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Skin on Skin |
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Aug 29 10, 18:14
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Here's another oldie (very old) -- just wondering if there were any improvements I can make before it hits the finished drawer.
Skin on Skin
They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged yet unrequited hungers rage. Their dance commences; undulations shed her filmy negligee to drape the floor. A lithe display of belly-dancing; titillations.
Flickering tongues on freckled skin inhale the musky scents within; He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle -- lost in lust they intertwine instinctively, physiques combine dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.
As fervour bubbles to a boil and overflows; fulfilled they coil behind their safety glass. I glance, at you; we share a drink, before my silk chemise slips on the floor -- a prelude to our mating dance.
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Recent tweaks (thanks Liz) St1 L3 was 'The dance commences' Last St L1 was 'Fervour bubbles to a boil'
St2 L3 - have changed slithers to sidles
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Aug 29 10, 22:21
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hey Snow!!!! I remember this. I am intrigued by the sensual build up and the change over from spectator to participant - There is wonderful sound movement here that adds a auditorial pleasure when read aloud, and strong images to grasp the readers attention. There are certain word uses that help to define S1's participants as reptilian - I especially felt L4-L6 opens the mind of the reader and gives more depth to S2. The only suggestion (and albeit, not so necessary would be In S1, L3 Perhaps "Their dance commences;) In S3 (My favorite) - I would only suggest L1, "As fervour ..." Otherwise, this is a keeper. Love it. A strong silhouette of an evening alone, together watching the contrasts of foreplay between the different species between our own and reptilian... A great poem!!! Big Hugs, Liz QUOTE Skin on Skin
They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged yet unrequited hungers rage. The dance commences; undulations shed her filmy negligee to drape the floor. A lithe display of belly-dancing; titillations.
Flickering tongues on freckled skin inhale the musky scents within; He slithers closer, starts to nuzzle -- lost in lust they intertwine instinctively, physiques combine dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.
Fervour bubbles to a boil and overflows; fulfilled they coil behind their safety glass. I glance, at you; we share a drink, before my silk chemise slips on the floor -- a prelude to our mating dance.
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Aug 30 10, 03:01
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hey Liz Great suggestions - Their dance commences sounds much better I don't know why I didn't start thet last stanza without 'As' as it leaves me a syllable short. Ah well! it was a long time ago. It's great to have you comment on this! Hugs Snow
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Aug 31 10, 17:04
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (JLY @ Aug 31 10, 11:32 ) Snow:
This has a lot of sensuality in it and no matter what species, it is packed with heated moments.
One question for you: is it: their safety glass
or is it our safety glass? Which one of us needs to be protected?
I am not sure about "puzzle". I know you want to match up with nuzzle, but I do not see anything as being a puzzle. The mating dance is quite apparent to everyone and it ends as it should...I don't really see the mystery in it.
For me, these lines really stand out in both their image and their sound as they roll off my tongue:
Flickering tongues on freckled skin inhale the musky scents within;
A great poem that I think is about ready to cross the finish line.
JLY Hi John You have made some interesting points which have made me think! Yes- 'our safety glass' might be more approriate. I'll change that one. I see your point about 'puzzle' although I was meaning a jigsaw puzzle - dovetailing together. It never struck me that someone might see the other meaning. I'll have to think on that one - get my rhyming head on too! Thanks for giving me something to chew on! Snow
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Sep 5 10, 06:30
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Guest
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Hi, Snow, more stripping and this time mixed with a bit of voyerism, should we be worried? I've arrived late so not much to add to the crits you've already had on this. Only tiny suggestion would be to use 'speckled' rather than 'freckled' in S2,l1 for the sibilance though that removes the ambiguity earlier than l3's 'slithers' - an alternative might be to use 'sidles' there to keep the ambiguity going. Did enjoy this, and the comments are yours to use or lose of course, Jim
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Sep 5 10, 22:45
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hey Snow ...
Although the revisions are minor, they have made a strong presence in the ease of the flow in both meaning and sound. This one is surely a keeper... I would love to get your poetry in a chapbook! :)
Hugs, Liz
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Sep 8 10, 14:12
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (bombadil1247 @ Sep 5 10, 12:30 ) Hi, Snow, more stripping and this time mixed with a bit of voyerism, should we be worried? I've arrived late so not much to add to the crits you've already had on this. Only tiny suggestion would be to use 'speckled' rather than 'freckled' in S2,l1 for the sibilance though that removes the ambiguity earlier than l3's 'slithers' - an alternative might be to use 'sidles' there to keep the ambiguity going. Did enjoy this, and the comments are yours to use or lose of course, Jim Hi Jim Well perhaps you should be worried - I've also written about an old flame in Seren's. I don't know what's come over me! LOL! I love the change from 'slithers' to 'sidles' - which keeps the reader guessing a bit longer. I'm not sure about 'speckeld skin' as I chose 'freckled as it resembled human skin. I'll think on that one. Thanks for your help Jim - always welcome. Snow
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Sep 8 10, 14:17
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Sep 6 10, 04:45 ) Hey Snow ...
Although the revisions are minor, they have made a strong presence in the ease of the flow in both meaning and sound. This one is surely a keeper... I would love to get your poetry in a chapbook! :)
Hugs, Liz Hi Liz Thanks for getting back to this one. I won Odin's last year so you will be seeing my work in a chapbook. I am two thirds finished. Also, I have 2 more chapbooks one quarter finished - just waiting for inspiration. LOL! Hugs Snow
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Sep 9 10, 22:04
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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I am still working on my manuscript for my chapbook ... Lori is probably fuming that I have'nt gotten that out of the way yet. You know what ... that's what I am going to start working on getting those poems finalized and start some new stuff to get into it... My cousin took a few pictures that I am interested in using for the cover ... Now I am getting excited. Can't wait to see yours.
Love you, Liz
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Sep 10 10, 17:02
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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You'll get there Liz - we'll get there!!!! Glad you've got some photos for inspiration. It's so easy to sink into apathy - I've been there! I hoped to get my book done ages ago, but lost interest -bit by bit, I'm getting there now. Can't wait to see yours finished too! Snow
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Sep 11 10, 07:46
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin
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Hi Snow, This is ingenious. When I saw the bit about flickering tongues inhaling, I was all set to use that as the only nit I could find to pick, when I realized that it's snakes you're talking about. Love the imagery, the meter and rhymes are flawless to my ear, and again the premise is brilliant. I say, it's good to go. Great to read your wonderful work again. Sue
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. MM Award Winner
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Sep 13 10, 16:06
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (heartsong7 @ Sep 11 10, 13:46 ) Hi Snow, This is ingenious. When I saw the bit about flickering tongues inhaling, I was all set to use that as the only nit I could find to pick, when I realized that it's snakes you're talking about. Love the imagery, the meter and rhymes are flawless to my ear, and again the premise is brilliant. I say, it's good to go. Great to read your wonderful work again. Sue Thanks Sue - glad you enjoyed this. It's great to se you back here. Snow
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Sep 17 10, 00:31
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hey Eisa! Loved it~ I see nuthin to pick at ;-) K QUOTE (Eisa @ Aug 29 10, 18:14 ) Here's another oldie (very old) -- just wondering if there were any improvements I can make before it hits the finished drawer.
Skin on Skin
They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged yet unrequited hungers rage. Their dance commences; undulations shed her filmy negligee to drape the floor. A lithe display of belly-dancing; titillations.
Flickering tongues on freckled skin inhale the musky scents within; He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle -- lost in lust they intertwine instinctively, physiques combine dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.
As fervour bubbles to a boil and overflows; fulfilled they coil behind their safety glass. I glance, at you; we share a drink, before my silk chemise slips on the floor -- a prelude to our mating dance.
-----------------------------------------------
Recent tweaks (thanks Liz) St1 L3 was 'The dance commences' Last St L1 was 'Fervour bubbles to a boil'
St2 L3 - have changed slithers to sidles
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Sep 17 10, 17:26
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (anaisa @ Sep 17 10, 06:31 ) Hey Eisa!
Loved it~ I see nuthin to pick at ;-)
K Thanks Karen - great to see you here again. Eisa
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