|
|
|
Reading an Old Poet- revised, modern sonnet |
|
|
|
May 26 11, 21:49
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
|
revision
I'll never see the details of his days, or trace my finger down his unknown face. I'll never feel the texture of his hair, or watch the ardent way he might embrace
a woman—but, it's of no consequence. I've read his words and touched his intellect. He could have died a century ago, it really doesn't matter, I suspect.
The measure of a man, passion and wit. The lure is how he wields a phrase. I've been seduced by someone's lines— the subtle kind without a mortal body, form or skin.
His intimacies: lawless, aching, swearing. A brimming river ageless and unsparing.
first one
I'll never see the details of his days, or trace my fingers down his unknown face. I'll never feel the texture of his hair, or watch the ardent way he might embrace
a woman—but, it's of no consequence. I've read his verses, seen his intellect. I hear he died a century ago, it really doesn't matter, I suspect.
The passion of a man becomes his words, the lure, is how he wields a phrase. I've been seduced by someone's lines— the subtle kind, without a body, form, or eye, or skin.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 26 11, 23:08
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 369
Joined: 10-May 11
From: Outskirts of Sonoran Desert
Member No.: 4,480
Real Name: JerryK
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
|
Such a sweet and well-written poem, Karen; it has a touch of sadness, too. Now I have to search my sources to pinpoint the poet who died a hundred years ago; and that is the mystery your poem contains. It's wonderful. Best to you, Jerry
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 11, 10:28
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Hi Karen, What a nice subject to write about! I have just a few observations for you to take or toss as you wish. In S1 - I believe you can ditch both commas before both 'or's. Also, just a little visual hiccup for me in L2 with your choice of the word down - perhaps 'round might work better? Can you 'see' someone's intellect? I experience them but not sure this can be accomplished (learn)? For you closing line, I suggest finding subs for both 'or's, or perhaps change the wording after form? Through conscious choices ... etc. Food for thought! Enjoyed the read. ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 11, 12:14
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 369
Joined: 10-May 11
From: Outskirts of Sonoran Desert
Member No.: 4,480
Real Name: JerryK
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
|
Karen, I had to return to this poem with regards to the comma placement before "or." For years, the trend has been to eliminate commas, especially in short sentences. Now, to our eye, the presence of commas in this poem seems excessive, but I still use my comma shaker generously for this reason: When reading aloud, the comma, even in short sentences, may suggests emphasis on intonation (voice-modulation) and emphasis, or simply a short breathing pause. Punctuation supports sentences, but it's not always easy to place a comma in poetry. A quick rewrite to enhance your beautiful poem may be the answer. These are just my quirky thoughts. Best to you, Jerry
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 11, 13:36
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
|
Hi Cleo,
Thanks- I'm still trying to tweak it a bit... K
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 11, 17:14
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
Great revision, Karen. I love the final couplet! Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Jun 5 11, 21:48
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
|
Thanks snow! I appreciate that. K QUOTE (Eisa @ May 27 11, 17:14 ) Great revision, Karen. I love the final couplet! Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|