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Last Supper *** (revision + tweaks) |
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Apr 9 13, 08:34
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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I have revised this using Merlin's suggestion for formatting. Also, a few tweaks a: Lori's suggestion b: I've brought the cricket in later, hopefully keeping the surprise until the end lines. Also missed out 'crunch' as it might give away the cricket too early.
Last Supper
Oblivious to fate, they gorge on carrots and thirst quenching fruit, before being thrust into the leopard’s den.
In a shadowy niche, the predator lurks -- ......... stirs as prey scuttles near. Eyes wide he watches, ..........begins to stalk. Excited, tail trembling .........he pounces!
Shaping a smile, his mouth is loaded ......as legs wriggle, ..............guts ooze a cricket feast for my leopard gecko.
----------------------------------------------- Last Supper
Oblivious to fate's hand they gorge until stuffed on carrots and thirst quenching fruit, before being thrust into the leopard’s den.
In a dark niche, the predator lurks -- stirs as prey scuttles near. Eyes wide he watches, begins to stalk. Excited, tail trembling he pounces … crunch!
Shaping a smile, his mouth is loaded with cricket legs wriggling, guts oozing -- a wholesome feast for my leopard gecko.
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Apr 9 13, 09:14
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Group: Gold Member
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From: Texas
Member No.: 15
Real Name: Marcia
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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LOL what a relief it was only crickets...I was visualizing a big cat and human prey !
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"...We are born into the world like a blank canvas and every person that crosses our path takes up the brush and makes their mark upon our surface. So it is that we develop. But we must realize there comes a day that we must take up the brush and finish the work. For only we can determine if we are to be just another painting or a masterpiece..." 1981 Javan (from the book " Meet Me Halfway" ) MM Award Winner
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Apr 9 13, 14:02
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Blank_Canvas @ Apr 9 13, 15:14 ) LOL what a relief it was only crickets...I was visualizing a big cat and human prey ! LOL! I hoped you would think that! ... and welcome back, it's lovely to see you here again. Hope to see more of you. Snow
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Apr 9 13, 15:45
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Group: Gold Member
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From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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I love the twist in the end... the revelation of the KIND of leopard this is! - a gecko! I don't see any change necessary in this my friend, but you know how little I know about free verse. deLighting in the light verse, Daniel P.S. It occurs to me that I have to hope that the gecko's prey was not the cricket couple that I just wrote about in the challenge forum: Song on the Wing
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Apr 9 13, 17:56
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Hello Eira,
Here I am again! But ya never know with the Wizard...
Free Verse, a name I don't fully like except that it allows freedom. My choice of wording is "open form" but I'll use the FV abb.
FV allows you to do as you please, without the limitations of fixed verse. That's great, but I found that it presented a whole range of different opportunities to master in order to keep poetry and not chopped verse or worse. Here's my tuppence worth >>>
The title - I'd advise choosing another since this one is too recognizable as those pictures on the wall. My take is not to use one so well known, as Gone with the Wind, For Whom the Bell Tolls, etc, which are their own.
FV - since you wrote it, it's perfect the way you want it. You have the right.
If you wish to do revisions, I would suggest attention to line breaks. They are extremely important, here in FV since there is no defined meter. Line breaks serve a number of functions - they give the reader time to breathe, especially reading Sandburg or Og Nash. They give the writer the power of impact, suspense, emotion, and more. They are used for effect. When looking at your verse, which is more effective, below?
Oblivious to fate's hand they gorge until stuffed on carrots (original)
Oblivious to fate's hand, they gorge until stuffed on carrots (da Wizard)
In a dark niche, the predator lurks -- stirs as prey scuttles near. Eyes wide he watches, begins to stalk. (original)
In a cool, damp, dark niche, the predator lurks -- ............stirs as prey scuttles near. (use tab, here color out dots) Eyes wide he watches, ............begins to stalk. (ibid) (W again)
Whichever gives the most suspense, emotion, or what you choose.
There tis, hope I've given you a cricket or 2 to crunch on.
Merlin
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Apr 11 13, 08:10
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Group: Gold Member
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From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Hello Snow Yes, it put a smile on my face. Thank you for that Made me think of what we call in Africa the "Little Five". The "Big five" are; Elephant, Rhino, Buffalo, Lion & Leopard Now the "Little five" are: Elephant shrew, Rhino beetle, Buffalo weaver, Ant-lion and (you guessed it) Leopard tortoise! Well if your poem was about the leopard tortoise there would have have been no need for the crickets since he is a vegetarian. But that would have been oh-so boring. Thanks for the smiles Hugz, Wal
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Apr 12 13, 17:10
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From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
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G'day Eisa Obviously your geckos must be a lot bigger than the Australian gecko of which I share my home with at least 10 and love them. Never have a bug problem with them around and their noisy sharp clicking sounds and tail thumps sometimes frighten the life out of me. For such little blokes they are noisy buggers. I loved your poem it was full of images that just bought it to life for me - now I am thinking your geckoes must be huge Cheers Maureen
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Apr 16 13, 15:37
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Apr 9 13, 21:45 ) I love the twist in the end... the revelation of the KIND of leopard this is! - a gecko! I don't see any change necessary in this my friend, but you know how little I know about free verse. deLighting in the light verse, Daniel P.S. It occurs to me that I have to hope that the gecko's prey was not the cricket couple that I just wrote about in the challenge forum: Song on the WingGlad you liked the twist at the end, Daniel. I also liked your Song on the Wing Snow
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Apr 16 13, 15:42
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Merlin It's always great to have your thoughts. I have tried a few versions of formatting this and put one of them up as revision. (and I'm still trying out) Thanks for your suggestions Snow
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Apr 16 13, 15:43
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Glad this made you smile, Wally. Snow
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Apr 16 13, 15:54
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Maureen @ Apr 12 13, 23:10 ) G'day Eisa Obviously your geckos must be a lot bigger than the Australian gecko of which I share my home with at least 10 and love them. Never have a bug problem with them around and their noisy sharp clicking sounds and tail thumps sometimes frighten the life out of me. For such little blokes they are noisy buggers. I loved your poem it was full of images that just bought it to life for me - now I am thinking your geckoes must be huge Cheers Maureen Hi Maureen I am wondering how big you geckos are - mine vary from 55gms - 100gms, but I suppose that doesn't mean much. I'll have measure them LOL Anyhow, I'm glad you enjoyed this. Snow
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Apr 16 13, 19:23
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Group: Gold Member
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From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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I like that revision, Eira. It adds suspense, methinks. Looking forward to what the others say...
M
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Apr 16 13, 20:10
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Mosaic Master
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From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Snow, Ooh I luv this! The title suggests something different (since I was thinking religion) and it was a treat to read this! I do like the changes to the "shape" - it's more pleasing to the eye. My one nit is here with S1L2: Oblivious to fate's hand, they gorge until stuffed on carrots and thirst quenching fruit, before being thrust into the leopard’s den. I feel that gorge is self sustaining and that you could delete 'until stuffed' and still come to the same meaning. Oblivious to fate's hand, they gorge on carrots and thirst-quenching fruit, before being thrust into the leopard’s den.Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Apr 18 13, 15:05
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Merlin @ Apr 17 13, 01:23 ) I like that revision, Eira. It adds suspense, methinks. Looking forward to what the others say...
M Thanks Merlin for your help. I've also made some tweaks. Snow
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Apr 18 13, 15:09
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Thanks Lori I did wonder about stuffed and gorged at one time so I'm glad you mentioned that. I've put it right + a few tweaks. Snow
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