fledgling rictameter?, cinquain Options

[JustDaniel]

fledgling rictameter?

cinquain
seems a fledgling
poem trying its wings...
young rictameter-in-training

takes off

© MLee Dickens'son 01 June 2007

[Terocon101]

CINQUAIN

The traditional cinquain is based on a syllable count.
line 1 - 2 syllables
line 2 - 4 syllables
line 3 - 6 syllables
line 4 - 8 syllables
line 5 - 2 syllables

The modern cinquain is based on a word count of words of a certain type.

line 1 - one word (noun) a title or name of the subject
line 2 - two words (adjectives) describing the title
line 3 - three words (verbs) describing an action related to the title
line 4 - four words describing a feeling about the titlem, a complete sentence
line 5 - one word referring back to the title of the poem

Hi Daniel,

every time I do a crit on a poem in some fixed form I have to go off and look up that form. So I've copied and pasted what I found out about cinquains(or fledgling rictameters ), just for my own reference really.

I'm guessing you were working with the traditional cinquain form in mind. So in line 3 I had a little stumble, as I pronounce 'poem' using one syllable, as in 'a pome about Rome',but thats my problem

The only suggestion I have is in line 4, "young rictameter-in-training". I think its missing that "a", as in:

a young rictameter-in-training"

I know this messes up the syllable count so I suggest:

"a young 'rictameter' learning
to fly"

Also, I liked the right-aligned ending, but I think you should keep the same font.

Ok, hope that was useful, use or lose

Terry

[JustDaniel]

Thank you for that information, Terry. I'm quite certain of the origin (Adelaide Crapsey) of the traditional cinquain, of which there are a dozen or so variations, but I'm not sure of the origin of what some have been calling the "modern cinquain" ~ possibly what Wikepedia refers to as the didactic cinquain that has been popularized by a number of children's writing sites; I'm just not sure. I've probably written a couple of those.

I just mentioned in a comment to another member re the variations in dialect among us. There are some poems in which I also make 'poem' a one syllable word, just as in others I may make 'family' a two-syllable word. Other times I've made the latter a two-syllable word thus: fam'ly ... but a lot of folks don't like 'modern' writers doing that any more. I'm always torn.

As to the the indefinite article, yes, I could have done that... but I think the pause inherent in the elipses probably removes the necessity for it here. Whatcha think? And of course I'm here simply referring to the wonderful similarity of a traditional cinquain to a rictameter. In fact, I know that I've written a few rictameters that started off as cinquains, and vice versa.

I'm not sure what you mean about the font; you'll have to explain. Okay?

deLighting in your careful response, Daniel

[Terocon101]

Hey Daniel

yes I read your dialect-able Shakespearean sonnet. Those sonnets are tough going, I'm currently writing my very first, its not easy counting iambs and tronchees and still making sense in the content, LOL.
Writing in phonetics isn't really my cup-o-coffee, but its funny from a critting point of view how different words can be just across a little ocean. Actually if you ever heard the different accents in Ireland you'd be astounded. eg. The word 'alright' [Dublin all-riot] [Cork-arry] [Midlands-allrigh] Actually maybe I'll give it a go, but I doubt anyone would understand a word of it. Anyway, maybe I should have said all that in your sonnet tread.

On that definite article, I suppose your right, it was just a little nit of mine but its fine as 'tis.

"takes off" lost its formatting when you posted.[font="Papyrus"]

Terry

[JustDaniel]

Hello again, Terry...

Thank you for the comment about the sonnet; you're always welcome to offer any insight in that forum as well. I'll appreciate your insight re those varying dialects from Eire as you have the chance to share them... and I hope you'll do a jig or two with some Limericks too along the way!

I'm still not sure what you mean by what having "papyrus" font do something. I realize that some folks may not have papyrus on their computers, and therefore may not display that font, but the right hand alignment was not because of font integration problems but because I set it up that way.... 'took flight' took flight and left the rest of the poem.

Lightly, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

fledgling rictameter?

cinquain
seems a fledgling
poem trying its wings...
young rictameter-in-training
takes off

Hi Daniel,

I like this very much. I like the idea of a Rictameter's youth as a Cinquain and how you have creatively compared it to a baby bird, before it is ready to spread its wings and 'take flight ... I also like the creative formatting of the final line, to emphasize the movement. My only suggestion would be in the final line, would you consider ... 'takes flight'

Best Regards, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Thank you for your observations, Liz. I know that you like cinquains, so to find your approval of this one means a great deal... and I'm pleased that you liked the formatting too. Your suggestion for "take flight" would be a very good one if I didn't have my tongue lodged so irrevocably in my cheek with this one.

I meant for the "take off" to have a double meaning... and in this case, the rictameter-in-training, though seeming to take flight, actually just took some time off, abbreviating its flight with merely two syllables instead of continuing with 10, 8, 6, 4, and the original 2 to form a rictameter. But you have to give the feathery fledgeling a little credit; he knew he couldn't complete a rictameter here!

deLightin' in the fLight, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hi Daniel,

I understand about takes off and the poem works for me with either, as takes flight was a mere suggestion. Although, it is probably the more cliche' of the two and so, I would say go with takes off as well.

I did enjoy the creative interlocking of the forms here.

Good word working.

Best Wishes, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel,

I understand about takes off, and the poem works for me with either, as takes flight was a mere suggestion. Although, it is probably the more cliche' of the two and so, I would say go with takes off as well.

Of course I always take suggestions as an opportunity to adjust my perspective to see if I can make improvements on a piece. It's an invaluable thing. Thank you ALWAYS for your suggestions!

I did enjoy the creative interlocking of the forms here.

Thanks, Liz... and over yonder we're playing with rictameters this month, so it occurred to me that this might be fluffed up to look something like this:

long-winded cinquain ?

cinquain
seems a fledgling
poem trying its wings...
stout rictameter, in training
to take off pounds and syllables
diffusing its loquacious character
garrulous, rambling, effusive
'til it soars taciturn
as a noble
cinquain

© MLee Dickens'son 03 July 2007

... this poem not for comment here, of course, but to enlarge upon your 'interlacing of forms' comment. I've long been intirgued by the wonderful relationship that a cinquain can have to a rictameter.

Good word working.

Best Wishes, Liz

deLighting to interact, Daniel

[Terocon101]

Daniel said:
I'm still not sure what you mean by what having "papyrus" font do something. I realize that some folks may not have papyrus on their computers, and therefore may not display that font, but the right hand alignment was not because of font integration problems but because I set it up that way.... 'took flight' took flight and left the rest of the poem.

Hi Daniel,

Lol, I'm quickly ascending Molehill Mountain here. No, I get(and like) the right alignment and the font shows up just fine except for the last line. My comment is not worthy of such a debate but I was suggesting you keep the same font in the last line....THATS ALL

Mission accomplished, lol

Terry

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Terry...

Heavens! I ain't seen no debatin' here... not even de-baitin' fishin' hooks ta use 'em as barbs! I'm guessin' that your computer is jest readin' this differently. It shows up all in papyrus on my computer both at work and at home! There must be a coding difference that makes it show up differently on your computer... somehow. _{I know next to nothing about such things.}

We are, I believe, on the same page, my friend. Took off would indeed look strange in a different font, and I'm supposing that it shows up that way on yours. I guess it's something like sending some folks an email that is written with comic sans ms from AOL and it shows up as something different in another email system... including some letters and punctuation (particularly the semi-colon) as some strange thingamabob or letter code, making the email very difficult to translate.

Be assured that I have already learned to chew on and digest your every word... without even a trace of guile, rancor, bitterness, debate... or anything else in that family of distaste.

deLighting always to exchange with you, Daniel

[Lady Poet]

Hi Daniel,

I just have to say I nit picked my own nit so all I have for you is praise...lol.

You almost got me with "poem"...so many use it as a one syllable word anymore that I've gotten used to it and have even done it myself...you know what they say when in Rome...

You did a brilliant job in both cleverness and humor in this and by using your own uniqueness made this style your own. NOT something just everyone can do. So I say BRAVO to you my dear, this is EXCELLENT!

Blessings, Pami