 Lost Love, Senyru ... Revised Thanks everybody |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
 Aug 28 08, 15:39
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#1
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Lost, lamenting heart
wounded by sorrow’s arrow, here lies bleeding love. |
  
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Sep 2 08, 16:31
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#2
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Babylonian  Posts: 87 Joined: 27-November 06 Member No.: 361 Real Name: Ross Baird Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Mysty |
Ohsteve:
Nice lines. Senyru, I think. Is last line a syllable short? Maybe "here lies..."? ace |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Sep 13 08, 10:28
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#3
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I put in the here Ross, I need to find my other hiaku some where in amoungst my poem documents.
Steve |
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Sep 24 08, 07:25
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#4
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Hello, Steve,
Lamentable heart <<<<<5 wounded by sorrow’s arrow,<<<<<7 here lies bleeding love. <<<<<5 Bleed-ing I think 5 silly bulls. There is also [bleeding] (one word) as a slang 'swear word'. Well, I'm not so sure? I think the last line shows emotion.  Dunno about the 'here lies' bit though. A sorrowful heart: pierced by an arrow. (lamentable and sorrow: mean the same thing by the way)Maybe think about changing the last line to create a poetical flavour to compliment the first two lines. Never the less, I enjoyed the read. John 
·······  ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner         |
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Sep 28 08, 18:03
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#5
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 Greek Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
Hi Steve,
I'm pretty sure this is a senryu. I believe you may have used the wrong word. I don't think you mean "lamentable." I believe you mean "lamenting" meaning "mourning." Could you say? "Lost, lamenting heart" Peggy ······· ······· |
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Sep 28 08, 22:32
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#6
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 Assyrian Posts: 174 Joined: 27-May 07 From: Indiana, USA Member No.: 439 Real Name: Dee Stotts Writer of: Poetry |
I like this one. As is. Powerful. Sad tho, but so many emotions are.
Dee |
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Sep 29 08, 19:24
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#7
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Steve,
I agree with Peggy's commentary - a senyru as it contains two related snapshots of a human foible, not a nature element as haiku would. I also think "Lost, lamenting heart" would work very well. Cheers, ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner     |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Sep 30 08, 15:29
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#8
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Thanks everyone for reading, and the critiques...I have revised.
Steve |
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| Guest_prerna bala_* |
Nov 30 08, 09:45
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#9
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"here lies bleeding love", great words.
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