Blossoming Spread ~ Revised 25 June 2007, Lanturne Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

The lanturne is a five-line light verse evidently derived from Haiku and shaped like a Japanese lantern (hence the name) with a syllabic pattern of 1 2 3 4 1 syllables. Generally, each line is a self-contained statement, such that the poem is not merely a sentence arbitrarily divided into syllables. Some suggest that the form should begin with a noun, with line 2 giving an action or description of the noun and lines 3 & 4 each giving a further description, and the 5th line offering another word for the noun, though not necessarily a synonym or even a noun. The form may or may not have a title, but it can be an integral part as the ‘sixth line’ of the poem.

Blossoming Spread


buds

flourish

adorning

stems with crimson

blooms

Original:

blooms

flourish

blanketing

stems of dappled

buds

[Guest_Cathy_*]

This is such a pretty image Lori!

Except 'blanketing' doesn't seem to fit IMO. It sounds almost as though you've covered it up. Maybe 'adorning' or 'garnishing'...?

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

When I wrote this, I was thinking of how the blossoms 'cover' the stems & buds once they bloom in full swing. I'm always out there looking for those stems for cuttings etc. buried underneath the flower petals.

I like your idea of 'adorning' as a substitute as in 'embellishing' but is it the stems that get embellished or the blooms? I guess the bud get embellished by the 'bloom' so a switch of the two single beats could work like this:

buds

flourish

adorning

stems of dappled

blooms

Hmmm - food for thought! Thanks for stopping in, I hope to receive more feedback before I revise.

Cheers
~Cleo :gardner:

[laryalee]

A lovely image, Cleo!
And an interesting form...
I'm wondering if there's a way to work
a color into this, to strengthen the visual?


Lary

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lary.

Thanks! This is a new form for me to try out. I had color in mind when I was writing this, something like 'on colored stems' but my muse wasn't cooperating. Perhaps a simple substitution of 'dappled' with a color would give it a slightly different appeal? Crimson, scarlet, ruby, lilac, fuscia perhaps? Somehow, I thin adding color works better with Cathy's change to adorning and the swap of the single beat words?

Something like this perhaps?

buds

flourish

adorning

stems of crimson

blooms

You've given me several angles to work in Lary.

Thanks so much!

~Cleo

[Eisa]

A very beautiful image Lori. I love your revision and the inclusion of colour. The swapping over of buds and bloooms works very well.

Thumbs up from me

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thank you very much Snow!

Lary's idea to add color was spot on - and I was initially trying to think on how to do just that. I think I also had blooms and buds swapped and swapped 'em back and back again.

Glad you enjoyed! These are fun!

~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey Lori,

I came back to see what was going on with this one and I can see that you've enhanced the imagery to perfection. Just one little nit...

buds

flourish

adorning

stems of crimson

blooms

Stems of crimson blooms indicates that the blooms are already there so haven't the buds already flourished? Should it be 'adorning stems with crimson blooms'?

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

Thanks for taking a peek at my revision!

I was thinking of when flowers bloom and then there are more buds waiting to open hidden along the stem - soemtimes, they don't always bloom together. However, I can also see your point too that the buds Have already flourished - Hmmm - I'll re-think the possible change there. Yep - I think I'll change that word...

Thanks bunches!

~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Well, I've come in at the end of this one, but the blooms are still flourishing with crimson! Excellent lanturne, IMHO.

deLighting to see it, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks Daniel!

If I may ask - do you agree that the revision with 'crimson' is more attractive that the original?

Cheers
~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Good morning, Lori:

Well, it seems to me that it's merely that your original took us from one end of the process:

Original:

blooms
flourish
blanketing
stems of dappled
buds

blooms that come to blanket stems of dappled buds

and the revision looks at the other end of the process:

Blossoming Spread

buds
flourish
adorning
stems with crimson
blooms

non-descript buds that grow to adorn stems with crimson blooms

So I don't think it's a matter of whether you choose dappled or crimson, but which end of the process you want to emphasize. It would seem to me that both of your lanturnes here are pretty tight as you have them ?

Somehow, though, your title seems to be trying to work too hard ? I've tried to turn it about in my mind, but I don't seem to have a suggestion for you at this point to get across my feeling.

reflecting on the Light, Daniel

[Lady Poet]

Hi Lori! As a lover of the Lanturne, I have to give you two thumbs up for this beauty! Superbly done and so pleasing to the senses!

Hugs, Pami

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thank you very much Pami,

I'm glad you enjoyed this one.

Cheers
~Cleo

[4rum]

Morning Lori;

My impression is from one of my gardens. To me you have gone from Impatients or perhaps phlox to a brlliant crimson Gladolia. I love the bright colors you've given. Your lanturne has surely blossomed !

Purely personsl preferance... I like the lanturne single spaced. To me it defines the shape more appropriately and that is part of the presentation. Just me.

Sam