snakes entwine (revision), senryu Options

[Eisa]

I posted this last year and felt quite pleased with it ... now I feel it probably tells too much. I suppose I was trying to make comparisons between snake and human -- snakes mating is ritualistic, without love -- and that's why I wrote cold blooded as a play on words in the last line.

Where to go next with it -- any suggestions?

snakes entwine
in mating ritual –
cold-blooded



snakes entwine
in mating ritual --
his cold embrace

[laryalee]

Hi Snow,
what an effective image!
My first question would be...
when you say "snakes entwine", does that
indicate a mating ritual?
I'm not sure...there could be other reasons,
perhaps.

Would a setting add to this...either the weather,
a kigo such as late summer, etc.?

Mind you, if you want to keep the cold-blooded
connection, it feels a bit like a senryu.

I'm not sure what to suggest...it depends on the
direction you want to go.

snakes entwined
in a mating ritual --
his cold kiss


Lary

[Terocon101]

snakes entwine
in mating ritual –
cold-blooded

Snow

Hi Snow,

For me this is indeed a cold-blooded piece. Quite dark in my interpretation of it, almost satirical. I like it and I'm close to stealing the idea and expanding it for a poem.(of course then I wouldn't be stealing it I'd be inspired by it,lol). But if your not happy with it I'll make a few suggestions.

Snakes in hot climate mate all year round but in cold climates usually in spring or autumn so I dont know what bearing that has for your haiku but you've defiantly got plenty of seasons to choose from if you want to insert one. But I think the mere fact their mating suggests spring.

I was thinking,

snakes entwine
laden fangs
and seed

or

snakes entwine
frozen rivers
flow

Hope that was of some use to you. I still like the original best but I always prefer originals to remakes.

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,
what an effective image!
My first question would be...
when you say "snakes entwine", does that
indicate a mating ritual?
I'm not sure...there could be other reasons,
perhaps.

Would a setting add to this...either the weather,
a kigo such as late summer, etc.?

Mind you, if you want to keep the cold-blooded
connection, it feels a bit like a senryu.

I'm not sure what to suggest...it depends on the
direction you want to go.

snakes entwined
in a mating ritual --
his cold kiss


Lary

Hi Lary -- sorry I'm late getting back to this.

I have pet snakes and the kind of entwining I am meaning is when they're mating. They often coil up together for warmth, but when they mate, they slowly move, entwining their bodies as a kind of foreplay. It's very sensual and beautiful.

I like you suggestion, or perhaps

snakes entwine
in their mating ritual --
his cold embrace

I'll keep thinking on this one -- I'm so tired tonight I can hardly think straight LOL!

Thanks for your help and insiration Lary.

Snow
I was thinking of this more as a senryu

[Eisa]

Hi Terry

I'm sorry to be late replying. Thanks for your suggestions, which I shall mull over, as I'm still not sure which way to take this (if at all)

Snow

[4rum]

Might even take an even more illusary track...

my lovers deciet
beauty in coldest embrace
tangle the serpants

... so many ways to go from your provocative imagery.

[Eisa]

Might even take an even more illusary track...

my lovers deciet
beauty in coldest embrace
tangle the serpants

... so many ways to go from your provocative imagery.

Hi Sam - sorry I've been a while coming back to this one.

Thank you for you suggestion which has given me more to think on. I'm not sure where I shall eventually take this one.
Great thought!
Snow