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Merlin
post Nov 21 09, 20:18
Post #1


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From: Time, Immoral
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Zenta *

All summer long, each afternoon was filled
with love’s green golden radiance.
Clouds tumbled and frolicked,
utterly carefree like the pair of us
who, not burdened by schedules,
belonged to the wind.
We ran like cobblestones on streets,
unbiased and yielding to the call of the sea.

Headlong into the waves we dove
and battled back to shore.
We were Leda and the Swan
where ancient cedars guard the waterfall,
sentinels of five-hundred winters,
thunder, lightning, and hailstones.

High in the blue,
eagles described lazy circles.
We were champions of sandcastles
till September
lacquered the land with autumn rain.



* This is from summertime, and was posted elsewhere. The readers there made much of the title, since it isn't what you'd normally see. Readers here are encouraged NOT to decipher the title, rather make it any of person-place-or-thing, whatever works for you. There is no special significance or meaning attached, other than I had to call it something.


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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Nov 23 09, 18:03
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Eric, There are some very wonderful lines here, my favorite is 'We ran like cobblestones on streets,' that conjures up some very old and unusual memories of days spent in Portland, Me. And now I know what to with poems I can't think of a title for, just call them something abstract, thats sure to garner attention...lol.

Take it easy Wiz
Steve
 
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Thoth
post Nov 23 09, 19:58
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Eric!!!
Why on earth are you still fooling with trivial rhyme when you are able to to write such outstanding poetry as this?

After the first line it
swept me away in gust of wind,
soaring up - floating - then, swooping down
to allow my feet a few fast steps
before bouncing away again.

Wonderful FF indeed and perhaps one of the best I have ever read (bar none)! Into my folder of "poetry to covert" it shall go thank you.

The only place that stuck for me was the break-point for the last line. I wanted to read it as;

"We were champions of sandcastles
till September lacquered the land
with autumn rain."

Damm! one seldom sees good FF that flows like a fluttering heartbeat!

It's 02:55, I woke up from pain and went online to get my mind off it.

Thanks Doc.


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Merlin
post Nov 24 09, 17:44
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Thank you Steve & Wally!

I'm happy you stopped by to read since there's little activity down in the lower forums.

Odd & unusual is good, Steve. There are some of those memories out there.

You're too kind, Wally. But tis good you approve.
It took me a long time to cross from the R&M camp, but I do feel fairly comfortable on the other side now also.

Your suggestion is taken. I did a late modification to the ending, and the result wasn't completely baked yet. Your version is by far an easier flow, matching the rest and will be modified as such. Thx.


Glad you liked.

Merlin


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Aphrodite
post Nov 26 09, 19:54
Post #5


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Hi Eric,

This is such a beautiful poem, filled with such wonder and longing.
There are so many great words/phrases to comment on, but I especially love the the last line...

"We were champions of sandcastles
till September
lacquered the land with autumn rain."

Perfection!

Happy holidays,
Lindi


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Merlin
post Nov 27 09, 21:02
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Hello Lindi,
Thank you for reading, and Happy Holidays also. There's snow in the higher reaches, and some in the forecast, but may not get as low as the city. Still, tis the season.

I appreciate your kind comment, and the last lines are much better the way Wally presented them, but I haven't made that change here. I'm quite pleased with this one, overall.

I see you've been successful at IBPC also; congrats on that. Being on the sidelines for a while, I've missed things. I wonder how this might stand up?

Merlin


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Guest_Ellen_*
post Dec 6 09, 20:30
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You paint a vivid picture of a carefree summer. I really like your imagery and analogies.
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Dec 7 09, 20:35
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Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Eric,

What a lovely, easy-flowing poem! Wizard.gif I like your title choice as each reader can imagine what they think the word might mean, therefore personalizing it to suit their own imagery. cool.gif

I enjoy all the treasures of the ocean and am missing it now. We had our first snow this weekend, so this read is a warmer comfort!

Enjoyed,
~Cleo surfing.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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