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> Brood Parasites (2nd revision), Wizard Award ~ R&M narrative poem
Eisa
post Apr 17 07, 08:25
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This was going to be a rewrite of am old Spring poem but turned in a different direction.




Brood Parasites (revision 2 -- thanks Kathy)


A European Robin serenades,
while perched upon an ivied stage; his hen
investigates the boulders, then invades
a crevice, moulding moss into a den
to lay her brood. Nearby a cuckoo’s call
evokes the bubbling chuckles from his mate,
who’s spied red robin’s nest within the wall
and parks her eggs inside to incubate.

When hatched the parasitic nestlings prise
the newborn robins from the crib, then feign
inherently, their empty-bellied cries.
The surrogate is hoodwinked to sustain
these neonatal cheats, with worms and ants
she’s snatched, as farmers shovel over earth.
Departing from their host, the fledglings chant
coo coo, perceptibly now twice her girth.

When breezes cool, instinctively they steer
towards horizons, flocking warmer climes,
returning when magnolia buds appear
as robins gather moss for nesting time.



For your information ~


The Cuckoo is a brood parasite, it lays its eggs in other birds' nests and leaves the host birds to incubate and rear its young. Dunnocks, Robins and Meadow Pipits are frequent host birds. Each female Cuckoo specialises in using a particular host species and will lay eggs with similar markings to the host bird's eggs, and the young Cuckoo will imitate the begging calls of the host's chicks.

When the Cuckoo nestling hatches, it instinctively pushes the other eggs and nestlings out of the nest.

The female has a rich bubbling chuckle, but the male's call is the very familiar "cuckoo".


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brood Parasites (1st revision)

When nightingales return to serenade
upon their hedgerow stage, the cuckoo’s call
is answered by his mate, as she invades
the nest to lay her eggs inside a wall.

Her chuckling bubbles when her nestlings prise
the robin’s newborn from their crib, then feign
their victim’s empty-bellied cries.
Their surrogate so gullible, sustains
the neonatal cheats, with worms and ants
she’s snatched, as gardeners shovel over earth.
Departing from their host, these leeches chant
coo coo, perceptibly now twice her girth.

When breezes cool, they fly to warmer spheres
and flock horizons, speedy in their quest,
returning when magnolia buds appear,
as robins gather moss to build their nests.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brood Parasites

When nightingales return to serenade
from hedgerows’ stage, the cuckoo’s simple call
is answered by his mate, as she invades
a nest to lay her eggs inside a wall.

Her chuckling bubbles when her nestlings prize
the robin’s newborn from their crib, then feign
their victim’s empty-bellied cries.
The surrogate, so gullible, sustains
the neonatal cheats, with worms and ants
she’s snatched, as gardeners shovel over earth.
Departing from their host, the leeches chant
coo coo, perceptibly now twice her girth.

When breezes cool, they fly to warmer spheres
and flock horizons, speedy in their quest,
returning when magnolia buds appear,
as robins gather moss for building nests.



St 2 -- The female cuckoo's song is a chuckling sound.


St2 was ~
Unwary, red-breast surrogate sustains


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

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Merlin
post Apr 18 07, 21:00
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Hello Eisa,

We have our share of cuckoos on this side of the pond, but they might not all be of the avian kind. That considered, do your robins nest inside walls? Here they always build in a tree crotch or other exposed place.

Nice theme.

Merlin


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Mary Boren
post Apr 18 07, 22:46
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I like this, Snow. It evokes an image and teaches me something about cuckoos to boot. I especially like the first line, the way those lovely trisyllablers complement each other and the nice strong long a echo.

When nightingales return to serenade

Some more favorite bits:

Her chuckling bubbles

neonatal cheats

flock horizons


My only nit is red-breast's lack of an article.

Mary


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Mary Sullivan Boren
Connecting ... Even Yet
"There is in all things - a hidden wholeness." -Thomas Merton

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Eisa
post Apr 19 07, 04:53
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QUOTE (Merlin @ Apr 19 07, 03:00 ) [snapback]94463[/snapback]
Hello Eisa,
Hello Merlin
We have our share of cuckoos on this side of the pond, but they might not all be of the avian kind. That considered, do your robins nest inside walls? Here they always build in a tree crotch or other exposed place.

In UK cuckoo's seem to be more rare these days. There are so many different kinds as I have been finding out and they are not all brood parasites as I once thought.

Now I had to do my homework to find out where Robin's build therir nests and in UK

"The nest is made from grass, moss and dead leaves, lined with hair and wool, and usually in a hole in a tree stump, bank or wall, but more unusual locations such as kettles, cars, and coat pockets have been used. An open-fronted nest box may be used."

My mother once had one nest in her shed -- great excitement!


Nice theme.

Thanks Merlin -- this one grew out of another theme -- funny how that happens sometimes.

Snow Snowflake.gif


Merlin


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Apr 19 07, 04:56
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QUOTE (Nada Lott @ Apr 19 07, 04:46 ) [snapback]94473[/snapback]
I like this, Snow. It evokes an image and teaches me something about cuckoos to boot. I especially like the first line, the way those lovely trisyllablers complement each other and the nice strong long a echo.

When nightingales return to serenade

Some more favorite bits:

Her chuckling bubbles

neonatal cheats

flock horizons


My only nit is red-breast's lack of an article.

Mary


Thank you Mary -- I'm glad this worked for you. I had fun writing it.

I agree about the 'red-breast surrogate' -- wasn't happy with it myself and am looking to change it soon.

Snow


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Arnfinn
post Apr 19 07, 05:46
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Hi Snow,


Yes, every year swallows build their mud daubed nest, on the red bricks, in the entry of the BERRY hotel. They do not mind the close proximity of locals passing through on the way to the bar to have a drink. I could (if I wanted to, reach up and touch their nest).

The shape of a swallows nest would deny the cuckoo.


Brood Parasites



When nightingales return to serenade
from hedgerows’ stage, the cuckoo’s simple call
is answered by his mate, as she invades
a nest to lay her eggs inside a wall.

As a narrative, you've done a good job here. I'm sorry, I'm not very constructive with your poetry, I rarely find anything to change. Though, I not over enthused with the use of 'parasite' in the title. A parasite is a small insect drawing nourishment directly from another organism.


Her chuckling bubbles when her nestlings prize <<< don't understand? Explain
the robin’s newborn from their crib, then feign
their victim’s empty-bellied cries.
Unwary, red-breast surrogate sustains
the neonatal cheats, with worms and ants
she’s snatched, as gardeners shovel over earth.
Departing from their host, the leeches chant
coo coo, perceptibly now twice her girth.

This is actually a sad side of nature. The surrogate parents, do not seem to notice the strange fledglings in the nest? They keep on feeding the aliens.



When breezes cool, they fly to warmer spheres
and flock horizons, speedy in their quest,
returning when magnolia buds appear,
as robins gather moss for building nests.


This last stanza is the best. It sums up the happenings that occur in your first two stanzas. Then reflect on the continuing cycle.

Nature is cruel in its advocacy.

Your last line, again subtle, makes the reader realise that natures instincts are irrefutable.



Regards,


John gardener.gif troy.gif


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Arnfinn

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Eisa
post Apr 19 07, 18:18
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QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Apr 19 07, 11:46 ) [snapback]94482[/snapback]
Hi Snow,

Hi John

Yes, every year swallows build their mud daubed nest, on the red bricks, in the entry of the BERRY hotel. They do not mind the close proximity of locals passing through on the way to the bar to have a drink. I could (if I wanted to, reach up and touch their nest).

That is amazing John -- some birds are really quite tame. My mother once had a robin nest in her shed whish was quite close to her house.

The shape of a swallows nest would deny the cuckoo.


Brood Parasites


When nightingales return to serenade
from hedgerows’ stage, the cuckoo’s simple call
is answered by his mate, as she invades
a nest to lay her eggs inside a wall.

As a narrative, you've done a good job here. I'm sorry, I'm not very constructive with your poetry, I rarely find anything to change. Though, I not over enthused with the use of 'parasite' in the title. A parasite is a small insect drawing nourishment directly from another organism.

I'm not sure about the title myself. I usually think of the dog having worms when I say parasites LOL!! -- but there is a wider meaning that someone/thing hangs around a host (without benefit to the host) in hope of gain or advantage. In the information I read about cuckoos, they were called 'brood parasites' I'll think on that one.

Her chuckling bubbles when her nestlings prize <<< don't understand? Explain
the robin’s newborn from their crib, then feign
their victim’s empty-bellied cries.
Unwary, red-breast surrogate sustains
the neonatal cheats, with worms and ants
she’s snatched, as gardeners shovel over earth.
Departing from their host, the leeches chant
coo coo, perceptibly now twice her girth.

Line1 continues in L2 John saying
.................................. her nestlings prize
the robin’s newborn from their crib,......



This is actually a sad side of nature. The surrogate parents, do not seem to notice the strange fledglings in the nest? They keep on feeding the aliens.


Yes -- very sad to think her own chicks were shoved out of the nest too.

When breezes cool, they fly to warmer spheres
and flock horizons, speedy in their quest,
returning when magnolia buds appear,
as robins gather moss for building nests.


This last stanza is the best. It sums up the happenings that occur in your first two stanzas. Then reflect on the continuing cycle.

Nature is cruel in its advocacy.

Your last line, again subtle, makes the reader realise that natures instincts are irrefutable.

True John -- the cycle continues




Regards,


John gardener.gif troy.gif



Thanks Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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JaxMyth
post Apr 19 07, 19:10
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Apr 17 07, 23:25 ) [snapback]94399[/snapback]
This was going to be a rewrite of am old Spring poem but turned in a different direction.

Hi Eisa, some thoughts in line, use or lose I enjoyed considering this.

Brood Parasites

When nightingales return to serenade
from hedgerows’ stage, the cuckoo’s simple call
I will be picky about about the missing article perhaps 'simple' can be removed and allow:
back from the hedgerow's stage the cuckoo's call

is answered by his mate, as she invades
Should it not be 'the' nest?
a nest to lay her eggs inside a wall.


Her chuckling bubbles when her nestlings prize
the robin’s newborn from their crib, then feign
their victim’s empty-bellied cries.
The surrogate, so gullible, sustains
the neonatal cheats, with worms and ants
she’s snatched, as gardeners shovel over earth.
Departing from their host, the leeches chant
coo coo, perceptibly now twice her girth.

When breezes cool, they fly to warmer spheres
and flock horizons, speedy in their quest,
returning when magnolia buds appear,
Perhaps: to build their nests?
as robins gather moss for building nests.



St 2 -- The female cuckoo's song is a chuckling sound.


St2 was ~
Unwary, red-breast surrogate sustains


Regards,

Jax


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AMETHYST
post Apr 19 07, 19:27
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Wow Snow,

I've been off line most of the past few days -- and just got some time to check the boards and what a wonderful surprise. I read this a couple times and each time the pleasure was enhanced by taking further notice to the lovely weave of sounds, the linking of characteristics and the smooth rhythm through out.

At this time, nothing jumps out at me - so I've printed this out to do a more closer reading at home (while the crazy family is asleep) LOL I do like Jax's suggestion for S1L2.

I have to say EXCELLENT POETRY! :)

Hugs, Liz


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Merlin
post Apr 19 07, 21:11
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Hi Snow,

I came back to post a coupla links on the robins - they are quite different on either side of the pond. It's interesting as the article sez, European robins will build nests in discarded kettles. The North American ones wouldn't do such, preferring open spaces.

Check out European Robin and

American Robin. The 2 are not related, btw, which may go a long way regarding their nesting habits.

More great photos HERE.

Merlin


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laryalee
post Apr 20 07, 00:41
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Snow, what a great glimpse of
nature's creatures!
Some wonderful imagery here...
and startling, too!

I'm also pausing at "prize"...it seems
to be used as a verb here...meaning
to value or treasure something?
I can see how they might prize the newborn
robins' crib, but not "from their crib"?
Hmmmm....

The leeches is another line that
had me pausing...
Wonder if "these leeches" would work.
(I was seeing literally leeches, lol!)

Excellent poem!

smile.gif
Lary
 
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Arnfinn
post Apr 20 07, 04:10
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Hi Snow,


Suggest change 'prize' to 'prise'.


Regards,


John gardener.gif troy.gif


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Arnfinn

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Eisa
post Apr 20 07, 16:53
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Hi Jax

Thanks for your suggestions -- all good stuff. I'm glad you found this enjoyable.

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Apr 20 07, 16:58
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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Apr 20 07, 01:27 ) [snapback]94518[/snapback]
Wow Snow,

I've been off line most of the past few days -- and just got some time to check the boards and what a wonderful surprise. I read this a couple times and each time the pleasure was enhanced by taking further notice to the lovely weave of sounds, the linking of characteristics and the smooth rhythm through out.

At this time, nothing jumps out at me - so I've printed this out to do a more closer reading at home (while the crazy family is asleep) LOL I do like Jax's suggestion for S1L2.

I have to say EXCELLENT POETRY! :)

Hugs, Liz



Hi Liz

I'm so glad you enjoyed this -- it was written by accident! LOL! Well you know how something starts off then changes into something else. Do come back if you can think of anything for me to chew over.

Hugs Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Apr 20 07, 17:05
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QUOTE (Merlin @ Apr 20 07, 03:11 ) [snapback]94530[/snapback]
Hi Snow,

I came back to post a coupla links on the robins - they are quite different on either side of the pond. It's interesting as the article sez, European robins will build nests in discarded kettles. The North American ones wouldn't do such, preferring open spaces.

Check out European Robin and

American Robin. The 2 are not related, btw, which may go a long way regarding their nesting habits.

More great photos HERE.

Merlin


Hey Merlin

Thanks for those links -- I'm growing quite interested in birds. I see the American robin is more slender than the ones we have in UK -- whatever, I think they are beautiful birds and one of my favourites. Those pictures are a real treat.

Yes, I have heard of robins here, nesting in old kettles. That must be quite a thrill to see. My dog would stop it happening here though, otherwise I'd be tempted to leave an old kettle out next spring.

Thanks again Merlin -- those are really great links.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Apr 20 07, 17:12
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Hi Lary -- how good to see you.

QUOTE (laryalee @ Apr 20 07, 06:41 ) [snapback]94537[/snapback]
Snow, what a great glimpse of
nature's creatures!
Some wonderful imagery here...
and startling, too!

I'm also pausing at "prize"...it seems
to be used as a verb here...meaning
to value or treasure something?
I can see how they might prize the newborn
robins' crib, but not "from their crib"?
Hmmmm....

I'm wondering if I've spelt 'prize' wrong. I was meaning the word thar means to push/lever out of the nest. I'll look into that -- and thanks for spotting. John did too.

The leeches is another line that
had me pausing...
Wonder if "these leeches" would work.
(I was seeing literally leeches, lol!)

LOL! --yes I think these leaches does sound better.

Excellent poem!

I'm so glad you appreciate it

smile.gif
Lary


Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Apr 20 07, 17:13
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QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Apr 20 07, 10:10 ) [snapback]94548[/snapback]
Hi Snow,


Suggest change 'prize' to 'prise'.


Regards,


John gardener.gif troy.gif


Whippeee! Thanks John ... that is the word I need to use.

Thanks Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Guest_Kathy_*
post Apr 20 07, 22:53
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Guest






Our birds are not related to yours, but are similar. Just thought you'd like to see them since you're interested in birds, Snow.

Australian Robins:

http://animals.jrank.org/pages/1248/Austra...INS-PEOPLE.html

http://www.aviceda.org/abid/birdimages.php...mily&fid=65

Australian Cuckoos:(There are 11 species in Australia)

http://www.users.bigpond.com/LesMikeBrooker/cuckoos.htm
 
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Guest_Kathy_*
post Apr 21 07, 00:34
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Guest






Hi Snow, Sorry I didn't comment on this earlier. Your review has improved it, but I can still see some bits that seem a bit crowded to me. Take or leave, of course.

Brood Parasites (1st revision)


When nightingales return to serenade
upon their hedgerow stage, the cuckoo's call
is answered by his mate, as she invades
the nest to lay her eggs inside a wall.


I like to see the hedgerow here, but for me it clutters the metre. 'Hedgerow stage,' especially preceeded by 'their' has hardly any ebb and flow. Perhaps 'leafy' would fit better.

I get confused by 'the cuckoo's call is answered by HIS mate, as she invades... ' The female answers the cuckoo's call. OK. I hear the Nightingale singing nearby, and then the cuckoo, both sexes of which give the game away. Why doesn't the nightingale get wise to them? I may be nit-picking, but if I find that bit a puzzle, I betcha others will too. You have heaps of space because you're not writing a prescribed form; you make the rules, so you can add a line or two if you wish, to seperate the host and parasitic birds.

The entire first stanza is packed with complex language. 'The nest' is suddenly there, inside a wall. It would be good to know that it belongs to the nightingale (it does, doesn't it? Whoops, no, its a robin,) and I would like to see the female bird there, on her nest inside the wall, at least once before the cuckoos arrive.


Her chuckling bubbles when her nestlings prise
the robin's newborn from their crib, then feign
their victim's empty-bellied cries.
Their surrogate so gullible, sustains


Actually, cuckoos don't watch their young at all, and although their call may sound like laughter, it isn't. Only humans and Chimpanzees cry. It makes for some nice fantasy, but I think you want an accurate depiction here, don't you, Snow?

The rhymes are unusual, and I love to see new ones, but actually, they have lead you into trouble, I think. The cuckoo babies don't feign those of their victims; they are genuinely hungry. So far as I know they don't mimic the voices of the host chicks either, so there's no falseness there. (BTW, it is victims' ie plural.)

The last line leads into the next by enjambment, again something I like to see, but the filler jangs me hard:


Their surrogate so gullible, sustains

Sorry to be such a pest. There must be some way you can get around it. A semicolon may do the trick, though I think a caesura will open up the whole poem; give some breathing space.


******* gullible, sustains
the neonatal cheats, with worms and ants
she’s snatched, as gardeners shovel over earth.


beaut wrap around lines. I hope people pay you the respect of shortening 'gardeners' to 'gard'ners.' Again, the relative similarity in stress between 'gard'ners/shovel' makes the metre heavy here. But I love to see 'shovel' because you match it internally! With 'bubble', way up the top.

I also take delight in other assonances, eg ants/snatch, just nearby. Chuckling /bubbles, robin's/newborn/shovel,these/leeches, coo-coo/host. I also like the aliteration here:


cuckoo's call. she's snatched


Departing from their host, these leeches chant
coo coo, perceptibly now twice her girth.

I don't think 'these leeches' helps the poem. We already know the cuckoos are parasites. 'Leeches' not only sounds judgemental, introducing a whole new element, but it brings up another image, that of loopy, slimy leeches. 'The babies' would do it for me.


When breezes cool, they fly to warmer spheres
and flock horizons, speedy in their quest,
returning when magnolia buds appear,
as robins gather moss to build their nests.

It's a lovely closing stanza, except........... sorry, but there IS an 'except, which ruins it for me: what IS 'their quest'? The lines run beautifully and sound great, but my inability to find a quest makes the rhyme just a word put in for the sound o' it.

And 'spheres?' Another globe?

Did you get through all that without feeling put upon? I doubt that I would. That's why I've put off replying for so long.

But I like the poem. It has some beautiful and inspired bits. I think you deserve my honesty. I just hope I wasn't too harsh.

Hugs and best wishes always, Kathy.


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Eisa
post Apr 21 07, 04:06
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Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (Kathy @ Apr 21 07, 06:34 ) [snapback]94602[/snapback]


Hi there Kathy

Hi Snow, Sorry I didn't comment on this earlier. Your review has improved it, but I can still see some bits that seem a bit crowded to me. Take or leave, of course.


Mmm... yes, I see crowded bits too!

Brood Parasites (1st revision)


When nightingales return to serenade
upon their hedgerow stage, the cuckoo's call
is answered by his mate, as she invades
the nest to lay her eggs inside a wall.


I like to see the hedgerow here, but for me it clutters the metre. 'Hedgerow stage,' especially preceeded by 'their' has hardly any ebb and flow. Perhaps 'leafy' would fit better.

Yes -- that is one part I find difficult to get my tongue around. Leafy might be better -- I'll have a think on what I can come up with.

I get confused by 'the cuckoo's call is answered by HIS mate, as she invades... ' The female answers the cuckoo's call. OK. I hear the Nightingale singing nearby, and then the cuckoo, both sexes of which give the game away. Why doesn't the nightingale get wise to them? I may be nit-picking, but if I find that bit a puzzle, I betcha others will too. You have heaps of space because you're not writing a prescribed form; you make the rules, so you can add a line or two if you wish, to seperate the host and parasitic birds.

The entire first stanza is packed with complex language. 'The nest' is suddenly there, inside a wall. It would be good to know that it belongs to the nightingale (it does, doesn't it? Whoops, no, its a robin,) and I would like to see the female bird there, on her nest inside the wall, at least once before the cuckoos arrive.


I think the problem here is that this started out as a sonnet, where I was writing to a prescribed form, but near the end I found I wanted to say more. You are right though -- now I can say more at the start, now that this isn't a sonnet.

Her chuckling bubbles when her nestlings prise
the robin's newborn from their crib, then feign
their victim's empty-bellied cries.
Their surrogate so gullible, sustains


Actually, cuckoos don't watch their young at all, and although their call may sound like laughter, it isn't. Only humans and Chimpanzees cry. It makes for some nice fantasy, but I think you want an accurate depiction here, don't you, Snow?


The rhymes are unusual, and I love to see new ones, but actually, they have lead you into trouble, I think. The cuckoo babies don't feign those of their victims; they are genuinely hungry. So far as I know they don't mimic the voices of the host chicks either, so there's no falseness there. (BTW, it is victims' ie plural.)

Well in UK the young cuckoo does mimic the voices of the hosts chick as I read ~

and the young Cuckoo will imitate the begging calls of the host's chicks.


The last line leads into the next by enjambment, again something I like to see, but the filler jangs me hard:[/color]


Their surrogate so gullible, sustains

Sorry to be such a pest. There must be some way you can get around it. A semicolon may do the trick, though I think a caesura will open up the whole poem; give some breathing space.


Yes -- that line really grates on me and I haven't really found what I'm looking for yet.

******* gullible, sustains
the neonatal cheats, with worms and ants
she’s snatched, as gardeners shovel over earth.


beaut wrap around lines. I hope people pay you the respect of shortening 'gardeners' to 'gard'ners.' Again, the relative similarity in stress between 'gard'ners/shovel' makes the metre heavy here. But I love to see 'shovel' because you match it internally! With 'bubble', way up the top.

I also take delight in other assonances, eg ants/snatch, just nearby. Chuckling /bubbles, robin's/newborn/shovel,these/leeches, coo-coo/host. I also like the aliteration here:


cuckoo's call. she's snatched


Departing from their host, these leeches chant
coo coo, perceptibly now twice her girth.

I don't think 'these leeches' helps the poem. We already know the cuckoos are parasites. 'Leeches' not only sounds judgemental, introducing a whole new element, but it brings up another image, that of loopy, slimy leeches. 'The babies' would do it for me.


I agree leeches could mislead -- will think on that

When breezes cool, they fly to warmer spheres
and flock horizons, speedy in their quest,
returning when magnolia buds appear,
as robins gather moss to build their nests.

It's a lovely closing stanza, except........... sorry, but there IS an 'except, which ruins it for me: what IS 'their quest'? The lines run beautifully and sound great, but my inability to find a quest makes the rhyme just a word put in for the sound o' it.

Well here I felt their quest was searching for a warmer winter home -- quest does mean searching for ...

And 'spheres?' Another globe?

mmm... I thought sphere could mean another place -- have I got that wrong?

Did you get through all that without feeling put upon? I doubt that I would. That's why I've put off replying for so long.

LOL!! Well I felt like that for a minute LOL!!-- then thought ... well most of what you said I'd thought about myself. I need to know what to improve on. Truth is this is a completely new poem and I often write a dozen revisions to get it right -- so I really didn't think this was the last -- I have a long way to go, chipping away! LOL! -- and I need good feedback -- so keep it coming!

But I like the poem. It has some beautiful and inspired bits. I think you deserve my honesty. I just hope I wasn't too harsh.

I'm here to learn Kathy and I've had much harsher -- someone (elsewhere) once told me another poem belonged at the deep end of the midden! I was very hurt! but can smile about it now. magictongue.png

Hugs and best wishes always, Kathy.


wub.gif

Hugs and thanks for giving me plenty to work on.

Snow Snowflake.gif


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