 Garden Party, A Short Poem |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms  |
| Guest_Xanadu_* |
 May 23 08, 13:01
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#1
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It was a death by daffodils;
shocked golden mouths agape; fisted together like family on their watery lean stalks, grieving at how she had spoiled a perfect spring. A cut flower now; just a still life on green canvas. |
  
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May 23 08, 18:16
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Linda,
This forum is for poems of 7 lines or less. Perhaps you can combine 3 of the lines to make it meet the forum parameters? ~Cleo 
·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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| Guest_Xanadu_* |
May 23 08, 18:41
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#3
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All fixed. Seems like I am always messing things up. Maybe it is a "left brain" thing?
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Jun 3 08, 11:03
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Linda
There is a lot to like here. I do love short poems that say so much in a few lines. I love your vivid imagery. A few thoughts - use or lose! It was a death by daffodils; There are 2 points I'd like to make about L1 1st - Was the death actually by daffodils. Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but I'd have thought it was death to daffodils. 2nd - Perhaps you are giving too much away in the 1st line. shocked golden mouths agape; fisted together like family (I think a comma would suffice here) on their watery lean stalks, grieving at how she had spoiled I feel it is her death, not her that spoiled the perfect spring.She didn't cut herself away a perfect spring. A cut flower now; (again, I feel a comma would suffice) just a still life on green canvas. A suggestion of revising (only my thoughts) Shocked golden mouths agape, fisted together like family on their watery lean stalks, grieving at how her death had spoiled a perfect spring. A cut flower now -- just a still life on green canvas. Just something for you to think on Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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| Guest_Xanadu_* |
Jun 4 08, 08:50
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#5
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Thank you Eisa.
Allow me to think on this. I do like your suggestions. The original poem was some twenty lines long. It took a couple of years to hone it down. Perhaps it needs to be pared even further. |
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Jun 5 08, 10:39
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#6
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Excellent read Xanadu!
Loved your vivid 'yellow' imagery. I am drawn to nature poems. You have some comments already, perhaps I see what you do - if anything before I comment further. Excellent title too! Bev ······· ······· |
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