 A Smile (revision 1), Senryu |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms  |
 Jul 18 08, 15:48
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 11,376 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in.  |
A Smile
No luminous trace; yet it brightens every soul within its aura. ______________________________ First Draft No luminous trace Yet it brightens every soul Caught within its path ·······  ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner       |
  
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Jul 23 08, 05:52
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Ain't this the truth, Larry.
 I find the simpliest smile can turn a sour mood into a bright one, and it's contagious too!  I'm tossed on the word 'path' and will think on a suggestion there for you. Keep smiling!  ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner       |
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Jul 23 08, 16:22
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#3
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 11,376 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
Hey Lori,
Thanks for the visit and the read/input. I had qualms about "path" also but threw it out there to see if it would pass muster. It didn't! Hope you like the revision. Larry ······· ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner |
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Jul 24 08, 05:42
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#4
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Ooh - I much more prefer the idea of 'aura' over 'path' Larry.
Two more thoughts for L3: alluring aura (for alliteration) OR enchanted aura. Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jul 25 08, 03:26
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#5
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 Greek Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
Hi Larry,
Great change to "within its aura." Aura is more all-encompassing and prettier. Peggy ······· ······· |
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Aug 2 08, 11:11
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#6
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
What lovely sentiments, Larry. I like the cahange to within its aura - much better than path.
I am wondering about 'yet' in L2. I am no expert in Haiku, but know that conciseness is best and feel that 'yet' is a bit of a filler word. Perhaps brighteneing every soul Just a thought Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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Aug 20 08, 06:01
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#7
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 783 Joined: 24-July 07 From: South Africa Member No.: 457 Real Name: Walter Schwim Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Mistral |
Hi Larry,
Good work, I too am no expert in this form but I do think the three lines must interact in such a way that final line is a conclusion or argument that makes the thought stick. In this case it simply completes the sentence so is not a true senru. A simple shuffle though does the trick as everything was already there. May I suggest: The aura of a smile (sets the subject) while leaving no luminous trace (makes a statement about the subject) brightens every soul.(conclusion to fix the thought) This was a delightful and clever piece. Hugs, Wally ······· ······· |
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Aug 26 08, 08:52
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#8
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Greek Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
Hi Larry,
Just a piece of info I picked up very recently when two of my best senryus were rejected for publication in a haiku/senryu-only on-line magazine: The editors said the form should never have a title. Mine had titles that were integral parts of the poem. Peggy ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Aug 28 08, 15:38
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#9
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Larry as I said in 'Hugs' I don't mind titles and what do editors know anyway...lol. I liked the new version much more than the first.
Steve |
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