by some of those comments.
This feels like a much friendlier site and I've been busily reading some excellent work by the members, including you. I've been told you are a wizard with words and from what I've read so far, you are.

There's a minor grammatical flaw I detect >> V2L1 gives 2 attributes (plural) and L2 begins with a singular verb.

hmmm, yes there are 2 attributes, attitude and stubborness, but disguise is a plural verb, (as in they disguise) singular would be disguises (it disguises).
A surly attitude and stubborn streak
disguise the little boy he keeps inside,
I origially used belie and had changed it to disguise when I posted.
I'm thinking now that belie might be closer to the meaning I want.

Thank you for taking the time to read and review this first attempt of mine.

JA

[Guest_jamesalfred_*]

It's nice to meet you Daniel, and I can see right away that you like to play with words.

He's right that the verb is singular (There's only one of 'em), but it's plenty plural, methinks. (Sometimes the lack of an 's' fools 'im.)

Well he did say he was getting on.

This is about as mature a sonnet as I've read. Good work. I love the slight variation in meter, the near-rhyme in the final line... and especially the sub-title! Great pull-in with a twist.

I delighted in your words but must confess, I did have a good deal of help with this. I'm still in the learning stages for sonnets.
Thank you for the generous comments on the poem.
JA

[Mary Boren]

Hi James, and welcome.

This is a worthy effort for any stage in sonnet-writing; I'm surprised it's your first. I'll be watching your postings with interest, as you add new devices to your poetic toolbox.

The title doesn't grab me here. SOB Story is sufficient. I'd rather have you show me than tell me what an SOB he is, and "disguise the little boy he keeps inside" has pretty much been done to death. (I've done it myself.) I think there's plenty of room for improvement in the couplet.

despite the fact that even then he knew
such wounds would never heal nor pain undo.

You could make better use of the space in L13, and there's something syntactically off, not to mention inverted, in the last line, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Such wounds would never pain undo?

I was a regular at SC from 2000-2004, but seldom go there now. It saddens me.

Mary

[Guest_jamesalfred_*]

Hello Mary, I'm going to try answering your comments the way I've seen it done by others at this site. It's not what I'm used too, but when in Rome.

Hi James, and welcome. Thank you, I'm happy to meet you.

This is a worthy effort for any stage in sonnet-writing; I'm surprised it's your first. You are very kind. I discarded a lot of poor attempts before I got some real help from a knowledgeable friend and finally got the courage to post at SC. I revised there, but received no further comments and have been looking for a place that might offer more.

I'll be watching your postings with interest, as you add new devices to your poetic toolbox. I would be honored to hear from you on any of my attempts.

The title doesn't grab me here. SOB Story is sufficient. Yes, that's how I had it in my revision, but thought I'd see if that would be preferred here too.
I'd rather have you show me than tell me what an SOB he is, Uh oh, that's what I was afraid of. A very helpful fellow at SC said the same thing, and I have revised it accordingly but not enough, I guess. You really wouldn't have liked the original. It even sounds judgemental to me now.
and "disguise the little boy he keeps inside" has pretty much been done to death. (I've done it myself.) Yes, I guess it has and probably comes off as overly sentimental. I think there's plenty of room for improvement in the couplet.

despite the fact that even then he knew
such wounds would never heal nor pain undo.

You could make better use of the space in L13, and there's something syntactically off, not to mention inverted, in the last line, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Such wounds would never pain undo? I'll try to make that less convoluted.
I was a regular at SC from 2000-2004, but seldom go there now. It saddens me. Yes, me too. There is so much that is good about it if one can overlook the ugly episodes. I can't seem to.
I'm most grateful for your insight will be revising very soon. I have already been working on some other ideas that I hope will make it less telly.
Thank you.
JA
Mary

[Merlin]

Don't let the picture fool you, JA. That dates back to my high-school graduation.

Sorry about my slipping up on gramma up above - goes ta show, ya never take everything a critter hands out.

Merlin

[Guest_jamesalfred_*]

Don't let the picture fool you, JA. That dates back to my high-school graduation. If that's how you looked in HS, maybe it's just as well you don't post a recent photo.

Sorry about my slipping up on gramma up above - goes ta show, ya never take everything a critter hands out. No problem, I just figured maybe you had been inbibing some of that brew in the jug as pictured. Merlin

I've posted a revision and would very much appreciate your opinion.
Thank you.
JA

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi James (or do prefer Jim, or JA)?

What a poignant sonnet! Kudos to you for such a powerful message. I have to admit, I think you give too much away in your title, so I suggest something simpler, perhaps 'Unbroken'? It's more of a tease to say click in my post to see what I mean all.

I believe your meter, rhymes and rhythms are well executed for this sonnet form (I shy away from sonnets myself as they intimidate me so, LOL). There is one line I find off however, L3. I've offered something to ponder in its place just to get your mind thinking of other possibilities for it - as you wish.

He’s often dubbed one well-known acronym
by friends and foes alike but that’s ok
with him. Yo! Stay the hell out of my way!
he shrugs and chugs a beer filled past the brim.

L3 seems awfully bumpy in meter *could be my yankee accent but I am not seeing the da’s and dums in the right rhythm): How about something more along the lines of:
with him. Do us all a favor, stay away! (I know it's an extra beat there but maybe no one will notice - this idea puts in the reader’s mind that the SOB is reflecting his own woes as if everyone is like him OR that it’s the others making the comment to him)..

A surly attitude and stubborn streak
disguise the little boy he keeps inside, (I’d rather see him as a ‘child inside’ moreso that ‘little boy’, perhaps juvenile?)
as stern and stiff demeanors serve to hide
the remnants of dried tearstains down his cheek. (excellent imagery and rhythm)

Contempt and anger hammered at his soul:
Just suck it up, don’t cry, you sissy boy! (possible alternate: mama’s boy)
He echoed those same words from years ago
toward his only son— his only joy,
despite the fact that even then he knew
such wounds would never heal nor pain undo.

I am having trouble with the closing line/couplet - the inversion. I'd like to see something where the ending does bring him full circle/realize who his is and what's done is done, and end on this note, or something similar: he can’t undo.
such wounds inherited, he can't undo. ?

Welcome to MM!
~Cleo

[Guest_jamesalfred_*]

Hello Cleo,
I'm very pleased to be receiving so much feedback on this. I appreciate your generosity. All your points are good ones for the original version but based on Mary's observations and using a few changes I had already been working on, I have posted a fairly radical revision.
If you have the time, I would really like to know what you think.
Thank you very much.
JA (James is fine, but JA is easier)

[Michelle]

Hi James, welcome to MM. I read the orginal of this and thought that it was good - the conception stated pretty well and the meter fine. Yet, I come back and find your poem revised with the sparkle of a polished gem. Excellent revision. I'm very impressed by your skill and by your excellent poem. I'll be back to look closer, but this is very good.

See you later,
(have to go to the store and get dinner cooking)


Michelle

[AMETHYST]

Hello James,

Welcome to MM! I am so surprised to see such a delightful Sonnet as your first post, as you gave an impression that you were a weak in poetry ... and here I see a well handled, very unique theme, skillfully written with great use of poetic techinque ...

I only saw one little nit in L1S1 might it be "He weaves through traffic ..." I think it was a typo...

Some thoughts to follow in stanza. I hope something I leave helps!

Best Regards, Liz

First revision with title change.

SOB Story

He’s weaves through traffic on his way to work
at speeds beyond the legal limit, burns
rubber and then signals every jerk
with middle finger flicks before he turns.

As already mentioned L1, a slight typo.
L3, is missing a beat... This is how I am scanning the line...

RUBber and THEN SIGnals EVry JERK
perhaps ...
rubber and then he signals every jerk

Great opening stanza... I think you've captured the rage and aggression from a person like this so well... impressive opening stanza!

He doesn't seem to mind the acronym
that follows him from morning until night.
He'll chug his beer and fill one past the brim
and often stay around to pick a fight.

L4, perhaps ... 'and often 'stays' around to pick a fight.

Contempt and anger hammered at his soul:
Hey suck it up, you goddamn sissy boy!
He echoed those same words from years ago
to shame his only son— his only joy,
despite that even as he spoke he knew
the pain his words inflict, he can't undo.

The volta here, is magnificent! The twist, from the original scenery is exemplary form and the ending couplet is powerful.

Possibly a slight nit in L10 and 11 ...

L10: Perhaps "Hey suck it up, you goddam sissy boy!"
L11,
He echoes those same words from years ago -

This is a GREAT Sonnet!!! What I enjoyed most was the powerful content and how it showed the raging and how he takes it out on his father, and the cycle of abuse (even verbal abuse) ...

Great handling of a very strong and serious subject.

Best Wishes, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Cleo,
I'm very pleased to be receiving so much feedback on this. I appreciate your generosity. All your points are good ones for the original version but based on Mary's observations and using a few changes I had already been working on, I have posted a fairly radical revision.
If you have the time, I would really like to know what you think.
Thank you very much.
JA (James is fine, but JA is easier)

Ah, we must have cross posted ~ when I copied in your poem, there wasn't yet a revision posted.

I'll take a look at the revision in a few days when time finds me again.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Mary Boren]

Nice job of revising, James. Now I would suggest you bring the tenses into harmony. Why switch to past in the third quatrain and then back to present in the last line except to pave the way for "knew?" It's easy enough to find a different match for "undo," if you're still keen on ending with that word. I'm not fond of the headless iamb in L3, but take that with a grain of salt because I don't recall ever being in favor of those kinds of metrical manipulations. This line seems a little padded to me:

to shame his only son— his only joy,

I'm wondering if you would consider something like "to denigrate his son, his only joy."

I'm going to try answering your comments the way I've seen it done by others at this site. It's not what I'm used too, but when in Rome.

Like you, I've not seen it done elsewhere. I seem to be a minority here in expressing a preference against quoting beyond the pertinent section. I find it needlessly confusing to try to follow a discussion containing quotes within quotes within quotes. People who can write poetry are surely smart enough to remember what has been said.

Stepping off my soapbox now ...

Mary

[JustDaniel]

Greetings again, James. I see that you have significantly revised this one. Pretty good job, too.

Let me play with it a little; maybe it will help... or maybe not:

First revision with title change.

SOB Story [ better! ]

He weaves through traffic, always late for work
at speeds beyond the legal limit, burns
tire rubber while he signals every jerk
with middle fickle finger flicks before he turns.

He doesn't seem to mind the acronym
that follows him around from morn morning un 'til night[;]
He'll chug his beer and fill one past the brim [ Personally, I like your original line: ]
he shrugs and chugs a beer filled sloshed past the brim
and often stays around to pick a fight.

Contempt and anger ire have hammered at his soul:
Hey suck it up, you goddamn sissy boy!
He's echoed those same words from years ago
to while shaming his one son — his only joy[.]
despite that even as he spoke Each time those acrid words have spewed, he's known
the pain his words inflict , he can't be undone.

Just some thoughts to ponder...

in a sLightly different Light, Daniel

[Guest_jamesalfred_*]

Hello Michelle,
It's a pleasure to meet you, the author of many very impressive poems posted here. I'm delighted to have such a generous review from you. Thank you so much. I look foward to any suggestions you may have on your return.
JA

[Guest_jamesalfred_*]

Nice to meet you Liz. I'm happy to know you feel this works and I appreciate your thoughtful suggestions and am greatly encouraged by your generous praise. I'm very much into revising this and the help you offer here is priceless. Thank you.
JA