Painful Frustration / was Hurricane, Senryu ~ Revised 7/17/07 Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

What about...

frustration crackles
in twisted wet towel snaps;
migraine

Hurricane

frustrated
a toss of the towel
hurricane

[Terocon101]

Hurricane

frustrated
a toss of the towel
hurricane

Hi Cathy,

I would say its a senryu, its satirical and obviously contains reference to a persons emotions and human objects. I was reading about senryu somewhere, and it said that they sometimes flirt with the form of haiku but they do not have to have a seasonal reference, although that is up to the author.

When I read this, the image conjured was one of a domestic disturbance between two people. But after reading it a couple of more times it kept changing into an inner conflict(a person annoyed with themselves). I think it is open to different interpretation, which I don't think is a bad thing but maybe it would be better to try focus the attention on one of the above interpretations (or maybe I've missed your meaning on this one) Its a little vague as it stands IMO.

Hope that was of some use, use or lose as you please


Terry

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hurricane

frustrated
a toss of the towel
hurricane

Hi Cathy,

I would say its a senryu, its satirical and obviously contains reference to a persons emotions and human objects. I was reading about senryu somewhere, and it said that they sometimes flirt with the form of haiku but they do not have to have a seasonal reference, although that is up to the author.]

I think you're right about it being senryu. Although it was meant to be haiku! lol

When I read this, the image conjured was one of a domestic disturbance between two people. But after reading it a couple of more times it kept changing into an inner conflict(a person annoyed with themselves). I think it is open to different interpretation, which I don't think is a bad thing but maybe it would be better to try focus the attention on one of the above interpretations (or maybe I've missed your meaning on this one) Its a little vague as it stands IMO.

You were right the second guess. These were my thoughts the other day when I popped in here to read a few more haiku. I've never been able to master them and just when I think I might be catching on the params change. I am so confused, thus the thoughts in the poem. I have a few more that I thought about lumping together in the Karnak thread but I'm almost afraid too. A simple 3 line poem and I can't write one! LOL Is that irony or what?? You also mentioned focusing attention and not being vague but I hear just the opposite. Don't tell or show too much... leave it to reader interpretation. So which is it? LOL

Hope that was of some use, use or lose as you please

I appreciate your help and I will try to work on this again soon.
Thanks Terry!

Cathy


Terry

[Terocon101]

Cathy,

don't do it, dont throw in the towel, lol.
Maybe you need to get back to the enjoyment of it, trying too hard definitely severs inspirational ties, well it does for me anyway. I like to write haiku, I've tons of them but the haiku community may not think they are 'quite proper' but for me they do the trick. Every now and again I might feel like putting one out there, to enjoy the interaction, input and reactions from others, you learn so much. But you have to write for the right reason, you know, for yourself, thats just my opinion of course. But when the fun goes out of it, so does my interest usually, I'm not saying that hard work and concentration is bad but frustration definitely is.

For your poem, I've a suggestion:

frustrated haijin
tossing the towel
hurricane

What do you call the last line? Is it a kigo? well I'm not sure about the kigo in this one, seems wrong somehow. I cant put me finger on it.

Terry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

Don't give up! I too find the japanese forms very difficult to grasp, but with practice, you'll master it!

When I first read this one, I thought of an inner struggle, of a boxing ring where one tosses in the towel to signal defeat, but then when i read 'hurricane' - that made me think of a dog chasing his tail - round and round he goes, never catching the darn thing, getting all the more frustrated as he goes round and round and round and round and !@$%&^&....

Here, I think the first two lines are a tad repetitive - an action and reaction, frustration and tossing in the towel.

Followng a boxer theme (just an exercise here, use or lose of course) - perhaps adding it to L1:

Frustrated boxer
tosses in the towel --
hurricane

Does this help?

~Cleo

[Eisa]

Hurricane

frustrated
a toss of the towel
hurricane

Hi Cathy

You've done a good job of showing the inner conflict here ... I like this one! I feel that L1&2 could flow together more, perhaps

frustrated
I toss in the towel --
hurricane

Snow

[JustDaniel]

I think Snow is pointing in the right direction (as is Lori's advice, so don't throw in the towel!)...

Maybe you could even go in this direction:

frustration
tosses in the towel;
hurricane

sLightly spinning, Daniel

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

(((((Cathy)))))

You have a great start here. However, Haiku (completely involves nature) and Senryu (coves just about everything else) both have 5-7-5 syllable lines. There are so many ways you can work what you already have.

Hurricane

frustrated
a toss of the towel
hurricane

Haiku:
frustrated are winds
that toss with a towel snap
hurricane become

Senryu:
souls in frustration
refrain toss of the towel
insighting hurricane

Hope this makes sense.

~~Jackie

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Cathy,

don't do it, dont throw in the towel, lol. I won't! LOL
Maybe you need to get back to the enjoyment of it, trying too hard definitely severs inspirational ties, well it does for me anyway. I like to write haiku, I've tons of them but the haiku community may not think they are 'quite proper' but for me they do the trick. Every now and again I might feel like putting one out there, to enjoy the interaction, input and reactions from others, you learn so much. But you have to write for the right reason, you know, for yourself, thats just my opinion of course. But when the fun goes out of it, so does my interest usually, I'm not saying that hard work and concentration is bad but frustration definitely is. Yes frustration is bad... all the way 'round! *smiles* But right now my enjoyment lies elsewhere... not that I plan to give up writing or enjoying a good read! Mastering the haiku isn't at the top of my priority list at the moment and if I can't enjoy it, it won't be! LOL Time will tell~

For your poem, I've a suggestion:

frustrated haijin
tossing the towel
hurricane

What do you call the last line? Is it a kigo? well I'm not sure about the kigo in this one, seems wrong somehow. I cant put me finger on it. I don't know what a haijin is, nor a kigo for that matter. I'd better look them up! Thanks for your suggestion... it's given me some thoughts of my own as well. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to your comments though. Where are my manners??

Cathy

Terry

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy.

Don't give up! I too find the japanese forms very difficult to grasp, but with practice, you'll master it! I'm not so sure of that! LOL

When I first read this one, I thought of an inner struggle, of a boxing ring where one tosses in the towel to signal defeat, but then when i read 'hurricane' - that made me think of a dog chasing his tail - round and round he goes, never catching the darn thing, getting all the more frustrated as he goes round and round and round and round and !@$%&^&.... ROFL Cute imagery! Not quite what I was thinking at the time so maybe I'd better rewrite that!

Here, I think the first two lines are a tad repetitive - an action and reaction, frustration and tossing in the towel.

Followng a boxer theme (just an exercise here, use or lose of course) - perhaps adding it to L1:

Frustrated boxer
tosses in the towel --
hurricane

Does this help? I'm afraid that to my sad brain it just confuses the issue! LOL What does a boxer have to do with a hurricane? Anyhoo, I'll get it one of these days!! Thanks Lori and I apologize for taking so long to respond to your comments.

Hugs,
Cathy

~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hurricane

frustrated
a toss of the towel
hurricane

Hi Cathy

You've done a good job of showing the inner conflict here ... I like this one! I feel that L1&2 could flow together more, perhaps

frustrated
I toss in the towel --
hurricane

Snow

Hi Snow! Thanks! Maybe a good job of showing it, but not right for this form! LOL I'll get it one of these days! Thanks for dropping by and being helpful as always~

Hugs,
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I think Snow is pointing in the right direction (as is Lori's advice, so don't throw in the towel!)... Yeppers~ I've gotten some good suggestions!

Maybe you could even go in this direction:

frustration
tosses in the towel;
hurricane

Yes... maybe! I can see though where I've mixed haiku and senryu (human nature and nature). Maybe a haikryu?? LOL As I asked Lori what does boxing have to do with hurricanes... but then, what does tossing in the towel have to do with them either?? I'm working on it!!

Thanks Daniel,
Cathy
sLightly spinning, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

(((((Cathy)))))

You have a great start here. However, Haiku (completely involves nature) and Senryu (coves just about everything else) both have 5-7-5 syllable lines. There are so many ways you can work what you already have.

Hurricane

frustrated
a toss of the towel
hurricane

Haiku:
frustrated are winds
that toss with a towel snap
hurricane become

Senryu:
souls in frustration
refrain toss of the towel
insighting hurricane

Hope this makes sense.

~~Jackie

Hi Jackie!

I like something from each of the suggestions you've made and now my mind is whirling! LOL I may pull this one off yet!

Thanks so much~
Cathy

[JustDaniel]

um... jest ta get yer attention:


frustrated, towel
cracks behind her in shower;
hurricane response


Lightly, Daniel