Wait... Listen in Silence [ Revision #3 15 Jan ], Wizard Award ~ triple rictameter Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Ah - that works!

One more tip then back to work I go...

eyes breathe warm trust

{can eyes breathe}

I offer:
eyes signal trust (for allteration to L1's "Signal")

BBL
~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Thank you for that confirmation...

and re 'eyes breathe'... as I explained to someone earlier, I WANT the reader to puzzle over body language, since that's what I'm trying to convey. Signal is what they do, but that is mechanical (like the fax machine), and I want to convey that the recipient sees MORE than mechanical when s/he feels the eyes' warmth and pleasant breath.

Make sense?

So much to convey in so few words.

Lightly winded, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hello Daniel,

Just in reply to the idea you are trying to convey. It is a good goal, but the images, that are so conflicting such as 'clenched fingers cry', 'eyes breathe... ' For me, these aren't accomplishing the goal of bringing to mind or puzzling the reader into understanding body language. Of course this is your poem. The message, IMO, is a very beautiful one, and you've done well with the Form... But I still think there is another way to reach your objective without offering awkward images that the reader will immediately find disruptive of the poems meaning.

Of course, it is your poem and please disregard this if it isn't something you will relook at...

Best Wishes, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, Liz...

and I am looking at it and still considering. It is still my objective to convey the concept of body language... and I'm open to hearing HOW I might convey that more clearly, if that is possible. Feedback keeps chipping away at this, and I ain't done yet. I want to hold on to that concept IF I CAN. Please know that NO FEEDBACK is rejected. I ain't arguin'; I's explainin' my objective. If the objective can't be met, well... there's always another poem!

deLightin' in feedback, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hello Daniel,

I won't get into any further commentary about the syntax, I just found one little nit, in Rictameter 2, L5 ... Just a typo...

Best Wishes, Liz

Waiting

so we might see

what his clenched fingers cry

through flared nostrils… pain-shaded eyes

whispering with shoulder-shrugs… her bowed head

daring hope with a hopeless glance.

Patient—we must sit… still

to feel what’s been

weighting.


Listen

for heaven’s sake—

don't view mere stark data

chugging in through our fax machine.

We also must must transfer, process, translate

A typo, you doubled up on must.
codes shrouded in sinew and veins;

pathos pours forth, bristling

when we truly

listen.


Silent

eyes breathe warm trust

through tight-shuttered windows

shattered from storms still a mem'ry,

duct-taped over with bloodied gauze curtains;

they'll give Light when the power’s off,

warmth to a brick-cold hearth,

Love that won’t stay

silent.

[JustDaniel]

Thanks so much for the heads up on that, Liz! I'm about to post another revision. Always appreciate another look.

deLightin' in your sharin', Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel.

I still have a nit in S1L6:

daring hope with a hopeless glance

Do you want to still use 'hope' twice in the same line? How about:

tempting [or teasing] fate with a hopeless glance ?

~Cleo

[Peterpan]

Hello JustDaniel~

I enjoyed every meter!

You have had a lot of suggestions I will wait for the edit.

Thank you for sharing it.

PP

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Daniel on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Congratulations Daniel!

Cat